When Your Sibling Dies

Watching Michael Jackson's brothers say good-bye to him at the memorial was so painful. Watching his children was even worse. The entire family will have to live with the loss, the rest of their days.

Things are supposed to go in order. First you lose your Grandparents, then your parents (when they are really old and you are on your way to old) and then it's your turn. You are "on deck" once your parents are gone. Your children and your siblings are supposed to stay on this journey of life with you until the end.

I lost my Mom when I was seven so I have known since then, just how disorderly life can be. She was there one day and gone the next. Living with that kind of loss changes who you are forever. I'm not sure whether it has helped me better deal with future losses, or has made them even worse. I feel deeply for Michael Jackson's three young children because no matter who takes over, and how loving they may be, those three are going to have a bumpy ride.

I got the call over Thanksgiving weekend that my 40 year old brother had passed suddenly. My baby brother, who was supposed to get married (one day), have kids, be an uncle to my son and grow old with me was gone and I would never see him again. Just like that.

Sibling grief isn't talked about much. I don't even know what to say now in answer to the question, "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" Strangely, since he passed only eight months ago, that question has come up several times. I would always say, "I have four younger brothers." What do I say now?

If you have lost a sibling, I know you can relate to all this. Yesterday would have been his 41st birthday. There was no one to call and say Happy Birthday to and there will be one less call when my birthday rolls around in September.

The other day when we were driving somewhere, I noticed a parked car with the license plate "Deedles". Deedles was what my brother used to call me. Right above the plate was a big bumper sticker that said, "Hope". Probably just a coincidence, but it sure felt like a message from Jeff. Hope that there is something after we die. Hope that I will see him again one day. Hope that there is meaning in his passing. Hope.

I will miss him everyday, for the rest of mine. RIP Jeff.

Jeff Rubaum 1968-2008

If you'd like to make contact with Irene you can find her at http://www.motherlessdaughtersbiz.com/.

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Comments

[Jjc2006]

03:08 PM on 07/17/2009

I lost my only sibling, a sister, six years ago. I still miss her. Sometimes I get angry at her for leaving me. She was my big sister. Our mother died too young also. We never knew our maternal grandmothe­r as she died before our mother married. But when my sister died, I felt like I lost my mother all over again. She and I shared stories only we knew; glances, words, silly expression­s only she and I knew.

My sister's first grandchild was born last year. She is her namesake and I got to spend some time with her recently.
My father died many years ago. When my sister died, I felt like a lonely leaf on the branch of a tree.

Her children and her grandchild are now mine. I cherish that but regret she is missing so much.
I am writing down stories of our childhood; stories of two sisters and their parents that only we knew. Someday I hope her granddaugh­ter can laugh, cry, and smile with us when she reads the stories.

I have gone forward and healed but even reading your story brought me to tears. Our siblings are our other selves. They saw and shared the unique world we had. With them we looked forward to our future when we were children, and as adults we shared a past only we knew. Sibling relationsh­ips are special and I am grateful to have had 57 years with my sister. But I still miss her.

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

10:04 PM on 07/17/2009

Thank you Jjc2006 for your beautiful comment and I am sorry for the loss of your sister. We both have a lot of loved ones waiting for us when we pass. I am glad you are writing things down for the younger generation­. My brother and I had little sayings only the two of us shared. I like to think those are not lost, just on hold until we see each other again. Much Love, Irene

[Lesscancer]

03:34 PM on 07/16/2009

When my sister died -
My kids asked me what it was like-
What are you going to do?
At the time I told them -
I was very sad..
And that I would miss my sister Anne terribly-
As younger children --my kids wanted to know how I was going to talk to my sister-
They looked up to me with fear and concern in their water filled eyes-
I told them that I thought it would not be unlike learning a foreign language
That instead of picking up the phone-
I would first need to look to my heart
That our new way of talking...­would be softer than a whisper ...
only to be heard by us..
That when I look to my heart
Anne will be there- a strong bright beam ...
So strong that I could feel her, see her and hear her-
That our talking would be from the heart-
A special talk of all our own-

I am so blessed I had children at the time-who in reality gave me the courage for understand­ing what it was all about-not loss but more accurately continued gifts.

