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Ian Gurvitz Headshot

The 2008 Literacy Test -- You Have to be This Smart to Vote

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George Bush will not be impeached. He will not change course. He is impervious to facts and immune to sarcasm. He will never admit he's wrong, which is the mark of the true idiot, and all the Times editorials and GAO reports will not effect the theatre of the absurd he's concocted entitled "Waiting for the Petraeus Report."

The only hope for peace is the 2008 elections and getting a Democrat in the White House. And with the Republicans going down the toilet literally and figuratively, it seems like a sure thing. But never count these people out. Like the Terminator, just when you think they're dead, they re-form out of that mercurial slime back into a killing machine. Never underestimate their lack of decency when there is money, power and oil at stake. They will not go gently, especially when there is still swift boating to be done, muck to rake, and electoral votes to partition. Whoever the Democratic nominee turns out to be will find him or herself weathering a shitstorm of lies and misdirection that will pull lesser minds under its sway. As such, there is only one way to protect ourselves: bring back literacy tests.

Once a form of covert racism in the separate-but-equal south, it was not a bad idea on its face as a way of ensuring a minimum level of intelligence, like the bar at an amusement park saying: "you have to be this smart to vote." And if literacy test still carries too negative a connotation, maybe change the name to, I don't know, something more user-friendly, like Shithead Quiz. Nothing too complex; just a simple 10-question primer on current events. Maybe something like:

1) Global warming is:

a) destroying the planet.
b) a plot by Al Gore to force me to drive a golf cart.

2) Waterboarding is:

a) a form of torture.
b) an X-Games sport.

3) Gay people are:

a) just people trying to live their lives.
b) after me.

4) The vice president is:

a) a heartless power-mad scumbag who shot his friend in the face.
b) not a member of the executive branch.

5) Bill O'Reilly is:

a) a responsible newsman hosting a healthy debate on the issues that face our democracy as part of a Platonic search for truth.
b) Goebbels.

6) New Orleans was flooded because:

a) the levees were not build to withstand a powerful hurricane.
b) God hates jazz, and unnecessary fornication.

7) Jesus:

a) was a mystic who preached peace.
b) did the right thing when he realized he was Jewish -- became a Christian.

8) Real Americans:

a) are free to speak their minds.
b) trust the government and do what they're told, so shut your mouth.

9) God is:

a) the name given by a particular religious tradition to the cosmic energy that courses through all things.
b) on my side.

10) George Bush is:

a) a great president who will be seen in history as the man who singlehandedly brought democracy to the Middle East and peace to a troubled world.
b) proof that hiring the handicapped has its limitations.

Answer key:

If you actually had to look down and check the answer key, you are officially declared TOO DUMB TO VOTE. Now put down the ballot, go home, and watch TV. We'll be over later to take away your guns. And your children.