"I can't find Mr. Right." This is the most common complaint I've heard over the last several years from friends and strangers from all walks of life. This is not a unique perspective of a particular class, race, or socioeconomic stratum but applies to college freshman as well as successful career women and everyone in between. Women are searching for acceptable male companionship and too many are having a difficult time of finding it.
As I listened to these women (many of whom are my friends who for the life of me I couldn't figure out at first why guys weren't lining up around the block to date them) something struck me as uniquely simple. The men they were dating or seeking or married to were saying one thing but the women were hearing something altogether different. I also realized that there was a big gap between the female interpretation of a man's actions or inactions and what his true intentions were.
As I went about trying to help women decode male thoughts and behaviors (many of which I still claim are mysterious to me also) I noted that despite prevailing wisdom, there were some assumptions that women should make. First, men are not the greatest of communicators (go ahead and roll your eyes), men do not want to be bogged down in drama, men tend not to have the same level of emotion attached to physical intimacy, and men often do things that are simply irrational and highly idiosyncratic.
As I began dispensing advice, I quickly realized that there were lots of myths that were sending women in completely the wrong direction. What I advised these women, as I do in my new book The Truth About Men, was to ignore a lot of what has been popularized in the media when it comes to men and their willingness to commit and what they're looking for in women. Men, in fact, are excited and looking forward to settling down and having families and being true partners with women in relationships that are full of excitement, unpredictability, adventure, and loyalty. If women want to understand men better and have a decent shot at finding that "Mr. Right," dispelling some of these myths would be a giant step in the right direction.
Myth 1: Men Are Afraid of Smart, Successful Women
Intelligent, successful, attractive people can be intimidating. They force us to hold a mirror to ourselves; we can be disappointed, jealous or inspired toward personal growth. But a man who runs away from a relationship in fear of these positive attributes is extremely insecure. But this is where it gets tricky. Women want to feel wanted. Men want to feel needed. When a man feels like he is nothing more than an accessory or that you can live completely fine without a need for him, then he is reluctant to be in that relationship or become heavily engaged in one. This has a lot to do with ego, which we have plenty to spare. But there are ways for women to still have it all, yet still convey to their man that rather than being an accessory, he can be an important puzzle piece in her life. Men don't avoid successful women because they're jealous, they often do it to avoid being in competition with her next job promotion.
Myth 2: Men Always Want to Be in Control
Society for a long time has dictated that a "real man" is the one who brings home the money, protects his family, and makes the major decisions. This "ideal" of manhood is something that is forced on men from the time their father or older brother shouts derisively, "Be a man!" But the truth of the matter is that men don't want to be in control by themselves, rather they want to share it with their significant other, in other words, have a true partnership. Men discuss this with each other in sweaty locker rooms and at the end of a bar with the ballgame silently playing on a TV screen overhead, but they are not as open to women about it, because they don't want to appear weak, unmanly, or inept. Be comfortable in knowing that most men of the modern era do not believe the criteria for entering the XY club include being the dominant partner in a relationship. In fact, you stepping up and helping to make decisions and mold the dynamics of the relationship is greatly desired and a much-welcomed relief.
Myth 3: Commitment Scares Men
Are men slower to settle into a relationship? In most cases, yes. But don't fall into the trap and draw the wrong conclusion: Men are afraid of commitment. The clichés are endless and wrong. "Men don't want to commit because they're afraid to call someone their girlfriend, or they really want to have multiple women." In some cases, this might be true. Not all men are the same. But the majority of the time, what scares men is not that they will be off the market but rather the possibility they they're making the wrong decision. It might take us a little longer to figure out if the chemistry is right for a compatible relationship, but we will get there, and it's typically best when we get there on our timeline and on our terms. Men (and women) don't like to deal with the emotional drama of a bad breakup, but this makes men move very cautiously when it comes to relationship progression. Is this frustrating to you? Absolutely. Do men know this bothers you? Absolutely. But this is one of those things where everyone is better served when the course is allowed to flow and develop naturally without ultimatums and gamesmanship. One large survey asked men what they considered to be the number one male status symbol. The top vote getter was not a fancy car or a beautiful woman. It was... drum roll... starting a family!
For more, check out Dr. Ian Smith's new book, The Truth About Men: The Secret Side of the Opposite Sex.
Follow him on twitter: @doctoriansmith
For more by Ian K. Smith, M.D., click here.
For more on relationships, click here.
