Do You Know What You Look Like?

Isn't self-image an odd thing? It is based on many factors and is often fraught with problems. The main problem with self image is that you can never really see yourself the way others do. This is simply due to the fact that your eyeballs are inside your head. Unless you could take them out and then turn them back towards yourself, you are reliant on reflections, photographs, what you can see when you look down at yourself and what feedback you get from others about how they see you. None of that is the same as actually seeing yourself.

For whatever reason, our self image tends to get set somewhere along the way even though we continue to change. We learn about who we are from the adults who raise us, our classmates in school, our neighbors, extended family, friends and the media. Our self image forms as we get feedback from all those sources and as we compare ourselves to others. It seems that we decide very early what adjectives describe us: fat, thin, cute, pretty, handsome, good-looking, geeky, smart, funny, young, selfish, etc...

When your self image differs from who you are today, it can cause you problems. This comes up often in my work with compulsive over-eaters who lose and gain large amounts of weight. If your self image is that of a fat person, and you lose 100 lbs., it can take years before you can see yourself thinner. The same goes for gaining weight if you have always been thin. You may be in denial that you are heavy if you see yourself as a thin person. It can take seeing yourself in a store window when you don't expect it, or seeing a photograph of yourself, to jolt you into awareness of how you currently look.

This image issue also comes up in relation to our aging process. It is difficult to see our own aging as we have always been young. The process is slow but one day you realize that people don't respond to you like they used to, you don't get carded anymore, people say "sir" or "madame" to you often and well, things change.

To be happy, I believe the more accurate our self image, the better. For example, if I am overweight, but in denial about it, I have to work to keep the denial going. This takes energy. I might avoid shopping for clothes, weighing myself, crossing my legs, pool parties, etc... When someone wants to take photos I might hide in the back. Conversely, if I have lost a lot of weight but don't see it yet, I still might hide in the back, avoid pool parties and even be suspicious when someone compliments my figure.

If you want to change something, you have to face it. Face it to change it. If I want to change my weight, I first have to admit that there is a reason to change it. I have to face it. If I want to look younger, I have to admit that I look older.

So how do you face yourself when you can never really see yourself?

Photographs are one way to see yourself, but they can be deceiving. The wrong angle, odd lighting, etc... can make a photo inaccurate. Video is better because you can see yourself in motion, as others usually see you. Glimpses in store windows are good because you can't manipulate the image before your brain gets it. Trying on clothes in a dressing room that has angled mirrors that allow you to see your back and side is an excellent way to see yourself. Strangely, when we look in our familiar mirrors, we don't see ourselves accurately.

So, go check yourself out. If you are happy with what you see, fantastic. If not, then you can make changes. Either way, having an accurate self image will serve you well.

That's it for now. Good luck and let me know how you're doing.

If you'd like to participate in the research for Irene's new book on weight loss, please visit http://www.eatingdisordertherapist.com/ and take the survey.

Comments

[gfk]

I was in denial that I had gained as much weight as I had until I saw a photo of myself and was horrified. I have lost weight since then but I can't see it. I've dropped about forty pounds but I look the same to myself. It's so weird.

[blueraven]

I think it's unhealthy to say it's OK to have a bad self-image if what you see isn't what you want, which is what you imply without stating it directly. Psyching yourself into thinking you're ugly is a contributing factor to eating disorders and low self-esteem, neither of which aid in weight loss. Personally, I find it's more effective to love my body and decide to treat it well because I love it, not because I look bad due to being fatter that I want to be. I make for a rather attractive fat woman. I cannot deny the belly, butt and hips. They're there. But I'm still good-looking. I'd be attractive if I were slimmer as well. The only thing that would change is that there would be less of me. That would be a gift to the body I love.

[HVW]

Not sure what you mean about having a bad self-image is unhealthy but being fat is certainly more "unhealthy" than a bad self-image! I think Irene is referring to the ability to change whatever image we have of ourself is a choice we can make. It doesn't necessarily change who we are as a person.