Palin To Skip Debate To Deal With Bake Sale Crisis (humor)

10/31/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

In yet another stunning turn of events that has the political world on its heels, Thursday night's Vice Presidential debate may be cancelled.

Here is the story straight off the wire. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that it was completely made up by myself and a guy I went to college with named Brian Muchinsky in a quick exchange of emails today.

Sarah Palin suspends campaign, returns to Wasilla to address pending bake sale crisis

by Brian Muchinsky, AP Staff writer

Washington, D.C. - (AP)

Sarah Palin has announced that, effective immediately, she is suspending her campaign and returning to Wasilla to address a disastrous shortage of brownies and other treats for Friday's elementary school bake sale of her 12 year old son, Stapler.

She has called on Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden to do the same, even offering him a recipe for lemon bars that could "save the sale from almost certain economic ruin." A spokesman for Senator Biden's campaign said that an official statement was forthcoming, as the Democratic VP nominee wants to craft the perfect gaffe for this occasion.

On the campaign trail in Ohio, Republican Presidential nominee McCain had this to say on the issue: "I'm a maverick."

Palin's lemon bars are famous in her home state - the Anchorage Daily News have called them the "single most important achievement of her political career." Conservatives and Liberals alike say that they are delicious, yet not without controversy. The recipe itself once again calls into question Palin's extreme beliefs as it calls for:

4 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup lemon juice
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
Grated lemon rind
2 tears from Jesus Christ

When asked where she got the recipe, Governor Palin said that her grandmother gave it to her, and that it's been handed down for generations. Prior to that, Palin says that, "One of my ancestors got it from a friend of the family - a dinosaur named Reggie." The recipe itself is believed (by Palin) to only be a couple thousand years old.

Palin has also drawn fire for her statements that lemon bars are a contraceptive device, one that she's used often since her early twenties and something she's started giving to her own children. It is believed that Palin may have misunderstood a joke that lemon bars work as "morally acceptable contraception," not realizing that it's because they make you fat.

Governor Palin has suggested that a candidate's desserts be off-limits during the campaign, and would not comment on the story that broke last week that claims her Baked Alaska Secession is no longer served in the Palin household (openly).

A Palin campaign spokesman told reporters that the bold and patriotic step of suspending her campaign would preclude her from attending Thursday night's debate, where she looked forward to debating Supreme Court cases such as Roe v. Wade and .................................... ..............other ones. Governor Palin has said that she would be happy to resume the debate once the confectionary crisis was resolved and Wasilla Elementary had the necessary funding for its new state-of-the-art jungle gym, including the Monkey Bars To Nowhere, which will cost taxpayers $647 million dollars. Palin strongly supports the Monkey Bars. Palin also strongly opposes them. As for when her campaign would resume, she said that she would have to get back to us.

At a hastily put-together meeting with reporters, Palin says that she made her bold choice in an attempt to rise above politics "for the baked good of the nation." She then smiled at her own joke and literally ran away from reporters. Sean Hannity called it "the bravest press conference I've ever seen." Campaign insiders said that she wrote the line herself in just two week's time and wanted to remind voters how "folksy" she was.

Governor Palin, currently en route back to Alaska, is expected to arrive sometime in the early afternoon, assuming all of the Secret Service dogs currently pulling her sled live through the trip.