Start the Presses!

In the aftermath of its retraction of the Tupac Shakur story alleging that associates of Sean "Puffy" Combs were responsible for his shooting in 1994, the Los Angeles Times made an announcement today that is sending shockwaves through the mainstream media. It has apparently decided to begin publishing at least one truthful story each day. The story will be highlighted in special borders and emblazoned with the slogan "The truth is spoken here." New Tribune owner Sam Zell, who has been exhorting his employees to turn around the company, has reportedly embraced it as just the kind of startling thinking he has been demanding that can start the presses once again. White House sources say that President Bush was initially bewildered by the move, but reassured by vice-president Dick Cheney that Fox News has rebuffed the idea.

Still, the bold move has been greeted with apprehension among some veteran journalists, who fear that the move away from cutting edge fantasy stories will inflict a fresh blow to their struggling industry. Industry heads, however, are unmoved. A new consortium is being created that includes the New York Times, Washington Post, and Wall Street Journal. It is supposed to return journalism to the high standards that once existed when journalists fearlessly exposed such stories as Franklin Roosevelt's confinement to a wheelchair or John F. Kennedy's private life.

As part of its efforts, the consortium, high-level sources report, will create a new rehab clinic for recovering journalists based in Arizona. "They can really dry out there, so to speak," said one source, "at least from their ink-stains." To ensure its bona fides, a board is being established that includes luminaries such as Hillary Clinton and Karl Rove, both of whom have taken a keen interest in press criticism. Judith Miller is said to be lobbying vigorously to be tapped for it as well. Washington Post media critic Howard Kurtz is working on a lengthy expose.

Standards are said to be stringent. Attendees will deprived of iPods and laptops. They will also be assigned and expected to wear the name tags of legends such as Edgar R. Murrow. This is supposed to help inspire them to identify more fully with journalists who engaged in the ancient practice of explaining what actually happened. Seminars will be conducted on such topics as Iraq and weapons of mass destruction as well as an immersion course in Bushspeak. Some participants will undergo intensive deprogramming sessions in which they repeatedly entire days watching crusading journalists Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell in the classic "His Girl Friday." Bonus points will be awarded to those who go on to devote their evenings to listening to tape loops of prominent journalism professors discussing George Orwell's 1946 essay "Politics and the English Language."

Competition to gain admission in is already said to be keen. In an era of fictional news, said one aspirant who insisted on remaining on deep background, "telling the truth has become something of a novel idea."

Comments

[mamacat]

Great story!
But you know, if it were actually true, their circulation might climb.

[Lemeritus]

Mr. Heibrunn, in the interest of truth, I must amend your item concerning the truthful piece soon to appear daily in the Los Angeles Times to advise you that -- while the stories will indeed be highlighted in special borders and emblazoned with the slogan "The truth is spoken here." -- the articles will have to do solely with puppies. Mr. Zell has been very clear about this -- puppies sell newspapers, news does not. Mr. Zell, as you know, recently wrested control of The Tribune Company by fronting 25 cents of his own money and making the Tribune employees very silent partners in the demise of two once nearly great newspapers, The Chicago Tribune and The Los Angeles Times. Mr. Zell's edict concerning puppies was following by "Pultizers?! We don't need no stinkin' Pulitizers!" The LA Times is presently working on a ground-breaking expose of the Westminster Kennel Club.

[texpine]

Let's see,........."telling the truth has become something of a novel idea."...........

Whooee! Miracles never cease!

[dadw5boys]

START THE PRESSES????

OH NO THE FED IS PRINTING MONEY AGAIN!!!!! RUNNNNNNN.