The Inside Scoop on Your Introvert Friends

I've never met Sophia Dembling in person but consider her a friend of sorts. We met as members of one or another online writer communities that we both frequent because we have so many overlapping interests. She lives in Texas but her roots are pure New York. I love her sense of humor and her refreshing candor.

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, women described what it was like to meet a close friend. "We just clicked," was the most common phrase they used. You can say that Sophia and I clicked, both literally and figuratively. Another thing we seem to have in common is that we consider ourselves introverts.

I asked Sophia to write a guest post on the topic of friendship among introverts. Feel free to post your own feelings about introversion at the end of this thread.

Sophia Speaks about friendship and introverts...

Losing friends can be particularly difficult for introverts because we don't surround ourselves with people. We prefer a few intimate friends to lots of less-intense friendships, and deep discussion with one person to a party full of festive chitchat. For us, losing one good friend can leave a larger hole in our lives than it might for an extrovert with 25 best friends.

Attrition in my friendships in recent years has forced me to think about what I most need and want in my friends. Among other things, and like all of us, I want my friends to understand me. But first, of course, that entails understanding myself. Writing and talking to people about introversion has helped me gain insight into my own behavior and what extroverts might want to know about their introverted friends.

It's all about energy: What appears to be the bottom-line difference between introverts and extroverts is that social interactions are energizing to extroverts but draining for introverts. This is why I might come to your party but leave long before the conga line starts. And why a stretch of interaction then requires a few days of solitude to recover. If you understand this, you will have grasped a key quality of your introverted friends and their perhaps puzzling behavior (why didn't she come to the after-hours party?) will make more sense.

I don't need to come out of my shell: A huge misconception about introverts is that we're all shy. Nope, not the same thing. One can be introverted and shy, or introverted and not shy. (Same with extroversion.) I'm not shy. When I'm in the mood to socialize, I'm perfectly friendly and outgoing. When I'm reluctant to socialize, it's choice, not fear. So if I decline an invitation, please don't push or insist it will be good for me. I have my reasons and they're valid. (At the same time, I promise not to say "no thanks" too often.)

The more is not the merrier: Not for me, anyway. If we make plans, please, please don't invite other people to join us-at the very least, check with me first. Introverts usually prefer one-on-one to groups and I'm bummed when the nice cozy visit I anticipated turns into a convivial racket. I'm sure your friends are wonderful people, just don't spring them on me and please don't be offended if I decline invitations to group outings. (Although I do believe that friends attend friends' parties. It's the right thing to do and if you throw one, I will come.)

Anything but the telephone: I have one friend who likes to call "just to hear my voice." Very sweet of her but I wish she would invite me to lunch instead. (Yes, of course I invite her; I usually initiate our get-togethers.) Like many introverts, I loathe the telephone. For one thing, we tend to think and respond slowly, and dead air on the telephone doesn't work. I'm awkward on the phone, especially when just-to-chat calls drop on me from out of the blue. And I feel bad that the other person can always sense my yearning to break free. But really, it's not you, it's the phone. Don't take it personally. (I do talk on the phone, sometimes for hours, with far-flung friends. However, I like to either schedule those calls or initiate them so I don't feel ambushed. I often screen my calls and return them when I feel up to it.)

Yes, I like online communication: Don't give me grief: The Internet is a godsend for introverts. Not as a replacement for face-to-face, no no!, but to stay connected between visits and take care of business (making plans, for example) without obligatory and tedious phone chitchat. Want to make me happy? Set up a get-together via e-mail. (I don't text or IM much, but many introverts like those, too.) I'm also a fan of social networking-a Facebook extrovert. I'm not a loner in my parents' basement with lots of virtual friends and no "real" ones. My Facebook friends are mostly real-life friends, many of whom are far away. I love being able to kibitz with them anytime online. (Of course, as a writer, I also spend a lot of time in front of a computer.) If you're not a fan of Facebook, that's fine. Just don't hassle me about it, OK?

Sophia blogs at The Introvert's Corner on PsychologyToday.com as well as on the travel site Flyover America with her friend Jenna Schnuer and she reviews fitness DVDs on Suit Up and Show Up. If that's not enough of her, there's more on www.SophiaDembling.com/

Have a question about female friendships? Send it to The Friendship Doctor.

Irene S. Levine, PhD is a freelance journalist and author. She holds an appointment as a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. Her new book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, was recently published by Overlook Press. She also blogs about female friendships at The Friendship Blog and at href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor">PsychologyToday.com.

 

Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine

Comments

[notadumbblonde]

We are introverts, therefore:

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
-Vermont Proverb

[Elyriaohio]

Thank you,
Introverts unite!
We DO keep friends on a deeper level & losing them is like a death in the family.
We believe in "quality over quantity."
You won't find us making vapid remarks on EVERY Face-book post on our Walls.
We are great listeners.
(Luckily, I can tolerate most parties. Just have to find a few guests for a good one-on-one.)

