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The Fauxscars: The 10 Oscar Categories That Aren't But Absolutely Should Be

Posted: 02/21/2013 6:33 pm

There are too many movies. You have to go to do regular human being things, like go to CostCo to buy a decade's supply of minestrone soup and shoe lacquer, so you don't have to think about minestrone soup and shoe lacquer ever again.

Then February comes along and you're forced to feel bad about not having heard that Best Original Song nominee in the movie Chasing Ice.

Yes, that's a real thing.

So here are some more digestible categories. We're calling them the Fauxscars, and we're hoping that the phrase "Fauxscar Bait" catches. We're looking forward to you explaining that expression to Helen Mirren.--Ben Collins

(Winners are in bold.)

Best Movie According to Your 12-Year Old Cousin

Nominees:

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower
- Pitch Perfect
- The Hunger Games
- The Lucky One
- The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

Repression of nascent sexual urges, horrific violence of questionable age-appropriateness, Miley Cyrus' hot fiancé -- what's not to love? The Hunger Games is social commentary at its dreamiest and most disturbing. We hear everyone in Ms. Lund's homeroom loves it.--Naivasha Dean

Best Performance by an Anne Hathaway

Nominees:

- Anne Hathaway - Fantine, Les Miserables
- Anne Hathaway - Selina - The Dark Knight Rises
- Anne Hathaway - Emma - One Day
- Anne Hathaway (?) - Scrat - Ice Age: Continental Drift

Her nut-chewing pant/noises were unbelievable.--Ben Collins

Best "I Loved It, But You Tell No One. NO ONE!" Theatre Experience

Nominees:

- Casa de Mi Padre
- 21 Jump Street
- American Reunion
- Rock of Ages
- Magic Mike
- Pitch Perfect

Each of these movie is dripping in painful, disgusting nostalgia -- be it because of the music, TV or movies of a specific era, or the summer I stripped my way across Mexico to pay my way through Blogging School. But only one of these movies proved that with only a dream and the hit songs of the 80s, you can be a rock star in Los Angeles. I was only able to believe that BS again because the harsh summer heat and Alec Baldwin, so I remain forever in love with our winner, Rock of Ages.--Martin Moakler

Best "That Was This Year?" Movie

Nominees:

- The Dictator
- The Cabin in the Woods
- End of Watch
- The Five-Year Engagement
- The Campaign

Will Ferrell as a satirically conservative, Republican, political figure? Check. Zach Galifianakis as the everyman's lovable idiot? Check again. Pretty sure this movie came out in 2009. Must be the whole August release thing. Or I have a horrible disease.--Gabe Pasillas

Best Movie You're Telling People You'll See on DVD But Won't

Nominees:

- Lincoln
- Beasts of the Southern Wild
- Amour
- Moonlight Kingdom
- Life of Pi
- Silver Linings Playbook

The only way we're watching Amour on DVD is if we want to look really cultured and sophisticated when our date comes over -- and we all know "watching" is an iffy term in that situation. Come to think of it -- where does one even get a DVD of Amour? We're guessing it won't be in the RedBox outside that Walgreens. And who needs the subtitles when The Switch is on a certain Internet VOD service? Jason Bateman knocks up Jennifer Aniston by switching his... oh, you've just gotta see it!

Kill me now.--Naivasha Dean

Best Shoehorning of a Comedian into a Drama

- Josh Radnor - Liberal Arts
- Chris Pratt - Zero Dark Thirty
- John Krasinski - Promised Land
- Jason Segel - Jeff Who Lives at Home
- Ed Helms - Jeff Who Lives at Home

There's an old show business saying: "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard." The reason why most comedians got into comedy is that they like making people laugh, but don't like working out. Cardio is what makes a leading man.

So, to Josh, John, Jason and Ed: You succeeded in not making us laugh. Anyone can do that. To Chris, through your physical transformation, you obviously wanted it more, so you've earned this win, and maybe some dessert. And congratulations to your wife Anna Faris, too, because she gets your Parks & Recreation all to herself.--Martin Moakler

Best Part of Anne Hathaway's "I Dreamed a Dream" Performance

Nominees:

- When she is so sad she can barely say the word "blind" and just whispers it slightly
- When she runs her fingers through her newly-shorn hair, full of incredulity at her own fate
- When she belts out the word "shame" and then clasps her hands to her mouth as if she has startled herself
- When her eyes flash with anger about her childhood being taken away in a stride
- When her face briefly fills with hope and strength at the thought of her love coming back to her

Winner: ALL OF IT.

Who are we kidding? Every second of this glorious 4:30 minute masterpiece comes together in an atomic bomb of amazing that blew every other supporting actresses' performance out of the water and out of the running. The rest of them get nothing. No buzz, no awards, no trendy pixie cut. You might say "so overrated" or "somebody make it stop," but we say: Sally Field who?

Seriously, screw you, Sally Field. Go back to making cookies that make the whole airport smell good.--Naivasha Dean

Most Excellent Stone Cold Bummer of a Film

Nominees:

The Invisible War
How to Survive a Plague
The Waiting Room
Planet of Snail
Wild Bill

All the nominees in this category are despair-inducing and weighty. Most are documentaries. These films deal with epidemic sexual assault, AIDS, impoverished sick people, and abandoned children. The Invisible War is about the first one in there. It does not get more serious or depressing than that. Critics won't give bad reviews to films that deal with such serious issues, because we all recognize that we're in over our heads on these grave social problems! Get your Prozac and cup-half-full demeanor ready to go! Let's go back to talking about Anne Hathaway!--Katherine Rea

Best Actually Innovative Movie

- Cabin in the Woods
- Looper
- Cloud Atlas
- Moonrise Kingdom
- Ruby Sparks

Yep, this list of movies is absurdly small and one of the selections is a little forced. When it comes to making films, there just isn't money in taking chances or presenting anything new. Cabin in the Woods also reuses a lot of horror tropes, but that's the whole point. It takes everything we're familiar with, examines it, and throws in one of the most unexpected and fun third acts in recent film memory, and for that it gets the nod. And that's only because there was no "Fast & Furious" movie this year, which is a beacon of hope for both the film and beef jerky communities.--James Goux

Best "Really, Another One?" Movie

- Ice Age: Continental Drift
- Men in Black III
- Madagascar 3
- Paranormal Activity 4
- Resident Evil: Retribution
- Step Up 4
- The Amazing Spider-Ma
- American Reunion
- The Bourne Legacy

...And this list is crazy long. This category is all about studios making sweet, delicious cash. One might say the insanely quick reboot of Spider-Man would take the cake, but with its respectable actors and story and impressive CGI, it gets a close second to MiB3. A franchise that was clearly already dead was revived by studios so Will Smith could sell Ford Tauruses to America's Ford Taurus-shaped middle.

Also, since when does a secret intergalactic organization need Sprint to provide cell coverage? Is that why Alf only accepts calls via Skype now?--Gabe Pasillas

Best Movie You're Pretending You've Seen

Nominees:

- Amour
- The Waiting Room
- Cosmopolis
- Holy Motors
- Life of Pi
- The Master

So there's this guy. He's lodged in a waiting room, but it's... it's a French waiting room. And he was in a motorcycle accident? With a tiger in a canoe? He had a bad GPS, I think. But get this: The tiger is played by Robert Pattinson! Yeah, I know! It's weird. And it's a Scientologist Tiger. Who is 96-years-old.--Ben Collins

 

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