It's almost been a full month since the birth of your baby girl. I want to start by congratulating you on keeping little Maxwell alive this long. I know the odds were against it.
Don't be mad -- the odds were against me keeping my daughter alive as well. I can't even keep a plant alive for a week. Or open a playground gate without lacerating my hand. And my baby is almost 2 and a half!
Now, I don't want to talk about your choice of baby name, your obsession with buying little Maxwell huge flowered headbands (even though I really HATE those) or your ability to capitalize on your offspring -- baby photos, weightloss deals, maternity lines, OH MY!
Nope. I'd like to talk about the conflicting reports I've seen in the gossip rags concerning your transition to motherhood.
Just a week or so ago, OK and Us sat next to each other at my local newstand. "At Home with Baby!" read Us, with reports of your extravagant nursery and your supreme happiness as a new mom. "Jessica's Baby Meltdown!" read OK, which detailed your doubts about marrying your husband, your worries about losing the baby weight and your fear of returning to work in less than top form.
I had to laugh at the incongruity.
Normally, when I see gossip magazines shouting headlines like "Angelina & Brad are engaged!" next to "Angie Leaves Brad Because of Texts to Another Woman!", I chalk it up to PR spin, misinformation and sad magazine people trying to keep their jobs.
And maybe that's how some people will see the reports about you.
But Jessica -- I can tell you that MOMS KNOW BETTER.
We know that experiencing "baby joy" the same week as a "baby meltdown" couldn't be closer to the truth. In fact, if you've made it a whole week without experiencing each at least 50 times, you're either lying or a robot.
Welcome to motherhood, Jessica!
You'll want to cry from happiness and tear your hair out with frustration on the very same day.
You'll feel on top of the world, celebrate with cupcakes and then want to throw your scale at your bathroom mirror an hour later.
You'll stare at your sleeping baby with a huge smile and then she'll start to wake up and you'll run from the room screaming.
Joy. Sadness. Happiness. Exhaustion. Elation. Depression. Smiling. Crying. Hosting. Hiding. It's all part of being a new mom.
Which should be really exciting for you, because there are so many gossip magazine headlines to be written!
Like if I were famous, maybe In Touch would come out with a cover photo of me taking my daughter to preschool in the rain yesterday with the headline, "Mazzy Looks Beyond Adorable in her Rain Gear!" And it would sit next to Star Magazine running the very same cover photo with the headline, "Ilana Considers Ditching her Daughter and Broken Stroller in the Rain!"
Both would be true!
Or last week, the covers could have been "Ilana Says a Sick Kid Means More Snuggles on the Couch!" next to "Flu Spreads Through Ilana's Household and Threatens to Destroy Family Forever!"
You see the possibilities, Jessica? If you milk it for all it's worth, motherhood can keep the gossip rags playing tit for tat forever.
So sit back, relax and start planning those back-to-back weight-loss struggles and successes.
Because you may be famous and have someone paying you millions of dollars to lose your baby weight, but in some regards, you are no different from the rest of us.
Welcome to the club!
P.S. Can you please tell me if Jen A. is pregnant? Because I can't even follow that storyline anymore.