I've never met Sophia Dembling in person but consider her a friend of sorts. We met as members of one or another online writer communities that we both frequent because we have so many overlapping interests. She lives in Texas but her roots are pure New York. I love her sense of humor and her refreshing candor.
When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, women described what it was like to meet a close friend. "We just clicked," was the most common phrase they used. You can say that Sophia and I clicked, both literally and figuratively. Another thing we seem to have in common is that we consider ourselves introverts.
I asked Sophia to write a guest post on the topic of friendship among introverts. Feel free to post your own feelings about introversion at the end of this thread.
Sophia Speaks about friendship and introverts...
Losing friends can be particularly difficult for introverts because we don't surround ourselves with people. We prefer a few intimate friends to lots of less-intense friendships, and deep discussion with one person to a party full of festive chitchat. For us, losing one good friend can leave a larger hole in our lives than it might for an extrovert with 25 best friends.
Attrition in my friendships in recent years has forced me to think about what I most need and want in my friends. Among other things, and like all of us, I want my friends to understand me. But first, of course, that entails understanding myself. Writing and talking to people about introversion has helped me gain insight into my own behavior and what extroverts might want to know about their introverted friends.
It's all about energy: What appears to be the bottom-line difference between introverts and extroverts is that social interactions are energizing to extroverts but draining for introverts. This is why I might come to your party but leave long before the conga line starts. And why a stretch of interaction then requires a few days of solitude to recover. If you understand this, you will have grasped a key quality of your introverted friends and their perhaps puzzling behavior (why didn't she come to the after-hours party?) will make more sense.
I don't need to come out of my shell: A huge misconception about introverts is that we're all shy. Nope, not the same thing. One can be introverted and shy, or introverted and not shy. (Same with extroversion.) I'm not shy. When I'm in the mood to socialize, I'm perfectly friendly and outgoing. When I'm reluctant to socialize, it's choice, not fear. So if I decline an invitation, please don't push or insist it will be good for me. I have my reasons and they're valid. (At the same time, I promise not to say "no thanks" too often.)
The more is not the merrier: Not for me, anyway. If we make plans, please, please don't invite other people to join us-at the very least, check with me first. Introverts usually prefer one-on-one to groups and I'm bummed when the nice cozy visit I anticipated turns into a convivial racket. I'm sure your friends are wonderful people, just don't spring them on me and please don't be offended if I decline invitations to group outings. (Although I do believe that friends attend friends' parties. It's the right thing to do and if you throw one, I will come.)
Anything but the telephone: I have one friend who likes to call "just to hear my voice." Very sweet of her but I wish she would invite me to lunch instead. (Yes, of course I invite her; I usually initiate our get-togethers.) Like many introverts, I loathe the telephone. For one thing, we tend to think and respond slowly, and dead air on the telephone doesn't work. I'm awkward on the phone, especially when just-to-chat calls drop on me from out of the blue. And I feel bad that the other person can always sense my yearning to break free. But really, it's not you, it's the phone. Don't take it personally. (I do talk on the phone, sometimes for hours, with far-flung friends. However, I like to either schedule those calls or initiate them so I don't feel ambushed. I often screen my calls and return them when I feel up to it.)
Yes, I like online communication: Don't give me grief: The Internet is a godsend for introverts. Not as a replacement for face-to-face, no no!, but to stay connected between visits and take care of business (making plans, for example) without obligatory and tedious phone chitchat. Want to make me happy? Set up a get-together via e-mail. (I don't text or IM much, but many introverts like those, too.) I'm also a fan of social networking-a Facebook extrovert. I'm not a loner in my parents' basement with lots of virtual friends and no "real" ones. My Facebook friends are mostly real-life friends, many of whom are far away. I love being able to kibitz with them anytime online. (Of course, as a writer, I also spend a lot of time in front of a computer.) If you're not a fan of Facebook, that's fine. Just don't hassle me about it, OK?
Sophia blogs at The Introvert's Corner on PsychologyToday.com as well as on the travel site Flyover America with her friend Jenna Schnuer and she reviews fitness DVDs on Suit Up and Show Up. If that's not enough of her, there's more on www.SophiaDembling.com/
Have a question about female friendships? Send it to The Friendship Doctor.
Irene S. Levine, PhD is a freelance journalist and author. She holds an appointment as a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. Her new book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, was recently published by Overlook Press. She also blogs about female friendships at The Friendship Blog and at href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor">PsychologyToday.com.
Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
-Vermont Proverb
Introverts unite!
We DO keep friends on a deeper level & losing them is like a death in the family.
We believe in "quality over quantity."
You won't find us making vapid remarks on EVERY Face-book post on our Walls.
We are great listeners.
(Luckily, I can tolerate most parties. Just have to find a few guests for a good one-on-one.)
Phone calls use up so much less of one's very limited ability to enjoy social contact than something like committing to a lunch date, going to a restaurant teeming with people and their chatter, and being stuck there whether or not one is enjoying it. It's easier to cut off a phone call, and it doesn't involve as much contact or interaction or the risk of third or even fourth parties barging in, making it a dreaded party.
Most of the time, I can't think of any reason why one should actually see one's friends instead of just talking on the phone.
The title of the article seems to stigmatize introverts: Certainly YOU aren't introverted, gosh no, but here's some information about THOSE OTHER STRANGE PEOPLE who are introverts.
Umm, sorry, but that statement seems weirder than anything Dembling said. Or maybe you missed all the comments where other introverts acknowledged having particular issues with the phone?
the "extroverted" men. They look at someone like me and think I'm mysterious and
fascinating. I look at them as entertaining and comforting...meaning they'll always
willingly shoulder the burden of the "social scene" for you.
Also..when you want to be alone, the extrovert has so many many friends and things
he can do, there is no time for him to stick around and stare at you all day wondering what's
wrong.
As an introvert I can tell you that I'm really hypersensitive to everything around me. I also have a good number of tabs open at all times.
Some are minimized because they are way in the background & some are always open.
My personal experince & observation has shown that there are far more of us than "them" but since we do not subscribe to the "in your face" approach, we tend to go unnoticed.
Great insight into the world of very excellent people.
:)
Like others posting here, I am not shy, but do well in the carefully chosen and infrequent social gatherings I attend. Then am overstimulated and may have trouble sleeping, needing time to recouperate. Oh Yes! All of this and more.............High School was excruciating for me. Then, and for many years following, I was repeatedly told I was "stuck up" and other descriptions to that effect.
I don't need or want a lot of friends, and have had many a negative, resentful attitude directed at me because I didn't want to come out and play (in adulthood). Also very familiar with the energy vampires someone mentioned here. Having learned to spot them, and I do think they spot us too... Avoid at all costs!
What about school? I know that for many introverts book & librearies are a sacared/safe haven. However my question is more about the school system & their aproach(what some refer to as "cookie-cutter" or "one-size-fits-all").
A poster mentioned a possible conection with ADHD. What say you?
What are your views on God, outside of your religious influence, if any?
Thank you so much for sharing.
GodYesOrNo.com
Introversion is fascinating and scientists are just starting to really study and understand it. Much of what we talk about so far is theoretical, now it's being explored in labs. I hope you also will visit my Psychology Today blog, The Introvert's Corner, where I am also talking to researchers about what they are learning. In a post there, I discuss the very important distinction between introversion and shyness. In an upcoming post, I will explain what one graduate student is suggesting about energy.
The more we know, the more easily we function and the more easily we can explain ourselves to others who may or may not get us. By the way, in her book about introversion, "Introvert Power," psychologist Laurie Helgoe lays out her argument that we are not, as we all believe, a minority in the United States but are actually a majority. We're just quiet about it. I also have an interview with Dr. Helgoe on the blog.
Oh, and yes ... I do know about vampires. Please check out my post on the PT blog "I Like People, Just Not All Of Them All The Time"
-- Sophia
Introversion is a little different. I was disappointed with a previous post that said introverts were the majority. I don't want to be in the majority, or to be "normal." I enjoy being different while at the same time feeling that somehow I'm inadequate because I am.
I, too, have always hated talking on the phone - I'm just not very good at it. Long silences stretch into uncomfortable territory where I feel that I must say something which just comes out sounding forced. At times I do have to explain to people that I'm not trying to be aloof or feel superior or angry, I just prefer to be alone with my own thoughts most of the time. I bring my lunch to work every day and prefer to eat alone. And I am very uncomfortable in large parties, especially where I don't know that majority of people. But even among family 8-10 members can be very stressful and I just can't keep up with any of the conversations, so I wind up sitting amongst the crowd and not participating in any of them.
But I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy my own company and love to be thoughtful and introspective as well.