IImam Khalid Latif is blogging his reflections during the month of Ramadan, featured daily on HuffPost Religion. For a complete record of his previous posts, click over to the Islamic Center at New York University or visit his author page, and to follow along with the rest of his reflections, sign up for an author email alert above, visit his facebook page or follow him on twitter.
My wife, Priya, usually wakes me up to pray every morning before sunrise. This being our first Ramadan together as a married couple, she's also taken on the task of getting me up to eat something before dawn when our fast starts. When I rolled out of bed yesterday, I noticed that she was a little more dressed up than usual for 4am. Before I could ask she told me she was going to the hospital. I gave her a kiss goodbye and asked her to call me if she needed anything.
My wife has been volunteering as a rape crisis and domestic violence counselor at a hospital near our home for quite some time. In the last month alone, she's been called to respond to emergency situations three times, all pretty early in the morning. When an abuse victim is admitted to the hospital, her role is to be there for this person in pretty much any way that they might need her. She has seen women from a variety of backgrounds who, unfortunately, have been abused in a variety of ways. It wasn't until seven hours later that she finally came home, well past the time her call shift had ended. Another case had come into the hospital while she was there and she decided to stay to help with that.
It's clear to see that she is passionate about helping these women and her work. In the last year, she transitioned out of a ten year career in finance to start a Masters degree in Social Work at New York University in order to pursue this passion even further. Her drive and ambition is something that is quite remarkable. Even now, when she and I are expecting our first child and despite being several months pregnant, she still stays committed to her responsibilities. It's one of the reasons why I love her as much as I do.
(For those who are wondering, my wife is not fasting. Pregnant women, amongst others, are exempt from fasting during Ramadan)
Later that evening, we went to a mosque to attend the evening Isha prayer (the fifth of five daily prayers Muslims pray) and Taraweeh prayers (a prayer that is observed by Sunni Muslims following Isha during Ramadan.) Afterward, we were in the car with a few friends and inevitably started a conversation on every young Muslims favorite topic: Marriage. This one interestingly focused on how many men, Muslim especially, have trouble committing to relationships with women who are motivated, driven and ambitious. Seemingly the idea that a woman is accomplished, has advanced degrees, or has been able to make a career for herself is something that is seen as problematic. Or at the very least many are taking it as such. Either way, it's still an issue.
The sad thing that comes into discussions like these are the need for religious legitimacy. Through our Tradition, it's seen as respectable, commendable as well as permissible for a woman to be accomplished. For example, the Prophet Muhammad's first wife, Khadijah, was fifteen years older than him, married him when she was 40, was a wealthy businesswoman, a widow, and also was his employer for some time. For a young woman to have to tell a man or his family of things like this to prove that she is somehow acceptable as a wife is unfortunate.
The Prophet Muhammad, by the way, did his share of chores. His wife Aisha was once asked "What did The Prophet do at home?" She said "He kept busy with housework. He patched his clothes, swept the house, milked the animals, and bought supplies for the house from the market. If his shoes were torn He mended them himself. He tied the rope to the water bucket. He secured the camel, fed it and ground the flour."
As a man, are you entitled to want to marry someone who will stay at home, cook, look after the kids and not work? Sure - but then don't start a relationship with someone who doesn't share a similar vision for her future. You will end up causing a lot more problems than you realize, mostly for the woman who is trying navigate herself through this situation and will then begin to doubt the time and energy she put into getting to where she is in life. No woman who has decided to follow her ambitions and pursue a career should be made to think that she was wrong for doing so and that her being single is a deeper sign of that wrongness.
It's important to realize though that a woman can be family-oriented while at the same time sustain a career or pursue higher education -- these values are not mutually exclusive. Many women whom I know have advanced degrees and are committed to their jobs do so because they become another means of support for their families. If anything, this shows dedication to a family rather than indifference towards one. But like most things, we see what we want to see on the surface, and fail to realize the deeper beauty that exists as a result. Whether you are a man or woman, make sure that you see the person that are you considering to build a relationship for who they are, not what you want them to be.
Accomplishment and drive are not things to be wary of. They are also not the only things to consider. People have many facets to their identity and to make conclusions based off of single variables that don't even necessarily flow logically to the outcome that is reached, can be quite detrimental. Not just for the person that is being cut out because of who they are, but also for the one who can't get over his own insecurities. In passing up on someone for a reason like this, you may be passing up on a great blessing in your life. I, for one, am quite happy, thank God, to be married to my wife, and the fact that she is driven by her passions for her work makes her that much more right for me.
