The dating deceptions single women invariable confront range from the annoying (online photos that turn out to be a decade old), to the aggravating ("I'll call you"), to the agonizing ("Oh, her? Just a friend"). But usually we don't remain in the dark forever - one way or another, the truth comes out. Far more insidious, however, are the lies we women tell ourselves. These myths may feel comfy, but by insulating us from sometimes unpleasant realities, they undermine our ability to make rational decisions based on complete information, thus sabotaging our long-term romantic goals.
In my practice as a Rules dating coach, here are the most common dating myths women fall for:
1) He's intimidated by you. I hear this one all the time. What's even more mortifying is I used to fall for it myself. Women with lots going for them - attractive professionals with their act pulled together - will tell themselves that the reason the object of their affection isn't responding to their flirtation is because he's just overawed by their credentials, looks, or financial standing. Ladies, it just isn't true. Wish it was true - so much more palatable than "he's just not that into you." And yes, there are plenty of mousy guys out there. But even the mousiest specimen will discover his inner manly man when he sees a woman he wants to be with. Let go of the fantasy relationships to open yourself up to a real one.
2) Women love men who treat them like crap. I recently came across a heinous example of this sort of misogynistic claptrap in a blog by a self-styled pick-up artist guru - Roissy in DC - claiming: "The men women want most" are "cads and ***holes." That may be true for a minority, but women with high self-esteem find adoring, persistent and respectful attention an incredible turn-on. Such women instinctively avoid wasting time on men who cultivate "low expectations," as Roissy recommends. That's the benefit of The Rules mantra: "Love only those who love you."
"Because you love yourself, you are no longer interested in men who ignore you, cheat on you, hurt you ...You have no desire to chase someone who hasn't noticed you, sought you out, or dialed your number to ask you out."3) It's what's on the inside that counts. Before you have a heart attack, let me emphasize that it IS what's on the inside - your essence, your spirit, your intellect - that a man falls in love with, and that is all important when it comes to building a relationship and sustaining it over the long run, especially during hard times. But unfortunately, this "truth" can become a myth, when we use it to dismiss the importance of looking our best when it comes to attracting men. In addition to diet and exercise, this includes making an extra effort to look pulled together, feminine and sexy. If you have a favorite feature, show it off! Your long legs, dazzling décolletage, or silky tousled hair may be the lure that leads him to contemplate and fall in love with your amazing personality.
4) He's teasing you because he likes you. We've been fed this line ever since we came home crying about Johnny's spitballs in 3rd grade. While it may have been true for young boys, still developing emotionally and sexually, a grown man who tries to put you off balance with verbal sparring on the first few dates doesn't really care that much about you - or is playing games, which, in my book, amount to the same thing. Again, the players' guru, Roissy, explicitly encourages men to ask a date questions "designed to put her on the defensive," such as "Are you a good kisser?" or "Are you rich?" I've detailed your options for dealing with such questions elsewhere, but suffice it to say here that a man who really likes you will NOT risk offending you, and thus spoiling his chances of sleeping with you, by playing such games.
5) It doesn't matter what night he wants to see you -- Thursday, Friday, Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, whatever - only THAT he wants to see you. You may want to believe it's not important whether he asks you for Saturday or not - but he knows the importance, believe me. Remember the Beach Boys' lyric? "None of the guys go steady, 'cuz it wouldn't be right to leave your best girl home on a Saturday night." On the other end of the spectrum, Roissy tells men to "train women to have low expectations for seeing you on prime [EXPECTIVE] hunting nights." If he's not seeing you on Saturday, he's seeing someone else - or looking for someone he WOULD want to see on Saturdays, and every other day, in perpetuity.
If you think you may be falling for one or more of these myths - but aren't sure about whether it applies to your specific situation, then sign up for a free 10-minute consultation at www.maliburulesgirl.com. Next week I'll fill you in on the next five lies women tell themselves in dating, so you can break out of self-destructive delusions to realize your highest romantic goals.
Follow Jag Carrao on Twitter: www.twitter.com/maliburulesgirl
This treating someone like crap is off the wall.....I wouldn't want a man who was crapy to me. There's no reason for it. I hear all the time, I always like the bad boys as they as it with pride. Pleazzzz, again why? Depends what you'r looking for is what your going to get. But, remember this: If there no solid foundation to start with, its not going to happen and its a waste of time.
In regards to #5, I will have to remember this, though I can't recall as a guy thinking this. Personally going out to dinner during the week, nets you much better service and seating. I get your meaning though, if a guy seemed to always find an excuse not to see a girl (I guess this would be true of girls too) on Saturday something would be up, maybe married.
One thing I have read and noticed, not sure which category it fits, maybe under #1 or this could some different myth at work. This might depend on the scene but..
