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9 Reasons I'm Tempted to Punch My Husband in His Jewels

02/25/2015 11:17 am ET | Updated Apr 27, 2015
Jacqui Zadik

I have a wedding anniversary coming up, the one where people say couples begin to "itch." I haven't had that feeling, but if the word itch was replaced by annoyed, then I would quickly agree that yes, the old adage is true. There are moments, days even, that I am so annoyed by my husband. On those days, when his back is to me, I often flip the bird at him. I think it's good to vent, so here goes...

Here are nine ways my husband drives me crazy:

1. "Hon, I'm just gonna do a load of laundry, will you keep an eye on the kids?" This would be a decent time for him to mention that he left a HUGE pile of dirty laundry on the side of the bed (not in, near or around the basket), so that when I come into the room 10 minutes later, I won't get disappointed since I thought that I actually caught up on the laundry... if only for a few hours. Still, how hard is it to get the clothes in the basket?! I don't want to have to go on a scavenger hunt every time I do laundry.

Speaking of laundry, why can't he ever do a load?

2. On weekends, when I make lunch for the kids, he sometimes sits down at the table and waits for me to serve him, too. No, "How can I help?" or, "Here, let me." Just four kids sitting at the table, waiting for their food. Yeah, I just called him one of my kids. Sexy, right?

Speaking of cooking, why can't he ever make a meal?

3. When he comes home from a night with the guys, he's so loud. Only he doesn't think he's loud. He just does everything in slow motion, as if that makes it less noisy. Keys still make noise in slow motion, FYI. Try it, you'll see.

4. "I can't find the pepper. Where's the pepper?" So I answer, "Second shelf from the top, on the left hand side, behind the vinegar." I know this, because that's where I've kept the pepper since we moved into the house five years ago. Same spot. "Where?" "Uh, second shelf. From the top. Left side, behind the clear bottle of Heinz vinegar." "No, it's not there." Grumbling, I get up from whatever I'm doing and find the pepper. Right where I said it was. It's not just the pepper, either. This happens with anything he is looking for, every single time.

5. He gets a runny nose and won't stop moaning about how sick he is, then checks his fever every 20 minutes. Meanwhile, I have pneumonia and am still doing everything I do on a normal day: driving, cooking, laundry, nursing, etc., and only complain when he doesn't want to do the dishes.

6. When he does something around the house, I have to say thank you. As if he's helping me out, doing me a favor. I get it, I get it, men need to have their ego boosted, but let me just vent right here and say, "I am not your mother. I don't need to say thank you for you contributing to keep this house presentable!"

7 When I ask for his help with something computer-related, he takes over, does something completely over my head and ends up messing up and having to take it in to the Genius bar to get fixed. Then wonders why I stopped asking for help.

8. This is what he says when he wants to be intimate: "Wanna have sex?" "Oooooh, stop it, you're getting me so hot and bothered with your dirty talk! I can't control myself, take me now!" Is that how he thinks I'll answer him? When did the romance disappear in my marriage? How can he think that's going to entice me?

9. "Sweetie, can you please change the baby's diaper?" "Sure!" I merrily go about my business, which is probably laundry, cooking or trying to pee in privacy, only to come back 10 minutes later to see that he hasn't changed the diaper! "I thought you were going to change him?" With a straight face, he answers, "Yeah, I am. I just didn't say when."

Listen, I'm a reasonable woman... Most of the time, anyway. I don't think it's hard to make little tweaks in our dynamic so that love we avoid the silent "Eff Off" behind the back. I'd love a little help with chores, for someone to take care of me every once in a while and maybe, just maybe, a little romance.

How about you? What annoys you about your spouse? Don't be shy, it's healthy to get it off your chest! Tell me in the comments! And for more funny parenting posts, visit MrsMuffinTop by clicking here!