When it comes to coping with divorce, everyone does it in his or her own way. I've written blogs in the past about both good and bad behavior that men and women exhibit while going through a divorce, but what about self-talk?
Part of coping with divorce is sometimes telling ourselves things that will soothe our pain and anxiety, ease our fears and make us feel better about our situation, our decisions and our actions. Some self-talk is positive and will truly help in coping with divorce, but sometimes divorced people lie to themselves, which is never good. Here are 20 lies divorced people tell themselves, (and my response, of course).
1. I couldn't care less what happens to my ex. Yes, you could. You will always care until the day you die.
2. I hate when I'm not with my kids. You don't hate it all the time. Sometimes you welcome the break. Being alone offers reprieve from stress. Don't feel guilty if you enjoy your time without your kids. Doing nice things for yourself and having some life enjoyment that doesn't involve your kids makes you a better parent.
3. I don't want to meet anyone and I'm never getting married again. Yes, you do and yes, you might. You're saying this to protect yourself because you are afraid that you might never meet anyone. You wouldn't be human if you didn't care about finding love.
4. I know my ex will regret this someday. Not trying to be a jerk, but no, he or she probably won't. Accept it. It doesn't really matter.
5. When I was married, I was really happy or When I was married, I was really miserable. When you were married, you were both. You were happy at certain times, so don't be afraid to remember those times, and you were miserable for some of it (probably more towards the end). Remember that too. It will reinforce the necessity of the divorce.
6. Everyone knows the divorce was his/her fault. For as many people who are telling you it was your ex's fault, there are that many people telling him or her it was yours. Get over it. Who cares what people think!
7. My attorney really hates my ex. He or she has to say that because you are paying him or her.
8. Even if I could find a way, I'd never be interested in checking out my ex's profile on dating sites or on facebook. Of course you are curious. That's only natural. Just don't become a stalker or spend too much time on it. I think it's okay to take a sneak peek every once in a while.
9. I hate dating. No, you don't. You hate bad dates. Good dates make dating really, really fun!
10. The thought of having sex with my ex is repulsive. Hmm...I guess this one depends on the situation. If he abused you, or if she cheated on you, yes, it probably is. If he or she is the slightest bit nice to you, you might have moments when you remember how cute he or she was.
11. The thought of having sex with another man/woman is repulsive. Really? I don't think so. It just takes time. You will eventually meet or see some guy or girl who will make your heart stop and you will remember that you liked sex.
12. My kids are going to grow up and realize what my ex did to me. They probably will, but they will still love both their parents unconditionally, and that's actually a good thing.
13. I know how to stay away from dysfunctional relationships. When people get divorced, they are vulnerable to getting into bad relationships. I'm not judging. I did it. Just realize what the relationship is, and DON'T MARRY THE PERSON!
14. My life is really messed up, thanks to my ex. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fix your life yourself.
15. I love my new life. It's okay to say, "this sucks." We all know you aren't blissful at the moment. You WILL love your life. But it takes time.
16. If I could just meet someone, I know my life would fall into place. Reverse that. Work on your life, career, kids, hobbies, yourself. When that falls into place, you will meet someone.
17. My ex's girlfriend is hideous looking. She is not! She's adorable and you know it. That's okay. Did you expect your ex to date someone ugly?
18. My ex is really jealous of the guy I'm dating. Sorry. He just isn't. Why do you need him to be? You don't.
19. My wedding day was the best day of my life. No it wasn't. Otherwise, you'd still be married. Don't be afraid to see what you didn't see back then.
20. I don't care what other people think about me getting divorced. Yes, you do. But you shouldn't.
Jackie Pilossoph is the author of the blog, Divorced Girl Smiling She is also the author of the comedic novel, FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE about life after divorce. Ms. Pilossoph is a weekly business features reporter for the Pioneer Press, with the monthly column, "Heart of the North Shore." She lives in Chicago with her two kids. And she's divorced (obviously.)