[gracie99]

I'm suspicious of Sophea Dembling's introvert credentials. It seems just plain weird that she'd rather be invited for lunch than talk on the phone!

Phone calls use up so much less of one's very limited ability to enjoy social contact than something like committing to a lunch date, going to a restaurant teeming with people and their chatter, and being stuck there whether or not one is enjoying it. It's easier to cut off a phone call, and it doesn't involve as much contact or interaction or the risk of third or even fourth parties barging in, making it a dreaded party.

Most of the time, I can't think of any reason why one should actually see one's friends instead of just talking on the phone.

The title of the article seems to stigmatize introverts: Certainly YOU aren't introverted, gosh no, but here's some information about THOSE OTHER STRANGE PEOPLE who are introverts.

[Pennsylvanianne]

"Another thing we have in common is that we are both introverts." The author herself is an introvert, as is the friend who was the main source. I don't think the headline stigmatized introverts but indicated the story would help others who aren't introverts to understand them.

[JennMostrom]

"Most of the time, I can't think of any reason why one should actually see one's friends instead of just talking on the phone."

Umm, sorry, but that statement seems weirder than anything Dembling said. Or maybe you missed all the comments where other introverts acknowledged having particular issues with the phone?

[rumpel2]

Obviously you are not an introvert, otherwise you would know that everything Sophia Dembling says about the introvert's disdain for phones is absolutely true. You have to be one to understand one.

[Ohsherri]

When it comes to my love life (as a fellow introvert), I find I have always attracted
the "extroverted" men. They look at someone like me and think I'm mysterious and
fascinating. I look at them as entertaining and comforting­...meaning they'll always
willingly shoulder the burden of the "social scene" for you.
Also..when you want to be alone, the extrovert has so many many friends and things
he can do, there is no time for him to stick around and stare at you all day wondering what's
wrong.

[aksusan]

Yes, Yes yes! Thanks to you all. The phone, the chit chat, the large groups of people, which to me is anything over three. The need to be alone to recharge. For years, and sometimes still, being greeted by a salesperson or cashier with that totally inane and automatic remark, "Hi, How are you today" caused such anxiety that I I know I came across as rude in the larger society's definition. I have learned, slowly and with great effort and lots of anxiety, that small talk can be actually helpful and at times even soothing. I can put my mouth on automatic and disengage most of my mind. But then I get nervous about how to end it and often just blah blah blah or make what I consider an awkward comment that effectively ends the conversation. The ADHD idea is intriguing: a friend observed that I have a 'ping pong mind" as he self describes also. I think we introverts are very comfortable being in our own minds and enjoy the interior journey wherever and whenever it takes us. This can be labeled as ADHD, though I don't know if it is. It is hard to make friends not because I am or want to be emotionally unavailable but because a friendship is a deep and total commitment.

[GodYesOrNo]

You are absolutely right & there is nothing wrong with you.
As an introvert I can tell you that I'm really hypersensitive to everything around me. I also have a good number of tabs open at all times.
Some are minimized because they are way in the background & some are always open.

[azatrox]

Great article. I fall into the "introverted and shy" group, so just the thought of going to a big party can start panic feelings, yet I love small parties with close friends. Ironically, I am an educator and put on a decent facade of being out-going to my students and colleagues, although the stress of acting like I'm an out-going person exhausts me by the end of each day. Probably not too good for my health to be going through that kind of stress.

[GodYesOrNo]

Isn't it amazing how a group of individuals who have a difficult time making eye contact can become masters of disguise & end-up holding positions that require grabing, holding & directing people's attentions to themselves?

My personal experince & observation has shown that there are far more of us than "them" but since we do not subscribe to the "in your face" approach, we tend to go unnoticed.

[sdtexnyc]

Interestingly, I can speak in public fairly easily. In a way, I shut down the "interaction" part of my brain and can simply ride along on the "performance" part, which I find somewhat less taxing. Like you, I am exhausted by the end of the experience, but I don't fear it and I am not bad at it. (Which is way I have figured out that I'm not shy.) I think that's also how I get through parties and group events in which I feel it's important to not retreat. I put on what I call my "dog-and-pony show." It's kind of like stepping outside of myself to get through it. I suppose that's my version of acting extroverted.

[Ohsherri]

Great post!
Great insight into the world of very excellent people.
:)

[garbs]

I'm with all of you. Especially the phone item. It is so difficult for me to chat, but even more so to call others. It feels like the intrusion that I feel the other way around. I love parties, but when it gets overwhelming I shut-down too. My husband is a more outgoing person and is a talker, so I get to fade away while he is conversing. Then it does not seem to be so obvious to others that I've just faded away, he's just taken over.

