This past weekend tens of thousands of corpulent, toothless economists were herded to Washington to express their outrage over the prospect of government health care, and the rising federal deficit, collectively experiencing two phenomena for the very first time: Protest. And walking.
Brandishing the obligatory Obama-as-Hitler signs alongside the "I break for gravy" bumper stickers, the event marked the first time in history this many fat white people gathered in a single location without the promise of football, free beer, stock cars, or Toby Keith.
Wheezing along the famed D.C. streets, blood red anger coursing through their sclerotic arteries, the protesters demanded their right as hard-working Americans to be dropped by their insurance companies when they get sick, and gouged by pharmaceutical companies for the Diabetes drugs they'll soon need. They waved flags, honked horns, and shouted anti-government slogans, all as a way of venting their enlarged spleens over the prospect of the government improving the quality of their lives. Not since the 1929 Rose Bowl, when Roy "Wrong Way" Riegels ran a fumble back 65 yards, almost into his own team's end zone, has so much energy gone into an effort so blatantly self-destructive.
But as they hoofed along the D.C. streets, snapping photos of famed government buildings, while scanning the side streets for the nearest Applebees, one couldn't help but wonder: where was all this economic righteous indignation when the Clinton surplus became trillions flushed down the Iraq toilet? Where were Glenn Beck's tearful fears for his country? Limbaugh's Mr. Creosote-like explosive apoplexy? I don't recall any anti-government outrage, then. I guess the leaders on the right were too busy screwing their mistresses for Jesus.
But for all the smugness and stupidity on parade, the venal spirit of the event was captured by a single sign, reading "Bury Obamacare with Kennedy." Very nice. The man served over 45 years in the senate and he's barely dead a week and this is where you want to take the debate? Fine. Get nasty. But you assholes are going to get some form of health insurance reform whether you like it or not? And maybe, just maybe, by the time you have your first heart attack at 37, the amount of the hospital bill, or the fights with your insurance carrier over the enormous co-pay won't give you a second heart attack.
Bury Obamacare with Ted Kennedy? I don't think so. Maybe "Bury corporate greed, selfishness and stupidity with Ronald Reagan?" How's it feel, fuckos?