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Dr. Irene S. Levine

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How could my friend and colleague undermine me?

Posted: 03/11/09 06:24 PM ET

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm an award-winning author with a friendship dilemma. A long time friend has definitely hurt my feelings. She told one of my clients whose memoir I'm writing that she'd Googled my agent and that he was basically a "nobody," casting doubts upon my agent's ability to broker a deal on his book and the likeliness of film rights.

It sowed seeds of doubt with my client and caused me a lot of unnecessary time trying to defend my agent who is actually one of the most powerful in the business. In fact, he doesn't have a website and intentionally keeps a low profile because he's exclusive and takes on new authors by referral only.

She also told my client that I'm "just a ghost writer," which is not an accurate account of my abilities and I felt it was said in a disparaging manner and insinuated that she doubted I could pull off a project of this scope. My dilemma is whether or not to send her the note setting the record straight, along with a list of my agent's top-tier clients.

I am hurt and astonished by her behavior. Should I confront her, or do as my husband counsels and simply have the revenge of a bestseller and boatloads of money from film rights. What are your thoughts? I'm feeling blue, fatigued and having a hard time jumping back into my assignments after this disappointment.

I haven't responded to her latest email which is all chatty and thanking me for recommending a good book doctor for her manuscript. I don't have it in me today.

Signed,
Kaila

ANSWER

Dear Kaila,

I can well understand your feelings of hurt and disappointment. It's sad when a friend has to tear you down to build herself up. Your "friend" has undermined you with your client, either because she is competitive and envious of your success or because she is clueless and has bad judgment. In either case, you have a friendship problem.

I think that this one will be hard, if not impossible, to remedy. If her envy is the problem, that is something SHE can work on but there isn't much you can do yourself to make her less envious of you. If she has bad judgment and loose lips, can you trust her enough to involve her or even let her know about your business dealings in the future?

It's absolutely necessary for you to educate your client about your confidence in your agent -- and you've learned an important lesson about your friend. You have the choice of cutting her off from you completely or trying to redefine the relationship by setting clear boundaries about what you can comfortably tell her and what you can't. Perhaps, you need to stay clear of any discussions about your work. But squelching communication about such an important element of your life may doom the friendship. The ball is in your court. Whether your friendship survives this betrayal will be determined by the strength of your ties to one another and how meaningful this friendship is to you overall.

Best of luck with your book!

Sincerely,
Irene

Have a friendship dilemma that is bothering you? Perhaps I can help. Write to me at: Irene@fracturedfriendships.com.


Irene S. Levine, PhD
is a freelance journalist and author. She holds an appointment as a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine and is working on a book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving the Myth, that will be published by Overlook Press in September, 2009. She recently co-authored Schizophrenia for Dummies (Wiley, 2008). She also blogs about female friendships at The Friendship Blog.

 
 
 

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