At this point, only two things are possible: You know exactly what you're doing, in which case you're the most arrogant, calculating, power-mad son of a bitch ever to strut upon the national stage; or, you don't know what you're doing in which case you have absolutely no business running for President. Either way, you're starting to embarrass yourself. So why not just quit? Concede the election. Spare us the pain of having to sweat out the results and spare your advisers the pain of trying to figure out how to rig them.
The country has suffered enough the past 8 years. We're hurting. If you're truly a patriot, let it go. Senator Obama can take it from here. He's smart. He is ready. And he remembers what he stands for. Imagine how relaxing it would be not to have to remember all those talking points and irritating facts, like knowing one country from another, when you were a regulator or deregulator. Or even when you were regular, for that matter. You don't know what you're for or against from one day to the next but yet you bellow and bleat your opinions and pound your fist with equal ferocity for completely contradictory assertions. (Fyi, when you break out in that insane smile, it makes my 5-month-old son bust out crying, so you're already frightening the next generation of voters.)
Before it all gets any more degrading, quit. Retire to one of your seven houses and tend one of your seven gardens. I imagine you like gardening. Or take a drive in one of your 13 cars. Or better yet, go on a fact-finding mission back to Vietnam and see if you can find your honor 'cause if the way you've conducted your campaign is any indication, apparently that's the last time you had it. So, enough. Just quit. And send that combination frontier hooker/Stepford wife/born-again house plant back to Alaska before she even gets close to Washington. The stakes are too high. And she's not qualified to wield power in Washington. She's not qualified to visit Washington. She's not qualified to see a movie with Denzel Washington. That you actually selected this snarky, avaricious petty bureaucrat as your running mate, and then tried to convince anyone who's ever been within spitting distance of an original thought or the most rudimentary powers of observation that she was qualified to hold national office demonstrates an irresponsibility bordering on treason, as her ascendence to that position would most certainly give aid and comfort to our enemies. Or maybe just hysterical fits of laughter. (Is that your plan to get Bin Laden? Have him laugh himself to death?) Please stop.
Your party has circled the wagons and has begun shooting at each other. Stop the bleeding. Don't debate. Don't fundraise. Don't campaign. Stop these disgusting commercials before they transcend mere lies and devolve any deeper into the mud. The Congress will sort out this financial mess without you. Go home. Putter around the house. If it gets you off, fire a cook or a driver. You know, people you actually can fire. If you need to keep a hand in local politics, write an angry letter to the local paper about potholes or long lines at the DMV. On July 4th you can get one of those boater hats and be the grand marshal in a local parade. You like to wave a t people. Or, if you feel you have unfinished business in politics, wait until Bush's term is over and go kick him in the nuts for swift-boating you eight years ago when maybe you had enough dignity to run an honorable campaign. But now it's time to stop. At some point we all have to come to terms with the fact that we may never realize all our ambitions. You must be tired. Take a well-earned rest. Before it just gets sad. For all of us.
Follow Ian Gurvitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/igurvitz