Having Trouble Making New Friends Stick? 11 Possible Causes

Question:

Hi there,

I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort, and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.

A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend, but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college, I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can't I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don't call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get-together, we have fun... but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don't get it -- what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great -- we have fun when we are together -- but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.

The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get-together, but then I see others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?

I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?

Signed,
Amanda

Answer:

Hi Amanda,

Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you're a pariah. It's impossible to guess why your friendships don't "stick" and there's no uptake by others, but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence -- and something you want to change.

Can you self-identify your specific problem(s)? Here are some possible reasons that someone might have difficulty developing close, reciprocal relationships with friends. I'm sure other readers will add to the list.

1. Temperament: Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable, too.
2. Insecurity: Do you feel like you can't measure up to the people you want as friends? Are you able to trust other people? These may be barriers that create distance between you and your friends.
3. Preference: Are you introverted? When push comes to shove, do you actually prefer being alone rather than spending time with friends? Do you think people know this when they're around you? Or are you extraordinarily social, so preoccupied with making lots of acquaintances that you lose out on making close friendships?
4. Psychological issues: Do you have a history of difficulty establishing intimate relationships with others? Are you uncomfortable with people knowing the real you?
5. Lack of experience: Regardless of age, some people lack the skills needed to make and maintain friendships. Do you think you have what it takes to be a good friend?
6. Situational obstacles: Do you live in a geographical area where it is particularly difficult to connect with people? This might include living someplace rural where there are few people or because of a history of frequent moves, being someplace where you feel like an outsider.
7. Disabilities: Do you have a mental or physical disability? Unfortunately, because of stigma, people shun individuals with mental or physical disabilities. In addition, being homebound can limit the opportunity to make friends.
8. Personality: Is there something about you that others find grating? Are you too needy? Too pushy? Too talkative? Too controlling? Are you fiercely independent, wanting to call all the shots regarding what, when and where? Sometimes there is something off-putting about a person's behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.
9. Communication style: Do you respond to your friend's overtures as well as initiate contact? Are you available online or by phone, depending on your friend's preferred mode of communication.
10. Time-management problems: Do you have a hard time juggling all the responsibilities and demands placed on you? Do you consider making time for friends selfish or frivolous?
11. Unrealistic expectations: Have you led your friends to believe that you will always do the organizing? Do you have an unrealistic, romanticized notion of friendship? Do you expect all friendships to be perfect and last forever?

Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can't figure out about yourself. It doesn't necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling or someone else you trust.

Because you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.

I hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,
Irene

* * * * *

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch upon having no friends:
"Can Angelina possibly be a lonely girl?"
"Why do some women have such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?"
"Making new friends and keeping them too"

 

 

 

Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine

Comments

[TheBodySacred]

06:43 PM on 04/25/2011

You will have greater success making friends if you use the law of attraction. You are working too hard to attract people who are not attracted to you. I struggled with this for many years, trying to be friends with everyone, even with people who have different world views than me. I have even tried to limit myself to a certain group or circles of people whom I thought would fit into the desirable category of friendship, and who had something in common with me. I have now abandoned that model and just allowed myself to be, and with that I am attracting friends from a different circle that I never in my wildest dreams ever thought would want to be friends with me, and the surprising thing is that I am finding more commonality with them than I ever thought. I have also learned that close friendships are rare, and popular folks are popular because they are open to receiving love from all directions, and make others feel important. Friendless people usually find themselves in the positon of: who I like doesn't like me, and who likes me I don't like. You got to be open to receive love, even from people you deem undesirable, and be willing to open your heart to them in appreciation. It does not mean you will be close friends, but it will mean you will never be friendless, and find some true treasures in unexpected places! :-)

[Laura Harvey]

02:40 PM on 04/25/2011

I would suggest that someone who is looking for friends or has trouble making/keeping friends might first find something that they are interested in -- art, history, a sport, hiking, nature, spirituality, books, etc. -- and then find a group that is involved in that interest. I never found that mommy groups worked for me, such as PTA or play dates or chatting with mothers at sporting events. Now that I have found what interests me -- spirituality, theology, self-awareness, meditation -- I have many friends who are also interested in the same things. I also think it's helpful to become aware of all the judgment we are throwing out there. If we think that other people are shallow, self-absorbed, selfish and rude -- there's no way to hide all that judgmental thinking. People are going to pick up on it. So try to develop some genuine compassion, kindness and interest in the people you meet, it will come across in the way they perceive you.

[Ellie Vokes]

09:00 AM on 04/25/2011

I've always felt there was something wrong with me just because I enjoy doing things by myself. Often times I find myself passing on going out with friends for an evening in with a great book or to watch some movies.

