QUESTION
Hi Irene,
My husband and I moved across the country 10 years ago so he could pursue a job after finishing graduate school. After re-establishing our careers, having our first child, buying and fixing up a house, and trying to get involved in our church and community organizations, etc., we've a developed a broad circle of acquaintances. However, we have very few close friends and we are both saddened and disappointed by this reality.
It often seems that the potential friends we could make are already firmly entrenched in their own social circles and aren't interested in more than superficial contact. I know it seems obvious to make the effort to turn some acquaintances into closer friends, but so often those individuals have competing priorities, limited time, live substantial distances from us, are much older or much younger, etc.
While we certainly know people we'd like to get to know better, there are always seem to be barriers to forming stronger friendships. Our families are also not close by, and for a variety of reasons, we want to spend holidays here at home and not traveling long distances anymore. But the absence of family and close friends can be pretty challenging at certain times of year. Any suggestions? I honestly think we are likable people -- I don't quite understand how things got this way.
Best,
Lori
ANSWER
Dear Lori,
It sounds like this has been a very busy and productive decade for you and your husband. As you mentioned, you've moved, established careers, started a family, and gotten involved with a new church and community. Your child is still under the age of 10 so child rearing has to be a big part of your lives, too. With two people working, I imagine you both still do a lot of juggling.
When vacations or holidays come around, it's natural for people to wish they had a warm, loving, multigenerational Italian family who lived nearby, or at least a family of friends to be with who gets along with and resembles their own nuclear family. I've felt that way myself.
There are no simple answers to finding a couple that "clicks" but a few suggestions crossed my mind:
* Creating a compatible foursome is challenging, even before adding kids to the mix. Perhaps, it would be easier to start with you or your husband finding a friend that "clicks" instead of looking for couples at the onset. Then you could try to expand the friendship.
* Don't fall into the trap in thinking that your soul mates have to be just like you. You may find that people who are older, younger, or different in other ways make for compatible friends. For example, you may want to invite a recent divorcee or single mom and her child to dinner.
* Can you develop some rituals with families with whom you're already acquainted that might eventually lead to closer ties? For example, if you're not comfortable enough to spend Thanksgiving with another family, might you want to invite them to a summer barbeque on Memorial Day weekend or on July 4th? Sometimes it's a matter of time.
* Would you be willing to forgo the traditional holiday dinner? If you have time off from work and school and can afford it, could you plan a cruise or vacation where you can meet up with other families who might be looking for companionship?
* Any chance you could entice some family members or out-of-town friends to visit you?
* Some families set aside time to help others---either through their house of worship or community agencies. That makes people feel so appreciative for what they DO have.
Perhaps these thoughts can help you think in new directions.
My best,
Irene
Other posts on The Friendship Blog that touch upon couple friends:
I love my BFF but can't take her husband
Losing sleep over a betrayal by a couple
Friends who live high on the hog
Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine
Most of the boys live in our neighborhood. But had we not joined the soccer team or the pool...socially it would be very different. We made close friends with many of the parents and spent holidays, most weekends and took trips together. Once your child makes a circles of friends..the parents friendships usually follow.
I invited the parents over for dinners and organized events where we could all spend time together and bond. Families are usually thrilled to be invited over for dinner or a back yard bar-b-q. I also invited all the boys for sleep overs and play dates. Our son's social life brought him and us a lot of happiness but it also took work to get if off the ground.
Our son is now at college but he is still friends with all of those boys that he met in kindergarten and attends to college with some of them.
Now that your boys are grown, did any of the parent friendships survive?
Irene
Yes, we are still close because most of us live in the same neighborhood. In addition, my son attends the same university with his best friend since K as well as, boys who were in his class from 5-12 after he moved from public to a small private school. It's a popular school here in Va.
He can't cross the campus without running into someone he grew up with! His roommates are all new friends so, he doesn't limit himself to the old ones.