For the Fourth Time, Yes I Do

Last month I got married for the 4th time. To the same person. And we've never been divorced.

When my partner Angela and I tied the knot in late September, we became one of the more than 11,000 same-sex couples to be married since the California Supreme Court ruled same-sex marriages legal. But this wasn't the first time we had expressed our commitment publicly.

The Bride Wore a T-Shirt. The first time, we became domestic partners. That was in 2001, a year after we met. We were deeply in love and planning a formal (though legally unrecognized) wedding for the fall of 2002. But when we came upon a domestic partner registration booth at the Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco, we jumped at the chance to cement our relationship right away. Our witness? A beaming member of Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFFLAG) staffing the booth. I look back at the Polaroid photo he took that day, and my first thought is how young and thin we were. Thanks to California's first domestic partnership law, passed in 1999, if I got sick, Angela could visit me in the hospital, but we had few other rights.

Our Enchanted Evening. The second time we exchanged vows was in 2002, under a majestic redwood tree on a warm fall afternoon in Sonoma. We had 85 guests and 5 bridesmaids in matching dresses; our parents walked us down the aisle while a harpist played Canon in D. I wore a white wedding dress with a princess waist and intricate pearl inlays, while Angela wore a tux. We registered for 12 place settings, a weed whacker and a soldering iron. We promised to be each other's partners in love and in life. And then we danced all night. This was our "real" wedding, but legally, we were in exactly the same place. The state legislature had added various domestic partner benefits in 2001 and 2002, so we did have the right to sue for wrongful death and to inherit a portion of each other's separate property. Lovely.

Our Shotgun Wedding. The third time was "for real." A call came from our (straight) friend Josh early in the morning of February 13, 2004. "They're marrying same-sex couples at City Hall!" By 3pm, we had begged off early from work to dash into San Francisco. We agreed to meet up on BART -- "okay I'll be on the 1st train...." Angela stuck her head out of the train car and I lept to join her. We wore our everyday clothes, though Angela had managed to dash home and grab me a "Bride" ball cap left over from my bachelorette party in 2002. I was five weeks pregnant at the time with our first child. We told everyone in line our news, joking that our child would one day look at the date on the marriage certificate and say "wait a minute...." We were excited, jubilant, walking on air. We were legally married! But we were also in legal limbo, because our marriage was immediately contested. While a state law passed in 2003 had granted us not just rights but responsibilities, such as taking on each other's debt and going through divorce proceedings if we broke up, our 2004 marriage was about so much more than legal minutia. It was about love, and acceptance, and celebration. What marriage should be about. But seven months later, it was ruled invalid.

This time, for Keeps? Finally, just last month, on the 6th anniversary of our Sonoma wedding, surrounded by 40 friends and their 20 kids in our backyard, with tables and chairs borrowed from neighbors, we tied the knot. Again. Legally this time, thanks to the California Supreme Court ruling last May that same-sex marriages are constitutional. I wore a new black and cream-colored dress and borrowed high heels; Angela, a beautiful maroon shirt and tie. As I primped before our wedding (but oh, how different primping is when it's your own home and you have an almost-four year old and all your friends are busy with their own kids), Angela looked at me and with all seriousness said, "we're a lot older now." And indeed, I felt like I'd been around the block a few times. Perhaps the best feature was our daughter Norrie, thrilled beyond words to be a flower girl at her parents' wedding ("were you a flower girl at your parents' wedding?" she asked me a couple days before).

But our honeymoon was brief. Because shortly after we got married, the proponents of Proposition 8 -- the California initiative that would write discrimination against same-sex couples into the constitution, which will be voted on this Tuesday, November 4 -- unleashed a torrent of negative ads. The worst was an ad that sought to frighten parents by telling us that our children will be taught about same-sex marriage in schools. They used the Massachusetts case of a couple who objected to their son taking home the book King and King, about two princes getting married. The painful irony for us is that the Friday before our wedding, Norrie's preschool teacher held a special celebration for us. She read the kids King and King, then presented us with paper flowers decorated by all Norrie's classmates. My daughter, most excited that she had helped us pick out matching paper plates and cups for the wedding, brought in samples for her classmates. We felt loved, accepted, and indeed, celebrated -- and our daughter did too. That day, I vowed to do everything in my power to ensure that the rest of her school experiences are as wonderful and accepting.

You may ask, What's the big deal? Some people argue that California law at this point gives us most of the rights and responsibilities of opposite-sex couples. What's so bad, then, about Prop. 8? My answer: If the history of our marriage shows us anything, it's that piecemeal rights do not suffice. Having only some of the rights of straight married couples leaves our legal relationship insecure and open to interpretation. And interpretation. And interpretation. In fact, I've come to realize that one of the benefits of married life is not having to consider who would be able to visit me in the hospital, who would inherit the house, whose name is on the life insurance policy. Marriage delivers the whole package, and allows a family to move on and live their lives.