WATCH:
Follow Ian K. Smith, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/doctoriansmith
Rachel Greenwald: Is Getting Married Just a Big Crapshoot?
Charlie Maffei: Mistakes in Choosing Mr./Ms. Right
Sophie Keller: Dating Advice: Dare To Be A Beginner Again
Rachel Weight: Dating Advice: How To Get Over Him (With A Little Help From Your Friends)
To paraphrase something a friend told me long ago, "If you can get somebody to pay enough attention to their shoes, you can swipe their entire house and they won't notice." You can't find Mr. Right because you can't even see him. Chances are pretty good you say, 'Hi" in passing almost every day, but you *still* can't see him. You are *less* aware of him than you are of the roll of toilet-paper in the ladies' rest-room.
But fear not. About 2/3rds of women figure out how to open their eyes by the time they're 65, so there's a decent chance you'll find him before you die. So good luck!
Myth 1) I call BS. Maybe for the Boomer generation the idea of a man wanting to feel needed was a big deal (and the author couches this "need" specifically in terms of a breadwinner role), but for younger generations this is less and less the case. My experience with women in my demographic (Gen Xers, college educated) is that they want a man who will contribute to a household in equal measure, not necessarily provide the dominant or sole source of funds. As a result, I'm no different than the women Smith describes - I'd rather feel wanted.
Myth 2) No real argument with Smith's mythbusting there. I much prefer a woman who is an equal partner to one who prefers being cast in traditional roles.
Myth 3) Commitment does scare some men. Just like it scares some women. Given recent polling that suggest most women are dissatisfied in the marriages to some degree or another, I'm surprised more women aren't afraid of commitment. Is that biology trumping our common sense? Who knows.
Again, it would be interesting to poll men of different generations to see how their attitudes have shifted with the times. My suspicion of it is, as time goes on the "Mad Men" mentality males are typically thought to have is more a means of entertainment for TV series, and less a reality.
I think that's more than enough reason for men to be playing into Myth 3. It's important that men exhaust every avenue possible getting to know the woman in his life. Mental issues with women continue to increase in parallel with feminism. Every year countless men are falling victim to feminists "marriage experiments."
Women across the country trying to self-medicate by getting into relationships and then abandoning them (and taking the kids) in order to go and "find themselves."
Prenups are NOT an option. If she gets even slightly upset about this...she's already told you everything you need to know...
Me married? Apparently you spent more time thinking of something witty to say rather than reading my post....
I'd leave it at that.
http://www.articlesaboutmen.com/2011/04/government-office-falsified-figures-on-domestic-violence-ombudsman-finds-911/4262/
Like women, we are a loosely affiliated collection of humans amongst which no two are the same. You can chart trends and percentages in our behavior, but as usual the exceptions are much more interesting than the rules.
Append any advice with the phrase "in some cases".
A former researcher at Brigham and Women's Hospital and Harvard Medical School was found to have fabricated data and figures, reports The Boston Globe. An investigation by the US Office of Research Integrity, Brigham and Women's, and Harvard found that Jian Ma, a former research fellow, falsified figures in a manuscript
My views of the dating world are that lots of people are very picky about whom they want to have a relationship with, which is fine and completely understandable. However forming a partnership with another person invariably involves give and take, and the women I know who use the "Where is Mr Right" line the most are those who find it very hard to compromise on things, even small issues. Those sorts of people are just too much hard work to be in a relationship with.
If you are over 30 then unless you have lived a monastic existance, you will have some baggage, scars you are carrying from having lived a normal life.
Besides being the foxiest girl on the earth and pressing each and every one of my buttons, the thing I most appreciate in my partner is that she accepts me for who I am. There are things I do which drive her crazy at times, and she I, but I love our openness. It has formed a fabulous basis for our relationship.
I have found that the vast majority of the women I have dated actually like a man whom takes control. One woman I dated loved being taken out and being surprised with me making all the decisions, down to ordering her food. Initially being in that position that was pretty challenging, but certainly added a lot of spice to the evening. She equated it to being able to trust her date.
I would strongly argue most women do not want their date ordering their food, but women do indeed enjoy not having to take on the role of planner ALL THE TIME. It gets tiring after a while and she will just end up thinking the person she is dating is boring and has no interests of his own. Best example I can think of is the guy who never has any ideas for things to do or restaurants to dine at (that arent Olive Garden, Outback, etc) and is one who says consistently "i dunno, what do you wanna do." zzzzzzz
No-one likes a wallflower.