I am very sorry for your loss-

Bill Couzens Founder Less Cancer

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

01:20 PM on 07/17/2009

Bill, what a beautiful comment. I am sorry for your loss too. My son was 11 when Jeff passed and has been great. We are talking through it. Much Love to you, Irene

[Lesscancer]

06:31 PM on 07/17/2009

Thanks so much Irene-
I am not an expert in kids
But it seems our own experience­s with death and our responses to it are the blue prints we leave behind for our children for coping with loss-
My children for me were the inspiratio­n for me to reach for a higher level of personal leadership during those times-
Ironically as we work to lead our children through the complicate­d territory of death and loss-the process in turn seems to serve us as parents.
I am so grateful you wrote on this subject-Th­ank you and please keep up your good works-

Bill Couzens Founder Less Cancer

[DenverJim]

03:30 PM on 07/16/2009

Irene,
Sorry for your loss. When I was 16, my 4 year old sister died suddenly. There was a total of 5 kids, and I'm the second. She was the 5th. Because of my parents schedule, I had a huge amount of responsibi­lity with her. I changed her diapers, fed her meals, and sometimes even took her on errands with me. I loved her very much, and when she died, a part of me died with her. That happened 25 years ago, and sometimes I still think about her, and about how much she changed all of our lives, in her brief time with us. To this day, I describe myself as "one of five kids", and I always will. Hang in there. As you already know, grief moves at it's own pace. God Bless. PS: I think the license plate and bumper stickers were more than just a coincidenc­e.
Jim

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

01:22 PM on 07/17/2009

Thank you Jim. I will continue to say I have four younger brothers because it feels like it's not honoring him to just leave him out. I'm sorry you lost your sister so young. Heartbreak­ing. xoxo, Irene

[just a thought]

03:26 PM on 07/16/2009

i'm extending my empathy, as i can relate with you and your article on so many levels. i, too, have experience­d more than my share of loss, first my grandparen­ts (in elementary­), then my father (in junior high)... then, my mother (when i was 25). i, being the youngest of 4 with an almost 16 year age gap between me and the oldest, am faced with the reality that, if all happens in a natural succession­, i will have to experience the loss of my siblings. this terrifies me. but, as you can relate, experienci­ng such losses and being so rudely and abruptly reminded that life is erratic and doesn't owe anything to us suggests that we sieze every opportunit­y to show those we care about how much we love them. reading your editorial gently nudged me to place those phone calls to remind them what they mean to me and how much i appreciate having them in my life. thank you, irene.

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

01:23 PM on 07/17/2009

Thank you!

[rosema]

01:49 PM on 07/16/2009

I lost an older brother just last month. He wasn't the first I lost another older brother 4 years ago. When my first brother passes we didn't find out until 2 weeks after. It was devastatin­g to say the least. There was so much guilt for not being able to be there for him and say goodbye. Not long after I had a dream that he was sitting at a table smiling drinking some pop, it was something he enjoyed. I took it as his way of telling me I'm alright, I'm in a good place now.
I sometimes hope to have the same type of sign from my brother who just passed, but in his case I know he is already in that better place. He had suffered the last nine years with a brain injury that left him unable to walk, talk, eat or breath on his own. And although despite his injury his death was still a shock and unexpected­. But this time we were all there and able to say goodbye and for a brief while he was able to open his eyes and look around at everyone and it seemed as if he was telling us it's okay, I'll be alright. He passed not long after that moment with what looked to me a smile on his face.

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

02:23 PM on 07/16/2009

Hi Rosema, Thank you for your beautiful comment. I am so sorry for your losses. I'm glad he came to you in that dream.

[krisgarfield]

12:38 AM on 07/16/2009

Oh my...this really tugs at my heart. Solace sometimes appears in the most unexpected and quite often, delightful guises.

Such is the way "Deedles" and "Hope" made it's way to you via a license plate. Don't analyze these blessings, just absorb, breath, and feel that hope.

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

02:23 PM on 07/16/2009

Thanks Kris.

[happycat]

11:26 PM on 07/15/2009

Irene, how absolutely heartbreak­ing for you and the rest of your family. I hope that your amazing gift as a writer, has helped you to find some sort of solace in this.

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

02:24 PM on 07/16/2009

Thank you for your lovely comment happycat. That and your user name made me happy.

[kcsmom]

01:44 PM on 07/15/2009

I'm so glad another has had the license plate experience­!
My family thinks I'm crazy, but I now take photos of plates that have meaning. Shorty after my son suicided at 22, my husband was hospitaliz­ed next to the building where my son was previously­. Still numb, I parked one evening to go see him when I saw, parked next to me, a car with a license plate that said "Pooh's Girl". It made me smile, because the Pooh and Christophe­r Robin song had such meaning for me and my son when he was small. Then, within the week that they passed, three different friends' names appeared on plates!
After one particular­ly gray day, I was weepy coming home from my doctor. When I pulled up to a red light, the car in front had a combinatio­n of his initials, birth and death date. I also noticed the model was a Lacrosse which he played.

Cotinue to stay open to other synchronii­ties . They happen when you least expect it. I do believe it's Spirit's way of comforting when you need it the most.

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

02:26 PM on 07/16/2009

Thank you kcsmom. I am so sorry you have lost those loved ones. I will stay open. You too. It's nice to know we are not alone.

[gfk]

10:22 AM on 07/15/2009

Irene, I so related to this. I have lost many close family members and I never stop missing them no matter how long they have been gone. I am very sorry for your loss.

[Irene Rubaum-Keller]

02:26 PM on 07/16/2009

Thank you gfk.