[SirenForSanity]

I can absolutely relate to the guilt when others sense I want off the phone. And the more they sense this it seems the more determined they become to stay on the phone. Puzzles me because I have repeatedly explained to each of the callers at some point my disdain for the phone.... :-/

[sdtexnyc]

I have a friend who thinks it's funny to try and keep me on the phone as long as possible. Ha ha.

[SirenForSanity]

One of my friends made a rule (when he makes rules he is very offended if his friends don't comply--like with his rule that everybody else has A birthday and he has birthday week.. If he is the one who calls then he MUST be the one to conclude the call.

[arabianway]

This is the first post I've read today on Huffpo, no coincidence! I once asked my Mom what I was like as a little girl and she said, "Well, you were a quiet little thing honey." I still am. Somewhere around the age of 12, I spent the entire summer in the big, cool, stone library reading. I don't remember wondering at all what the other kids were doing.

Like others posting here, I am not shy, but do well in the carefully chosen and infrequent social gatherings I attend. Then am overstimulated and may have trouble sleeping, needing time to recouperate. Oh Yes! All of this and more......­.......Hig­h School was excruciating for me. Then, and for many years following, I was repeatedly told I was "stuck up" and other descriptions to that effect.

I don't need or want a lot of friends, and have had many a negative, resentful attitude directed at me because I didn't want to come out and play (in adulthood). Also very familiar with the energy vampires someone mentioned here. Having learned to spot them, and I do think they spot us too... Avoid at all costs!

[GodYesOrNo]

Part II;
What about school? I know that for many introverts book & librearies are a sacared/safe haven. However my question is more about the school system & their aproach(what some refer to as "cookie-cutter" or "one-size-­fits-all")­.
A poster mentioned a possible conection with ADHD. What say you?
What are your views on God, outside of your religious influence, if any?
Thank you so much for sharing.

GodYesOrNo.com

[worldviewer]

omg i love this article and comments section. my fav one on HP

[sdtexnyc]

Gosh, sorry to be so late to this introvert party but I love seeing so many of "our kind" here!

Introversion is fascinating and scientists are just starting to really study and understand it. Much of what we talk about so far is theoretical, now it's being explored in labs. I hope you also will visit my Psychology Today blog, The Introvert's Corner, where I am also talking to researchers about what they are learning. In a post there, I discuss the very important distinction between introversion and shyness. In an upcoming post, I will explain what one graduate student is suggesting about energy.

The more we know, the more easily we function and the more easily we can explain ourselves to others who may or may not get us. By the way, in her book about introversion, "Introvert Power," psychologist Laurie Helgoe lays out her argument that we are not, as we all believe, a minority in the United States but are actually a majority. We're just quiet about it. I also have an interview with Dr. Helgoe on the blog.

Oh, and yes ... I do know about vampires. Please check out my post on the PT blog "I Like People, Just Not All Of Them All The Time"

-- Sophia

[Heauxbeaux]

Sophia, could you provide me to a link to your blogs? I let my Psychology Today subscription lapse 30 years ago and I often find I miss the assurance that whatever it is I'm feeling at the moment that I'm not alone.

Introversion is a little different. I was disappointed with a previous post that said introverts were the majority. I don't want to be in the majority, or to be "normal." I enjoy being different while at the same time feeling that somehow I'm inadequate because I am.

I, too, have always hated talking on the phone - I'm just not very good at it. Long silences stretch into uncomfortable territory where I feel that I must say something which just comes out sounding forced. At times I do have to explain to people that I'm not trying to be aloof or feel superior or angry, I just prefer to be alone with my own thoughts most of the time. I bring my lunch to work every day and prefer to eat alone. And I am very uncomfortable in large parties, especially where I don't know that majority of people. But even among family 8-10 members can be very stressful and I just can't keep up with any of the conversations, so I wind up sitting amongst the crowd and not participating in any of them.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy my own company and love to be thoughtful and introspective as well.

[SirenForSanity]

Yes, please provide a link. You mentioned energy and I hope you mean in terms of introverted people being sensitive other people's energy. I would be especially interested in what the graduate student has to say.

[wellingtonian]

Yep that's me alright. This explains why all my extroverted friends at highschool nicknamed me Grandma. I also did a lot of baking which probably didn't help.

[GodYesOrNo]

Would you be willing to take part in a survey conducted by another fellow introvert?

[moonmaiden76]

I would, only if the survey is about being introverted.

[Badger84]

Sadly, our society--and particularly the media--loves extroverts. The dimmer, the louder, the more bombastic, the more inflated the ego, the better. Introverts value intelligence, substance and quiet confidence. They are not looking for their 15 minutes.

[GodYesOrNo]

Would you be willing to take part in a survey conducted by another fellow introvert?

[Avrilon]

I agree. For the media, the more crass it is the more they like it. It offends my sensibilities!