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Ian Squires
Ian Squires is a freelance writer in Washington, DC.

Entries by Ian Squires

A Civil Commute -- Trying to Connect with My Subway Compatriots

(3) Comments | Posted April 18, 2015 | 7:37 PM

People should be more social. I should be more outgoing. You should say hello to a stranger. We're all in this show together; let's act like it.

Full disclosure: this empirical study at the intersection of anthropology and etiquette aboard the Washington Metrorail is rooted in intellectual theft. I read...

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Snopes Reveals Rep. Michele Bachmann to Be Urban Legend

(5) Comments | Posted July 1, 2014 | 5:04 PM, the popular infotainment website that fact-checks Internet rumors, seemingly outlandish e-mail forwards, and other stories of questionable veracity, found that supposed 4-term Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann isn't real.

The debunked Bachmann myth, a figure known throughout American pop-culture and political discussion, has appeared across the Internet and...

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Even ESPN Disenfranchises the District of Columbia

(0) Comments | Posted February 19, 2014 | 9:37 AM

Washington, DC, has been overlooked, discounted and disrespected since just about always. Heck, the reason DC is no longer shaped in a cartographically photogenic diamond is that, more than a hundred and fifty years ago, Virginia actually took back the land it contributed to create the District. See, Alexandria had...

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Time to Make Christmas a 'Much Better Friday'

(0) Comments | Posted December 24, 2013 | 5:22 PM

Christmas should always fall on Friday. Just like our whimsical recognitions of the beginnings of our very own American genocide are annual Thursday Thanksgivings.

How could a yearly three-day Christmas weekend not be preferred? Look, nobody who knows anything actually believes December 25 was the literal date when...

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Spinning My Wheels: Meditations on Being Single

(1) Comments | Posted August 29, 2013 | 3:20 PM

It turns out I have less than a year to get married. Otherwise I will be single and 35, apparently the age I get officially labeled a "male spinster." And by that I mean: you're probably married and I don't like you. But we'll get there in a...

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Sen. Murkowski Expresses Intent to Support Gay Marriage at Undisclosed Future Date

(1) Comments | Posted March 29, 2013 | 1:32 PM

Alaska Senator and Republican Lisa Murkowski announced that she understands the dual realities of gay marriage in America by declaring her opinion on gay marriage to be "evolving." Sen. Murkowski is following the example set by President Obama who played an identical charade two years ago...

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NRA Chief Struggles to Live With Himself

(2) Comments | Posted December 22, 2012 | 11:07 AM

National Rifle Association Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre admitted he has "been feeling a strange and vague sense of responsibility, and having trouble sleeping through the night," following the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn., where 20 elementary school children were murdered with a semi-automatic assault rifle.

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The End of an Era in Europe

(1) Comments | Posted November 27, 2012 | 11:38 AM

The European Union, a collection of 27 nations throughout Europe politically united to function as a single unified economic market, announced plans to officially disband as of January 1, 2013, and revert to the agrarian economy and lifestyle that defined the continent for centuries before the

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American Exceptionalism

(0) Comments | Posted September 20, 2012 | 12:56 PM

The Trust for America's Health announced more depressing news on the obese state of the nation. On Tuesday the non-profit released "F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America's Future 2012," a 124-page document detailing the "profoundly, and clearly hopeless, situation regarding our expanding national waistline."...

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Who Built That?

(12) Comments | Posted August 28, 2012 | 11:23 AM

The Romney campaign got a nice treat July 13th in Virginia. No sense denying the red meat President Obama served up when these precise words came out of his mouth:

"If you've got a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen."

Obviously, the President...

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Time for a Real Redefinition of Marriage

(7) Comments | Posted July 24, 2011 | 6:52 PM

It is time to redefine the marriage contract. Heterosexuals have laid waste to the concept since time immemorial, from before Henry VIII on past Elizabeth Taylor, and at long last homosexuals should be given exclusive domain over legal marriage. For the entire course of mankind, since the birth of civilization,...

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New Facebook Photo App to Simplify Superficial Friendships

(0) Comments | Posted July 7, 2011 | 1:48 PM

Facebook founder and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg announced the upcoming release of the Facebook Baby Photos Unlimited App, built by Zynga, maker of Farmville, Mafia Wars and other online games for the social media giant. After the 250 millionth redundant picture of an infant was uploaded by a proud...

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LeBron James Now Zero for Eight Seasons (Satire)

(4) Comments | Posted June 13, 2011 | 12:43 PM

As the seconds ticked down in the Dallas Mavericks' 105-95 series clinching victory over LeBron James and the Miami Heat Sunday night, crowning Dallas the 2010-2011 NBA champions, jubilation erupted on the streets of Cleveland, Ohio. Former Cleveland Cavalier and one-time hometown hero LeBron James earned universal scorn on the...

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Searching For an Intellectually Honest GOP

(0) Comments | Posted April 25, 2011 | 8:52 AM

The chief flaw of the GOP -- as well as the source of its greatest pragmatic strength -- is the inherent deceit. The conservative powers that be know damn well there are a lot more people in this country who are not millionaires, than who are. And in order to...

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Conservative Pie: Republicans Introduce Legislation Redefining Pi as Exactly 3

(433) Comments | Posted March 21, 2011 | 1:21 PM

Author's Note: It has come to my attention that there was a widely-discussed satiric piece by Mark Boslough published last century also premised on the notion of the value of pi being changed. Any similarity between the earlier piece and mine is purely coincidental.

Congresswoman Martha Roby (R-Ala.) is sponsoring...

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Palin/Bachmann '12

(29) Comments | Posted February 24, 2011 | 3:05 PM

Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was (campaigning?) in South Carolina last weekend, home to an important early Republican presidential primary where she touted, among other things, the deficit-dissolving abilities of Glenn Beck's magic chalkboard. Elected to Congress four years ago, she does have better political bona fides than Sarah...

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Our Future Christian Theocracy

(6) Comments | Posted February 13, 2011 | 11:34 AM

The Onion newspaper, commonly known as "America's Finest News Source," published an article depicting their version of a 2083 classroom, in a country long accepting homosexuality as, well, as what some people are. But what if we follow another path?

Future History Students: "But two men or two...

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Sanctimonious Sanctity

(3) Comments | Posted January 31, 2011 | 6:28 PM

Human life is a lot of things, but inherently "sacred" is not one of them. There are many, many human lives of sanctity to every degree up to and including the truly sacred. But none of us, certainly not our governing class, have ever practiced what some of our leading...

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Marxism in the Midwest?

(14) Comments | Posted November 10, 2010 | 5:57 PM

Lambeau Field in Green Bay, Wis., is home to one of America's last communist experiments; and it's a near century-long success story. Founded in 1919, the Green Bay Packers remain the only major league franchise in American professional sports without traditional private owners. There are certainly no billionaires...

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Pinheads or Patriots?

(44) Comments | Posted May 10, 2010 | 6:16 PM

"I think it's absolutely ridiculous," said Julie Fagerstrom, mother of one of the four boys sent home from Live Oak High School on May 5. "All they were doing was displaying their patriotic nature."

This telling, knee-jerk reaction, endorsing louder, like-minded Tea Party ignorance, is what should stand...

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