Palin To Skip Debate To Deal With Bake Sale Crisis (humor)

In yet another stunning turn of events that has the political world on its heels, Thursday night's Vice Presidential debate may be cancelled.

Here is the story straight off the wire. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that it was completely made up by myself and a guy I went to college with named Brian Muchinsky in a quick exchange of emails today.

Sarah Palin suspends campaign, returns to Wasilla to address pending bake sale crisis
by Brian Muchinsky, AP Staff writer

Washington, D.C. - (AP)

Sarah Palin has announced that, effective immediately, she is suspending her campaign and returning to Wasilla to address a disastrous shortage of brownies and other treats for Friday's elementary school bake sale of her 12 year old son, Stapler.

She has called on Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden to do the same, even offering him a recipe for lemon bars that could "save the sale from almost certain economic ruin." A spokesman for Senator Biden's campaign said that an official statement was forthcoming, as the Democratic VP nominee wants to craft the perfect gaffe for this occasion.

On the campaign trail in Ohio, Republican Presidential nominee McCain had this to say on the issue: "I'm a maverick."

Palin's lemon bars are famous in her home state - the Anchorage Daily News have called them the "single most important achievement of her political career." Conservatives and Liberals alike say that they are delicious, yet not without controversy. The recipe itself once again calls into question Palin's extreme beliefs as it calls for:

4 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup lemon juice
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
Grated lemon rind
2 tears from Jesus Christ

When asked where she got the recipe, Governor Palin said that her grandmother gave it to her, and that it's been handed down for generations. Prior to that, Palin says that, "One of my ancestors got it from a friend of the family - a dinosaur named Reggie." The recipe itself is believed (by Palin) to only be a couple thousand years old.

Palin has also drawn fire for her statements that lemon bars are a contraceptive device, one that she's used often since her early twenties and something she's started giving to her own children. It is believed that Palin may have misunderstood a joke that lemon bars work as "morally acceptable contraception," not realizing that it's because they make you fat.

Governor Palin has suggested that a candidate's desserts be off-limits during the campaign, and would not comment on the story that broke last week that claims her Baked Alaska Secession is no longer served in the Palin household (openly).

A Palin campaign spokesman told reporters that the bold and patriotic step of suspending her campaign would preclude her from attending Thursday night's debate, where she looked forward to debating Supreme Court cases such as Roe v. Wade and .................................... ..............other ones. Governor Palin has said that she would be happy to resume the debate once the confectionary crisis was resolved and Wasilla Elementary had the necessary funding for its new state-of-the-art jungle gym, including the Monkey Bars To Nowhere, which will cost taxpayers $647 million dollars. Palin strongly supports the Monkey Bars. Palin also strongly opposes them. As for when her campaign would resume, she said that she would have to get back to us.

At a hastily put-together meeting with reporters, Palin says that she made her bold choice in an attempt to rise above politics "for the baked good of the nation." She then smiled at her own joke and literally ran away from reporters. Sean Hannity called it "the bravest press conference I've ever seen." Campaign insiders said that she wrote the line herself in just two week's time and wanted to remind voters how "folksy" she was.

Governor Palin, currently en route back to Alaska, is expected to arrive sometime in the early afternoon, assuming all of the Secret Service dogs currently pulling her sled live through the trip.

END

Comments

[naturilady]

I love the mental pause on paper, it lends to the gravity of this poor individual's lack of intelligence. This piece lacked none, and I just wanted to say, yet again, made me laugh. Brilliant!

[lucydog02]

I'll admit, I am usually one who can get pretty easily "offended" , but I found nothing sexist or offensive in here, just humor. This is a lampoon, and bake sales and brownies are a vehicle to get to the jokes. I was laughing pretty hard; as in all well-written satire, behind the very funny jokes there was much truth, which, I agree with other posters, is a little nauseating. But all in all, you can have your opinion of course, but it's really not sexist by this feminist woman's view point. I'm all for anything is fair game in comedy, and I would say Tina Fey would have my back on that one.

[uflbri]

If "bake sale" isn't an appropriate way to convey what a lightweight she is, what is appropriate? Let's get a consensus from the most sensitive female in the world and then all use it. What laudable, non-baking projects to "hockey moms" participate in? Let's sort it out for satirists everywhere, so none of them accidentally raise money for McCain. We can't have that.

[cleverconnections]

I believe that as a self described Hockey Mom, Bakesale as fund raisier is appropriate. If Joe Biden went around talking about being a Scout Master then there might be fireworks stand jokes.

The Jesus Tears don't mock Jesus, they mock so-called Chrisitans who would be offend by the comment.

Nice work B!

[uflbri]

It might be sexist, if she didn't hold herself out as a "hockey mom." So it's not. George W. Bush is mocked equally, for equal incompetence. If this is sexist, Tina Fey is sexist. If you think Tina Fey is sexist...you don't understand what sexism is.

[JHarris]

Tina Fey is mimicking Palin in the setting of being a vice presidential nominee. She is not portraying Palin in a sexist way by showing her barefoot and pregnant or presiding over a bake sale crisis. Tina Fey gets it, which is why she is both funny and NOT sexist in her portrayal of Palin. I don't think you are going to see Tina Fey try any "humor" as backward and unfunny as this piece.

[JHarris]

My previous comment didn't seem to post so I'll try again here. Am I the only sane person here who thinks that joking that Palin is going to help with a bake sale crisis is extremely sexist? I could not agree MORE that the woman is clearly unqualified to be a Vice Presidental candidate. That is crystal clear to anyone who has been paying attention. She shouldn't be Vice President, clearly, but the woman is the Governor of a state and making the bake sale reference makes the author (and Huffingtonpost by association) small-minded and sexist. McCain's campaign loves this sort of "humor" piece and they use it very effectively to raise money! Why would you want to help them with that? Not only was this piece offensive it wasn't actually very funny either. Even people who despise Palin and all she stands for should still find the sexism on display here offensive. This was not a smart move.......and you thought Palin was dumb!

[Corbettpc]

If it weren't so sad it would be funny; This insult to the electorate that John McCain has perpetrated is simply NOT FUNNY. It will be a tragedy is somehow this pair should become elected and she should be sitting in the oval office, or even just serving as VP. SHE CANT EVEN NAME ONE SINGLE NAME OF A NEWSPAPER SHE READS!!! SHE CAN'T EVEN NAME ONE SINGLE SUPREME COURT DECISION EXCEPT ROVE V WADE.

[Coherent]

Your "ingredient" mocking Jesus was extremely uncalled for.

[aefulfio]

This is the funniest thing that I have read on the internet for the longest time. I laughed so hard that I almost cried a few times.
Thanks for brightening my day :)

ps. As a woman I guess that I don't find this so sexist because I don't like Palin. But I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion.

[hhkeller]

Seems like a sexist headline.
So 1950s

[darker]

that says it ALL about Sarah Palin and her running mate McCain.

Republicans proved they CANNOT GOVERN properly.
They're all about permanent campaigning and smoke & mirrors.
NO MORE YEARS. they don't deserve them.