07/04/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dick Cheney Wants Washington, DC to Emulate Baghdad

In the wake of today's landmark Supreme Court ruling overturning much of Washington, DC's ban on firearms, the Bush administration has announced that it is ordering all citizens of voting age to possess firearms as a preventive measure against possible terrorist attacks. The new program was announced shortly after the Court's decision by Vice President Dick Cheney. According to Cheney, a new armory will be opened at Fort Reno in upper Northwest Washington, where the government will distribute weaponry to eligible citizens. The administration was said to have divided on the issue with Attorney General Michael Mukasey voicing numerous reservations, but President Bush ultimately came down on Cheney's side. Veteran Washingtonians speculated that Bush, whose hostility to Washington is well-known, to the extent that he rarely even dines outside the White House, relished the chance to further snub it.

When questioned about his own marksmanship skills at a press conference this afternoon, Cheney stared sullenly at reporters and responded, "So?" Critics pounced on the location of the armory as a snub to the administration's foes since the Northwest area is home to mostly upper-class White liberals. Here Cheney apparently became somewhat more expansive, explaining that these were precisely the kinds of folk who needed to become acquainted with firearms in the event of a terrorist attack. Cheney further explained that he intends to transform part of the Naval Observatory, which houses the vice-president's official residence, into a shooting residence for locals, who can practice on weekends. "This will represent a great step forward, if you will," said Cheney, "towards fulfilling the Founding Fathers' dream of a well-armed citizenry." Privately, Cheney is said to have been so astounded by the tenacious resistance in Iraq to American troops that he wants Americans themselves to be no less self-reliant. Where Cheney previously believed that Baghdad had to become like America, he now see it as a model for Washington, DC.
While the Obama campaign issued a tepid statement neither approving nor condemning the program, Sen. John McCain hailed it as one that he would expand to the rest of the country. Indeed, the McCain camp is said to believe that the program will prove a potent weapon for defeating Obama. Sources inside the McCain camp suggested that the spectacle of Americans firing at will in the nations' capitol, which already has foreign television speculating that Washington is slated to become the new Baghdad, will help divert attention from the plummeting stock market and soaring gasoline prices.