There are those times about once a month where I would like to get together for a friends night but other than that I'm good. If I'm around a lot of people for any length of time it can get really draining for me. Even being at the mall for any period of time just emotionally drains me. I'm not sure if this is why I keep to myself or not but sometimes being around people is just too much for me.

[isisreptiles]

05:20 PM on 04/27/2011

I think that our society considers that there is something "wrong" with someone who would prefer to spend time alone rather than socializing. IMO, being an introvert is considered to be a big flaw in our society, and we are considered "less than" those who are extroverted. I have felt that all my life.

I feel the same as you about being around people too much. I find it very draining, and particularly if it's a large group, or people I don't know well. I enjoy a limited amount of socializing on an occasional basis. Socializing maybe once a month is plenty for me.

[Peggysue4u]

05:45 AM on 04/25/2011

I have a friend who could have written this letter. I do not initiate contact with her often, because she seems sneaky and seems to have a hidden agenda. She was Principal of a school, and never did a thing to help her friend’s children. These children were looking for jobs, and were highly qualified. When they were offered interviews, she seemed to sabotage their chances in the background. That is hard to forgive. She seems to hate my husband. When I try to confront her on these issues, it is deny, deny, deny. Would you want to be friends with someone like her? She keeps on complaining about being lonely. There is a reason for that.

[nikoman1]

01:23 PM on 04/23/2011

I could have written that letter...I've had the same problem all of my life with friendships and suffer the same malaise as the writer...I have to initiate contact or I will not receive any contact. I grow weary of setting up "play dates" that only cause me to have to bear the responsibilities of the date. Once in a while it would be nice for these "friends" to reciprocate and when it is, it generally doesn't show much enthusiasm so instead of trying to change my personality or force myself into uncomfortable situations and unnecessary anxiety, I QUIT! I'm done trying to establish, maintain or keep any friendships. Too many times I have assisted people from helping get their homes painted, moving them, presents for their kids, birthday parties, gifts the list goes on ad nauseum only to receive little or nothing back. I've listened to hundreds of hours self indulgent rants, raves and whines about hair, weight, mates that I could have been doing something interesting or fun or just more productive but when it was my turn, they were busy, impatient or just not available. I really feel for the writer...I know the lonliness but I just don't have anything left to give and people are too self absorbed to extend themselves so I'll stick with my dog...people are too much work.

[Jaesb]

02:25 AM on 04/23/2011

It's been really good reading these posts and finding out that alot of other women are somewhat friendless. I'm in my 60's now and have only had 1 or 2 friends at a time during different phases and ages in my life. I've never known why I couldn't gain friends even from grade school on. I got used to doing things alone and enjoy it for the most part, as I am something of an introvert anyway. If you learn to like yourself and enjoy your own company you will do fine. Some times being around alot of people is "too much sensory overload" for those who are sensitive and so the need to spend time alone is important. My only concern now is how I will develop friendships in my old age (concerning my track record) if my husband would die and I would really be alone all the time then. It helps to have some loving pets to keep you company too.

[Kathie McDonald Rost]

11:06 PM on 04/22/2011

I have lived in many places, including Europe, and now live in Southern Cal. After 4 years here, I have bupkus! I've always been able to make ad keep friends, but here, no one seems to care about anyone but themselves! Even my cousin is this way- she lives 5 miles away and I never see her. Saw her more when I lived in Hawaii! I volunteer, go to the gym, chat people up---nothing. If I didn't have so many friends before I moved here, I'd definetly think there is something wrong with me.
Now I have to figure out what I can do about it as I am stuck here for at least another 7 years. I am very outgoing so I miss having the "gal pals" in my life.

[gen-x mom2]

10:31 PM on 04/22/2011

Sometimes I think women are not always welcoming to new people. For instance maybe the group of three were friends first before Amanda came along. Maybe they like her but she might not have the same level of inclusion. I notice this with some of the school moms I've met. My oldest started preschool last year, but many of the moms know each other from their older children and they do not seem to want to include the "new" moms on the playdates and such.

[lindahopsing]

10:22 PM on 04/22/2011

My friends from school moved or are involved with family. I got tired of doing all the work also. At my son's sporting events I always sit next to someone, initiate ta conversation, ask about them, family, comment on their child, compliment, etc. No one really"reciprocates"; I leave feeling like I know alot about the person but they know nothing about me! When I worked in a small bs people would organize to go out for a drink, and never invite me. One of my sisters makes immediate and long lasting friends. They think she's the greatest. She's very enthusiastic to see someone, all are "best friends" .but she'll also say, "here they come again" . She spends hours on the phone talking to friends but never calls me. If I call to express frustration over our dad or I'm hurt- she never really wants to hear it. Maybe I'm negative and I don't want to bring anyone down (so I don't show that to people I don't know well) - but for someone so wonderful to others, she seems very uncaring to me. I'm just not naturally as warm & fuzzy (or fakey?) as her. I want to have friends, close friends. but don't know how to do it. I'm polite and interested in others - but it never gets beyond the Hi/Bye stage. My child has asperbergers and doesn't know how to have a "conversation" - so maybe I don't either....I just think I'm being very social?

