The Seven-Year Expiration Date on Friendships

It's always exhilarating to make a close friend -- a soul mate -- someone you understand and who makes you feel understood. When this happens, it feels like the bond will last a lifetime. Yet most friendships, even the best of them, don't last forever.

Recent research by Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst at Utrecht University confirms that the large majority of friendships tend to be fleeting. He found that both the friends we make and the ones we keep are more likely to be determined by opportunity rather than personal preferences. Many relationships fall apart because people no longer have the opportunity to be together in the same context, e.g. a school, an office or a neighborhood.

The sociologist surveyed 1007 men and women between the ages of 18 and 65 years and was able to re-interview 604 of them seven years later. Over that time, the size of an individual's social network remained strikingly stable (in terms of numbers) but there was a lot of turnover: New friends replaced old ones and only thirty percent of the original friendships remained. The influence of social context (where they met) on longevity was remarkably similar for friends and acquaintances -- irrespective of the closeness of the relationship.

One implication: If a friendship is meaningful, it needs to be nurtured.

Do most of your relationships have a shelf life?

Source: Press Release, Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research, May 27, 2009

Irene S. Levine, PhD is a freelance journalist and author. She holds an appointment as a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine and is working on a book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Break-up With Your Best Friend, that will be published by Overlook Press in September, 2009. She recently co-authored Schizophrenia for Dummies (Wiley, 2008). She also blogs about female friendships at The Friendship Blog.

Comments

[cbaita]

What a great post! I do know what you mean about friends. I have had a few friends that I still think about and wonder how they are doing but we have changed jobs or locations and just do not get in that call or visit.

I have some other friends from school that I still consider my friends and see them when I get back home. I also have some friends that I haven't seen in 17 years that I "re-found" on FB and have been talking to regularly. I was even able to post some pics from H.S. on FB. I hope to see them again soon when I can get to their city. Even the girl in the Dominican Republic!

[Dr. Irene S. Levine - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Cbaita:

There is also some data from the UK showing that on average, a person retains only about 12 of the average 396 friends he/she makes over a lifetime.

It makes me realize that I really need to nurture the relationships that are really meaningful to me so they "stick."

I'm glad you liked this post and have had success reconnecting with friends on Facebook. Technology certainly makes it easier to do that.

Best,
Irene

Warm regards,
Irene

[MotherWarrior]

My friendships have defied the odds. Most of my friends have lasted longer than 7 years. However, I don't think I'm making new friendships fast enough. Is there a saturation point beyond which you can't sustain any more friends?

[jaris]

I agree that friendships need nourishing. I still maintain friendships with a select few of my friends from high school 40 yrs hence...I guess we've stood the test of time--continue to care about each other, keep in touch several times a year by email or phone and see one another every 5 years or so (we live in different states). Since high school, my close friendships have developed as a matter of circumstance and blossomed due to common interests and mindsets...ex-pats thrown together in a foreign country or being pregnant at the same time and raising our children in a common town. Even though these friendships are separated by miles, we make the continued effort -- like old married people we share a common history. Twelve years ago, I moved to a big city, and though I have many friends I have no really close friends (other than my husband) and I miss having that type of relationship in proximity to where I am now. It seems other women my age have their established friends or are too busy to make the effort.