The Next Eight Weeks

Now that the national conventions are over, our national political hibernation of the summer is finally over and the race to the White House is back in full swing. There's nothing like this season for a political wonk like myself. As the weather begins to cool you can start to notice that distinct smell of Midwestern and Southern voters preparing to vote against their own self interests. Ah, election season! Time to find out which candidate a majority of Americans want to have a beer with!

With interest in politics once again dominating everyone's attention, I thought it would be fun to take a look at what the next eight weeks leading up to November 4th will look like. Here now is a look into my crystal ball:

September 11th - Rudy Giuliani's bank account celebrates the anniversary of the greatest day of its life.

September 12th - Republicans who have been embroiled in gay sex scandals over the past four years hold a convention. Attendance rivals that of the gay-hating convention the week before.

September 12th - The Republicans Who Have Been Embroiled In Gay Sex Scandals formally nominate Ricky Martin as "handsome." Roll call is held by members tapping their right foot.

September 14th - Cindy McCain returns from another humanitarian visit to the country of Georgia. Among the tchotchkes she purchases on her trip: Georgia.

September 15th - Republican Joe Lieberman is given the Marcus Junius Brutus Award for Bravery by independent reporter Sean Hannity.

September 17th - John McCain and John Edwards meet for a civilized, bi-partisan dinner. They talk about the things they have in common, such as politics, life experiences, and an affinity for cheating on women with debilitating illnesses.

September 20th - Sarah Palin forces Willow, her 14 year-old daughter, to get pregnant to further cement her pro-life credentials.

September 21st - Sarah Palin rips the heart of a dead caribou from its ribcage with her bare hands, devouring it whole, and then skins the creature to wear its hide as a flesh-gown. Palin then goes hunting to relax.

September 26th - President Bush's approval rating sinks to a record-low 17%. Amazingly, Bush now has a lower approval rating than AIDS.

October 3rd - The piece of coal stored in Cindy's McCain's ass since February of this year produces a flawless 2 carat diamond.

October 6th - Another campaign gaffe for McCain as he confuses a debate stage with a slave auction and offers "ten grand for that tall one." He drops two points in the polls.

October 7th - The McCain campaign quickly releases an ad claiming Obama was seen jogging without wearing an American flag pin. Obama falls 7 points in the polls.

October 8th - John McCain makes announces that, if elected, he'll choose a "strong leader" as his Secretary of State: Johnny Happyseed, his invisible friend from the Hanoi Hilton. Republicans are "concerned."

October 9th - At a 5:00 fish fry, Senator McCain assures nervous Republicans that Johnny Happyseed supports a constitutional amendment banning late term abortions.

October 10th - Rush Limbaugh informs Republicans that they support Johnny Happyseed. Limbaugh also orders dinner for them.

October 11th - Sarah Palin takes her first question from the media. The question: "What do you feel like is a reasonable timetable for a withdrawal in Iraq?" Her answer: "I'm a hockey mom." Her approval rating goes up 3 points.

October 12th - Female Hillary supporters voting for McCain learn about the Arizona Senator's history, including his desire to keep their sons and daughters in Iraq, his near 30-year opposition to key women's rights issues, his vote against making Martin Luther King Day a national holiday, and his repeated infidelities during the late 70's. However, with the memory of an Obama supporter calling them a "mean name" still fresh in their heads, they remain steadfast in their support of McCain. They then fix a delicious dinner for their husbands.

October 13th - Campaigning for McCain in New Hampshire, Rudy Giuliani, a representative of a solid handful of Republicans across the nation, gives a rousing speech. He gives more speeches (one) than delegates he won during the primaries (zero).

October 14th - The McCain campaign is abuzz when, at a rally in Ohio in front of literally tens of people, a person under 50 shows up.

October 16th - Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain let the voters choose...which of them has a yummier cookie recipe! 18,000,000 cracks in the glass ceiling = a batch of oatmeal raisin clusters. Hooray!