When we decided to take the plunge yet again last month, we had no idea how fierce the battle would become. We had no idea proponents of Prop. 8 would pull out all the stops, using hateful (and completely spurious) arguments against teaching same-sex marriage in schools to turn voters against our right to equality. I'm glad we didn't know. But now we do. So now we wait. And fundraise. And hold signs.

I suppose there's a small silver lining in all this repeated marrying. By standing up to declare our love again and again, we haven't been able to slip too far into the everyday routine of married life. We can't take anything for granted. We have been asked again and again to prove our commitment to each other. In so doing, we choose each other anew each time.

But I look forward to the day when our marriage is allowed to withstand the test of time -- when we, like any other committed couple, can be celebrated, accepted, and honored as we take the plunge once, and then move on.

Comments

[slmv]

I hope the fourth time is the charm. And that little Norrie will indeed know how much her mommies love her and each other times FOUR. My power of intention is on full frequency today...

[TamaraB]

Thank you for your beautiful and heartfelt description of your road to marriage, Isobel. No matter what happens tomorrow, I believe that truth and justice will win out over ignorance and discrimination. It might take awhile, but let's keep supporting each other and the institution of loving commitment.
Tamara

[shilomc]

My partner of 10 years and I both, I'm now sorry to say, used to think civil unions were fine...
Sure, we thought we should have the right to marry, but we weren't adamant about it. Then we had our son, and I started to realize that it just might matter to him. Children have so much to deal with as they grow. I didn't want him to have the added issue of his parents not being able to marry. So, last month we got married at SF city hall. It was supposed to be a small affair.. which got bigger. Before we knew it we were wearing white, our parents were there, I was wearing my grandmother's necklace. We spoke simple but profound vows and the marriage commissioner pronounced us spouses for life. As she was hugging us she said "well, you're legally married!" with a smile in her eye. She could tell that marriage mattered. Our son, the ring bearer, was so excited that he started jumping up and down and clapping "we married! we married!" his words echoed through the rotunda. He could tell that marriage mattered. Our moms were both in tears, they knew marriage mattered. My conservative, dad has since vowed to vote no on prop 8, he knows it matters. And WE know.. it's hard to really explain, but after 10 years together, 5 years as domestic partners, and becoming parents being married mattered. Separate but equal is not equal. It's just not.

[KimGould]

It made me cry, reading this. My partner and I have no access to any legal rights re marriage, but we've been married many times, at the weddings of others when we allow ourselves to feel that it's as much for us as them, at group protest weddings, and in a shop standing at the counter where we had just bought ourselves matching rings. The shop assistant adored it! At the base of it all, not one of us needs the law to know how we feel about each other and there is nothing that can prevent the love we experience in our lives when we live them true to ourselves.

[jccw]

The anti-same-­sex-marria­ge forces have gone into remission here in Massachusetts. I understand that they can't have another go at a Constitutional amendment until 2012, and I have to think that it will be a totally dead issue by then (if it isn't already). There have been about 10, 000 same-sex marriages here in the 4+ years since it became legal; California has already passed that in 4+ months!

[KGM NoCalifornia]

A friend and his wife from Oregon forwarded the link to this Post, along with their best wishes for a defeat of Prop 8. They said it reminded them of my wife and I.
I have also married the same person four times with a couple of changes in sequence. Our first was a Holy Union, our second a Registered Domestic Partnership, our third also in San Francisco (9 hours spent in line... less than many had to wait), and our most recent (and hopefully last) on Oct 23 which was the 24th anniversary of our relationship. We plan to celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary and our 25th (silver) anniversary on the same day.... on a lanai in Hawaii.
I truly find it confusing that so many people are fighting so hard against our relationship. Where are the picketers, rallies, and television ads against turning marriage into a game show? I sincerely hope that people will realize that Prop 8 is about discrimination, not marriage and vote against it.

[LeftRight]

First, congratulations to both you and yours, AND Isobel and hers!

Second, I PRAY that California ignores those who preach hate!!!

Third, you mention those who are not protesting against marriage TV shows (who will often protest ANYTHING even midly sexual, while ignoring TONS of violence!!!), but you fail to mention those who are not protesting the 50% divorce rate in this country! I'm not opposed to divorce, sometimes it's the only option left, but to claim that Gay Marriage will destroy so-called traditional marriage, while ignoring the one thing that shows it's not too healthy anyways..........