Women Tell All: Fears, Tears, and (So Many) Regrets

03/07/2012 05:16 pm ET | Updated May 07, 2012

I have to say, (Wo)men Tell All is usually one of my favorite episodes all season, but this episode was very underwhelming.

I was really looking forward to seeing Jenna's weird facial expressions (which make Courtney's nose scrunches seem normal), hearing Monica and Blakely explain their brief pseudo-love affair on Night One, and witnessing some tears. I didn't get much of any of that. We barely even heard from half the women.

Chris Harrison introduced the ladies, starting with Amber (anyone know Amber? No? Just checking.), all the way through Kacie B. Interesting that Kacie B.'s spot in line was after Nicki, but she was let go before Nicki. A simple mistake, or a subtle message, Bachelor(ette) producers?

We started the night with some back and forth between Blakely and Samantha about Blakely's lack of friends on the show (because she was "older and more mature"). Brittney, who sent herself home, even after her grandmother begged Ben to give her a chance, got tired of Samantha's yapping and called her the "chihuahua of the house." Well played, Brittney. Even Chris Harrison couldn't contain himself.

Team Bachelor decided to bring out Shawntel. Apparently, coming back to the actual show wasn't enough, so they needed to bring her to the reunion show as well for a second round of misery.

To add insult to injury, we watched the girls' reactions to Shawntel's return to the house. Erika called her ugly and fat, Elyse pretended she didn't know who she was, and Jaclyn (I finally figured it out -- she looks like Janice from The Muppets!) told her she was Brad's dumpster trash. What a disaster. The poor girl only wanted to try and steal Ben away (sound familiar, ladies?) -- why are they all being so harsh?!

After Shawntel explained why she thought she deserved one of Ben's roses (she was on the show for all of three minutes. She clearly had high expectations.), we heard from Emily, whom I sincerely hope is the next Bachelorette. Though the rapping was slightly uncomfortable at times (as was her dress choice this evening), Emily was smart, funny, and sincere.

Nicki's montage was sweet, but, like her relationship with Ben, I have nothing really to say.

We had to relive Kacie B.'s ugly crying as she explained why she flew back to talk to Ben: "I wanted him to have an 'Oh, crap!' moment and take me back," she said. No such luck, Kacie. You can thank your parents for that one.

And then we were thrown for a loop. The producers never bring out either of the two finalists on Tell All. But, backstage, we saw Courtney, waiting to be escorted in to defend herself against the army of angry Bachelor women.

Before Team Bachelor throws her to the wolves lets Courtney out, we're shown a montage of her most evil moments, complete with multiple "winning" references, scrunch-mouse faces, and seductive nudity (including skinny dipping, near-naked tribal dances, and bathrobe-only night caps). We're also shown a compilation of the girls' reactions, plus Kacie B.'s black-widow spider smash, which every woman on the panel acted out in sync with the playback. It was cute.

I'd also like to mention the fact that Casey S., who barely uttered two words the entire season before being kicked off due to a past boyfriend "situation," was taking Courtney's side! Now you decide to be vocal, Casey?

Anyway, out comes the woman of the hour! Courtney struts out and cranks up the charm. She apologizes for her actions and regrets how she acted, but, in her defense, no one gave her a manual on how to be on The Bachelor.

What?! Did she think the other girls were given a step-by-step guide? Does she not realize that interacting with humans on the show is no different from interacting with humans outside of the show? I can't take it.

Courtney pinches herself to make herself cry apologizes again (after a certain point, it becomes insincere), the girls gang up on her (Emily does not accept Court's apology! Yea, karma!), and then exits through the back door. She hops into a black limo, probably to ugly cry.

Finally, Ben joins us, and all the women make sexy eyes at him. Nicki tells Ben what a wonderful guy he is, essentially blowing smoke up his "tail pipe," to quote Courtney, and Jaime [continues to be awkward]and offers herself to Ben, again. I just feel so bad for the girl.

We're shown short slideshows of both Lindzi and Courtney, and then see a few (rather amusing) outtakes that never made it on the show. See, underwhelming.

I must note, though, Monica and Jenna's tampon exchange was definitely the highlight of the show (probably for them, too, since that was the most air-time they received).

Now, who's ready for a proposal next week? And Bachelor Pad 3? Cannot. Wait. Do you agree?