New Mom Having a Hard Time Making New Friends

Making new friends takes time, self-confidence, and creativity

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Friendships have become a sore point for me at this juncture in my life. I am in my 30s and have a lovely husband and toddler son. I used to work full time and hence, never really developed any friendships in my neighborhood. I've met a few people at social events but never followed up.

Now that I've been home for the past few months, I feel so much at sea with the new friends I've made at our community park. These moms have kids who are at least three years older than my son. I feel disconnected from the other moms who talk with each other, meet at school, and leave their kids for playdates. I feel rejected because they don't call me -- or do so only rarely -- and now I am beginning to feel they don't like me and don't really miss me/us if we aren't at an event or gathering.

I feel like I don't have much to offer. I am a well-educated professional with interests and hobbies but people seem to be intimidated by me. I have kept wondering if it is just me or the type of person that I am that doesn't work for these friends. I come from a highly intellectual background from educated and well-traveled parents.

Now that I am re-connecting with some old school and college friends, I feel afraid of being rejected by them too, i.e. they may not call me after our first conversation or may not show interest in keeping in touch.

As I walked through a greeting card aisle today, I saw cards for a best friend and close friends. Over the past ten years of my friendships, I was trying to think of someone I could give this card to, or someone I could get one from. Maybe one or two people came to mind vaguely.

I really want to change myself so that I can work on things that I have control over and nurture close relationships. Right now I just feel at sea and lonely that I don't have a close and fun relationship with a friend.

Signed, Amber

ANSWER

HI Amber,

You've undergone a number of major life changes in a relatively short period of time: You've gotten married, have become a mother, and have left the workforce. You're living in a very different type of setting from the one in which you were raised and there may well be a mismatch between you and many of the people around you.

Given these factors, having difficulty making new friends doesn't sound that unusual. It takes time to get accustomed to the role of being a full-time parent and to find your place in a new community. It's great that you are reaching out to other young moms on the playground -- but you may be the type of person who is more comfortable with one or two close friendships rather than the "cocktail party" type who craves a group of acquaintances.

When we're lonely, it's natural to think about reaching back into the past to resurrect relationships with old school chums -- but be cautious. You may realize that you have even less in common with these friends -- except for your shared history.

Your note raises several questions that may be worth considering:

1) Have you tried to place yourself in situations where you can potentially meet people who have more in common with you? For example, can you join a mom's group with mothers and toddlers closer to your son's age? Can you arrange to get out of the house one evening a week to pursue a hobby or interest, or join an organization with other women in your community? Are there any former co-workers that you would be interested in getting together with from time to time? Is there a neighbor whom you could invite over for coffee or tea while you son is napping?

2) Could you be mistaking a low mood for loneliness? If you aren't feeling good about yourself and feel like you have nothing to offer to other people, it's hard to get close to others. Are you having changes in appetite, sleep problems, or other symptoms that might be associated with depression?

3) Because of your insecurities or shyness, could you be giving the impression that you aren't interested in making new friends? Are you timid about making overtures to people whom you like to get to know?

I raise all of these issues as possibilities for you to think about. Don't give up hope or be too hard on yourself just because you haven't yet found a kindred spirit on the playground. Building relationships takes time and also some creativity in thinking about new ways to find friends if the ones you are trying haven't worked.

Best, Irene

Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog about making friends:

• Why do some women have such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?


• Why would someone have no friends?


• Trouble making close friends?

 

 

 

Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine

Comments

[Kathy Morelli]

02:09 PM on 11/11/2011

Wow, this hit home.I had a career on Wall Street until I was 36. While I was glad to be home to raise my son, it was a big change. I was used to being intellectually challenged. I talk about this on my blog, BirthTouch. Took me some time to figure out dynamics of friendships in the suburbs, which are often based around kid's activities. I never did adjust, really. I'm much happier now that I'm back at work, I have work colleagues. When I was home as a young mom, I made a few good friends, whom I still see. Didn't fit in with the groups formed around the PTA or the soccer games. Today many young moms make friends via meet-ups. Go on the computer and google the meet ups around your town, usually the meet ups are very specific as far as interests and parenting go. One friend told me since she had her child and moved across the country she made a solid circle of friends by creating her own meet-up with her own criteria. It may not necessarily be the people in your town. While it's nice to have friends right in your town, sometimes you may find people who are more compatible with you by creating your own herd of people via the meet up, which is possible nowadays. Additionally, in my clinical practice, many women express the same feelings. You are not alone, Good luck, Kathy

[DrVeronicaEyeMD]

04:33 PM on 11/11/2011

I think also making friends is like dating - you have to kiss alot of frogs until you meet a prince. Although I never stayed at home I never formed close bonds with the PTA crowd. I felt I had little in common with them because I wanted to discuss world events rather than gossip about life in the small community and subjects surrounding my husband and kids. Now I am friends with women who are mothers but also entrepreneurs. Look for these type of women and perhaps you will feel more intellectually challenge and want to form close bonds.

[IreneL]

11:23 AM on 11/14/2011

Thanks for adding your good advice, Veronica.
Best, Irene

[IreneL]

11:24 AM on 11/14/2011

Thanks for chiming in, Kathy. I hear the same about Meetup groups being great places to meet new and different people.
Best,
Irene