October 17th - Members of the McCain campaign, afraid that President Bush will campaign on their behalf, send Bush to Disney World for two weeks of "research."

October 18th - President Bush rides on Space Mountain for a record 17th consecutive time and declares victory over the ride.

October 19th - President Bush awards the inventor of Fastpass, the ticketing system that allows Disney park-goers to avoid waiting in line, the "Congressional Medal of Awesome."

October 20th - McCain once again admits he doesn't know the difference between Sunnis and Shias. He covers by singing a funny song about how they all "blow up the same."

October 21st - Sarah Palin finally meets Piper, her 7 year-old daughter.

October 24th - Cindy McCain crushes Michelle Obama by more than 50 points in their fierce cookie competition. For some reason Obama's "Peanut Butter Almond Crunch Bars" are not as popular as McCains "Liberty Meringue Freedoms."

October 25th - The New York Times runs a front page photo of a black man holding a gun, clearly miserable to be where he is. Here's the question: Is it the obligatory uncomfortable photo-op of a Democratic presidential candidate pretending to hunt, or a typical photo from Iraq? The answer: It's...hey, American Idol's on! Who cares?

October 26th - Bump in the road for McCain campaign when John McCain forgets who the fuck he is.

October 27th - Documents are discovered in Alaska that show Sarah Palin does not believe in proven invention The Wheel. She feels it "spits in God's face."

October 28th - Reverend Jeremiah Wright re-emerges and says something inexplicably stupid and inflammatory, dooming Obama's chances in November. Gosh, it's almost like guys like this profit from racial divisiveness.

October 29th - Sarah Palin forces her son Track to "go gay" so she can prove that homosexuality is fixable.

November 1st - Osama bin Laden releases a carefully timed video tape where he threatens America. Osama is the Joker to the Republicans' Batman - where would one be without the other?

November 2nd - Republicans launch pro-Obama commercials in urban areas such as Atlanta, Georgia, and Washington D.C., praising the Senator as one of the greatest half-white politicians in America.

November 2nd - Republicans launch pro-Obama commercials in rural counties in Pennsylvania and Ohio, praising the Senator as a great black man with family in Africa and deep roots in the beautiful religion of Islam.

November 3rd - Hillary Clinton assures her supporters that should the unthinkable happen and Obama loses the next day's election, she'll selflessly be there for her party in 2012.

November 3rd - In a major speech in Michigan, Bill Clinton implores his audience to support Obama, saying, "In two days, head out to the polls and vote for Barack Obama."

November 4th - Election Day! The most exciting day of the year as Republicans finally unveil their newest method for disenfranchising voters (spoiler alert: voting machines in urban areas are not water-resistant).

November 4th - Who will win? Who will get the most votes? And who will become president? The diverse set of answers to these questions is in your hands, America. Go out and vote.

Comments

[naturilady]

Brilliant Jack. Just as funny as I remember =)

[1irishgirl]

Be careful Mr. Helmuth. I hear as soon as she gets Polar Bears removed from the endangered species list, the Marquis de Palin is going after you writers and free-speecher sonsabitches. If you hear any low-flying planes in your neighborhood - run! Run little fella, run! She's offering $150 for the bloody hand stump of any liberal bloggers who writes bad about her, her country, her God or her man! Oh and her kids, too. Right, them too.

[lucydog02]

Brilliant! Let's just hope that on November 5th, we can enjoy this simply for the great humor, not the prophetic value. One problem: Come on, I'm sure Sarah believes in the wheel; how else will the oil rigs barrel through protected pristine wilderness? It's just that she calls them God Circles. I shouldn't be mean to her; she's given birth.

[larry278]

I think that I'll go back to sleep till 1/22/09. I've had enough of this 2 year campaign for POTUS. But the next campaign for the nominations in 2012 may start on 1/22/09. That means back to sleep for me.