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Imam Khalid Latif: Ramadan Reflection Day 20: Is It OK To Dislike A Parent?
It's all about Sociology. Our decisions are governed by our social belonging.
QUESTION!
How many women with high end jobs with salaries between 75k and 100K + a year would accept to marry somebody who earns just a quarter of that sum in a menial occupation?
الكفاءة transliterated Al Kafa'ah, the literal translation of the word is "Efficiency", but in the rules of Islamic marriage it is translated as "Equality" at a social level. Women in Islam have the right choose to or to refuse to marry someone according to his belonging to a certain social and or financial category of people. If he comes from a lesser family and or makes less money than what she is used to, then she can refuse to marry and this happens all the time and of course I am not talking about exceptions. continued...
The author criticizes those men who are afraid of ambitious career-pursuing women who end up choosing to spend a certain period of their lives concentrating on their studies and then on their careers which is legitimate in my opinion. But many if not most of these women end up living alone for long periods of time which is not a fatality. These women have a goal in their lives which is to develop themselves career wise, but in the fast-moving corporate world in which we live it is not easy for anybody, not just women, to get just "everything" in life. Continued...
Thank you.
I thank you for clarifying that. That is because many ambitious, working Muslim women (and their husbands) for some reason look at a stay-at-home Muslim woman with pity and just a tad bit of superiority, as if staying at home was not a choice too. As a a driven Muslim woman, are you entitled to marry someone who will have no qualms about your career and job? Sure - but then just don't look down on those women - and men - who choose to follow a rather traditional married way of life.
First off, I am very appreciative of your wife's work for the community. It is both necessary and important for the victims involved.
After reading the article, I did have two comments / questions:
1) The subject matter of the article seems to be outdated. Although there has been much discussion on women in the workplace with Marissa Mayer's CEO appointment at Yahoo! and Ann-Marie Slaughter's article in the Atlantic (http://bit.ly/LgipnR), your article takes the discussion back several steps in trying to describe the appropriateness of driven women in families. I would assume this view would not need to be explicitly stated in 2012.
2) How prevalent is the view amongst muslim men that they are apprehensive about pursuing relationships with ambitious women? If it is actually common, I would find it troubling to learn that many Muslim men in America hold antiquated views on women's roles in the family and society.
Thank you again for the posts.
Really? Why does anyone need any justification to help someone, whether it be your wife, kids, or neighbor?
How disconnected from being human do you have to be to use "divine" dictates to show you how to behave decently to another human being?
I am married, my wife stays at home because I can make more money in my career. I help her whenever and however I can and I need no "divine' ditacte or your gawd for me to know that that is the right thing to do.
She helps me and I help her...we are married and raising a family together....why would we do anything else but that?
I am happy you do not interpret your religion as it so easily can be interpreted (christianity has the same weaknesses). But why try and portray it as the "religion" or your "gawd". Why not just do things because you know they are right as a social animal called a human being?
JazakAllah khayr for your lovely reflections. I anxiously await them every single day like last year. However, having mentioned the problem, what is the solution to this, dear Imam? I have personally experienced heartache because of this issue myself, and have observed that especially when Muslim men become "religious" they want to see their wives confined to their homes. It frustrates me that they think us, religiously observant Muslim women, to jeopardize our families because of our careers and passions. As future mothers, we have a far greater realization than men to take care of our children because they're the greatest amanah Allah swt can endow any woman with.
Lastly, heads up to Priya! May Allah swt help her to do more and indeed, you're a very lucky man to marry her mashaAllah!
How could anyone take such a religion seriously? All this blood shed in the name of Allah!
I hope you have a great day. Asalamu Alaikum to you.
Seriously though, I believe that this is relative to their household and generational differences.I am a 2nd generation Indian-American Muslim, my mother moved to this country when she was 5 years old and was raised here. She does not have an accent, to put in perspective for some of you guys. She has been a business woman and entrepreneur her whole life and It's great, she still manages to take care of a great family. However, the two are NOT dependent on each other.
What needs to happen is for the MEN in to turn the page and do a little self reflection and be able to take that back seat once in a while. Eliminate the intimidation that may have been lingering from previous generations. Without them and their acceptance of the facts - they will always have sentiments of resentment or even jealousy.
Women have already turned that page and told themselves they they DONT have to stay at home. They CAN continue their education after high school and excel in what they love and be an actual member who contributes to society - not just their family,.
It's no longer man power - or woman power......it's called a team for a reason.