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Ian Gurvitz

Ian Gurvitz

Posted: January 31, 2008 02:09 PM

Britney: Get Thee to a Celebrity Centre!


According to news reports, Britney Spears was taken from her home by ambulance and escorted to UCLA Medical Center to be placed on a mental evaluation hold. This is unfortunate as psychiatry is not the answer to her problems. Psychiatry kills. What she needs is a visit to the Celebrity Centre. These people know how to handle the troubled rich with a proven, time-honored system of removing the source of their inner turmoil.

After initial auditing, during which they identify the fears that are causing inner unhappiness, they begin the first ritual cleansing by turning the person upside-down, holding them by the ankles, and shaking the loose change from their pockets. This is the first step along the way to becoming clear. This is called the "shake-down."

Once the pockets have been emptied, the next step is to clear the mind by attaching the person to a large vacuum, called the e-sucker, which is designed to suck out all negative thoughts, particularly those having to do with ATM cards, pin numbers, bank account routing numbers, investment portfolios, stocks, bonds and cash reserves. This is referred to as "being hosed," and has the effect of cleansing the person of the money that is one of the key components of the reactive mind and giving it to the people who are advanced enough along the spiritual path that they cannot be tainted. It is similar to the ritual of the sin-eater, the person who would take on by means of food and drink the sins of a deceased person, thus absolving his or her soul and allowing that person to rest in peace. Only in this case, the person is alive and instead of absolving their sins through food and drink, it is accomplished by sucking out all their cash and using it to buy real estate in high-end neighborhoods.

Once the body has been completely cleansed of its assets, it is time to cleanse the mind, which is done with megadoses of vitamins, 24-hour saunas, and a visit to their business manager for the ritual firing and signing over control of their careers, financial portfolio, and future earnings and putting all those new contracts in a ceremonial cotton sack. This is referred to as "fleecing."

Then and only then can they begin the final step on the path to true happiness, which is mind transition during which the old mind is reamed, steamed, and dry cleaned, and replaced by a prescribed list of aphorisms, stock sayings, and secret acronyms. This is known as becoming brain-dead. The brain dead can always be recognized by a smug, self-satisfied, shit-eating grin.

Once the person has been shaken down, hosed, fleeced, and brain deadened, they are ready to begin a healthier life. (Just look at Nancy Cartwright. She just divested herself of 10 million dollars. And she's smiling. Now, that is one healthy person.) No longer plagued by original thought, discursive reasoning, or any financial assets whatsoever, they have become the kind of people who are so right in the mind that when they drive past an automobile accident, they know they are the only one in the world who can help. That is because they will be driving a combination ambulance and tow truck, and will have been trained as an insurance adjuster and EMT technician. Similarly, the people at the Celebrity Centre are the only ones who can truly help Britney. One can only hope she realizes that in time, before those butchers at UCLA completely destroy her life.