[IAStudent]

09:30 PM on 04/22/2011

Obviously I don't know this person, but just thought I'd offer another perspective:

I couldn't help but be struck by her description of her "friendships:" that they all have fun when they get together, and then "nothing"...she feels alone and unsupported.

I lstudied abroad for a few years, and met many foreigners who had spent time in the US. They all said this exact same thing about Americans! Even the English, who WE think of as not as warm as ourselves, complained about the superficiality of Americans and how, although we are friendly, we are very hard to actually make FRIENDS with. I met some kids who had done internships in New York and they all talked about how they would go out and meet people and have a great time, and everyone would talk about getting together again, "and then nothing."

Anyway--just wanted to point out that I think this may be at least partly cultural, and maybe the REAL difference between this woman and her other "friends," is that SHE is trying to find real friendship, which is a rare commodity in this country, for whatever reason. The Europeans I met were harder to get to know initially, but to this day are the best friends I've ever had. How many times have you made "plans" with an American and then it doesn't happen? This has never happened to me with any of my foreign friends. They are just much more genuine.

[isisreptiles]

05:19 PM on 04/22/2011

Some reasons I have either declined or ended a friendship:

1. Too needy/clingy
2. Constantly complaining/whining, especially about things they could do something about
3. Not respecting my boundaries
4. Not being respectful/tolerant of my beliefs, opinions, and way of doing things
5. Forcing their beliefs/way of doing things/opinions on me
6. Judgmental or condescending attitude or having attitudes/beliefs I find offensive such as bigotry, racism, homophobia, etc.
7. Too closed and secretive. I don't like closed or secretive people, I don't trust them, and I don't want them in my life.

[Ellie Vokes]

08:40 AM on 04/25/2011

thank-you for this...I think this sheds some great light.

[ZMP]

12:30 PM on 04/22/2011

Maybe you are too pretty or intimidate others. Women can be catty and jealous and often shy away from those who seem better than they are. It might not be you. Maybe you need to evaluate yourself and choose friends with higher self-esteem who won't compete with you.

[Ecoli]

03:09 AM on 04/22/2011

Why worry about trying to make friends? My previous extensive personal experience I find it very disappointing that all of my friends are either dishonest or taking advantage of my generosity. I’ve learned a lesson not to be serious with them because they will take
advantage of your situation and eventually you lose respect for what they are. People feel that it’s the end-of-the-world when they have difficulty making friends. I’ve read on a previous post that volunteering is one way to meet new friends. Join the Peace Corps. Previously, I was volunteering in some hospitals and lately as a Metro Police volunteer. Though I lost most of my friends I find it rewarding to find new ones for volunteering. There are billions of people in the world and can’t find a friend? Come on!!!

[stromssa]

10:32 PM on 04/21/2011

I can completely relate to this article, and throughout my own life, my situation mirrors that of the woman in this article. I am 33 years old, but as a child was shy. Later on, the shyness disappeared but a fundamental introversion remained. Though I am married (to a fellow introvert), I enjoy being alone: Dining alone, shopping alone. I am comfortable in my own company. For years, though, I have longed for at least one or two very deep, rich friendships, but so far, this eludes me. I think this is due to my preference to introversion.

I also long for depth in my friendships, one-on-one conversations, mutual caring. As it happens, the friendships I do attract tend to be with self-absorbed people seem to like a listener that will allow them to the "star" in the friendship. Sometimes I feel more like a therapist to the friends I do have; they are very one-sided.

I don't know what the answer is; it does take time and effort to nurture deep friendships, and introverts perhaps find it more difficult to put themselves "out there" as much as they might long for connection.

[Ellie Vokes]

08:48 AM on 04/25/2011

This is so bizarre. As I was reading this I could have sworn you were reading my mind! I have often found that I attract extroverts (usually selfish,mean extroverts) who are amazed at my "listening" skills. I then end up becoming their therapist and as you said it all becomes one-sided. These same people do not understand how I can be comfortable doing so many things alone and I just don't understand why they complain all the time of doing things without someone. It's all rather strange.

The world is full of extroverts and introverts are sorely misunderstood.

[ml1977]

09:55 PM on 04/21/2011

I have trouble making friends. I had a few friends in school but they all left home. I am 34 now. I greet every person I meet with a welcoming smile and just have trouble fitting to a situation that is like a ready made family and its fusterating. I am always willing to listen and do not ever divulge information given to me. Clubs and classes are not an option because of a tight budget. Once pepole get to know me they often get private and secretive.
michelle
naples florida