There are more than a few girls in the US that want to know rather quickly;
1. What you do for a living?
2. How much you make?
Yet, women from EU, Canada, Latin and Asia in general want to know;
1. What you like to do?
2. What do you do for fun?
If this is true, doesn't it seem like girls in the US, whom do ask this, aren't really interested in a real relationship or am I missing something here? :)
I think the major problem with relationships now days is more people are coming from broken homes and it can really put a strain on healthy communication. Though here in the US, many things I read say communicating about money is the hardest, most fragile topic.
In regards to #1 If true, maybe be these girls come off intimidating. What are they looking for, some less successful guy to stay home with the kids? I might be captain obvious here but the more successful a girl gets, the fewer *more successful* guys, she will have to choose from, right? Personally I can't figure out how girls can stand to listen to some guy talking about how successful he is, so maybe it's just me but it would be just as annoying to hear a girl do it.
In regards to #2, your self-styled pick-up artist guru sounds like he focuses on abused or codependent women if what he says is true. Though most guys bragging about how good they are at getting women, well I am sure you girls know about how that works out.
In regards to #3, I wasn't sure what to say, but I think if this is a myth and your answer is correct, both the myth and the answer apply equally to girls and guys.
Not - entirely - a myth, as the author implicitly admits: "women **with high self-esteem** (emphasis mine) find adoring, persistent and respectful attention an incredible turn-on." Not all women, and a not-inconsequential minority it would seem, have high self-esteem. Some women have downright low self-esteem, and consequently believe (incorrectly) that they cannot do any better than whatever lowlife is at hand. These individuals provide the short-term targets of opportunity for Roissy in DC and his despicable, slithering ilk. The story endeth not, however.
Still other women, often otherwise strong and dynamic women, view their men as "projects," believing (again incorrectly) that the Loser of the Week/Month/Year can be "fixed" - with a little help from the right woman. Some of these women feel empowered because, after all, we all need to be needed. And power is an intoxicating beast. Other women in this category have, unfortunately, been entrapped by their own misguided nurturing instincts.
You be the judge. Check out my blog, “Sex, Scotch and Batman” and tell me what you think.
http://tartandsoul.com/2009/11/09/sex-scotch-and-batman/
really like them A- hole boys, even well into their 40's. Women do seem to mistake kindness for weakness, at least a very large percentage . Have never figured this one out and it is a known phenomena among decent men and has led to some really interesting and sad stories.
People forced to spend much of their lives together at work necessarily develop, to one degree or another, relationships that extend beyond the strict confines of the workplace. Male executives marry their secretaries because in the historically male-dominated business world, the secretary was the closest and most visible co-worker. Many women view dating co-workers as safer, because there is sufficient time to get to know the other person. Which is why workplace romances are so common. Male dominance might, or might not, have anything to do with it. Likewise, misogyny is just one of the many, many factors underlying the statistics concerning successful women and marriage.
I would agree with the commenter who suggests a little mild teasing can be useful for bringing a conversation back to earth. A first date or two can easily and unintentionally turn into a job interview. Making fun, in a nice way, helps keep the egos checked.
Wrong. He's teasing you because he thinks he's superior.
A few weeks ago my niece started dating what seemed to be a nice guy. He - good looking with a good job at the American embassy, only speaking English. She - drop dead beautiful, fluent in 2 languages, conversant in two more.
She'd put him through the 'two date trial' and before the third date put a bottle of wine in the 'fridge, changed her sheets, and cleaned up the apartment. The boy was going to hit a home run.
In conversation she said - pho to graph er, rather than pho tog ra pher, giving him an opening criticize her English for a half hour.
When they got to the restaurant, since he doesn't understand a word of Russian, she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and a 100 Euro bottle of wine.
Life's too short to sleep with rude men or ugly women.
In public he is usually or always very good with her, and acts all sweet and crap, but every other day I swear she is calling my mother telling her how awful he is, how he treats her like crap and blah blah blah...and my mother is always saying "you should break up with him" and yet she is still with him.
It might be because he is making HUGE money and built her a custom state of the art home and pays for everything she needs or wants...she works, but she uses all her money on clothes, or christmas ornaments.
And trust me she isnt completely without fault either, she acts like a total martyr, and is always thinking my brother is cheating on her, when I know for a fact that the last thing he wants or needs is another woman in his life...she has tons of baggage, like a teenage kid from her first marriage, I think she has munchausen by proxy, because that kid always seems to be in the hospital for one useless reason of another. She loves it when people feel sorry about her, and her sad childhood....
I dont think you could find a more messed up relationship without diving in illegal activity.
for all the independent women talk that is thrown around these days, its rather hilarious how women become dependent on believing these myths to make up for poor self esteem.
eventually you will find a good guy, just stop letting the tools rule your emotions in the meantime.
great article JAG
He's intimidated by you - I used to be told by girlfriends that I 'intimidated' men. I never believed it. I freely admit that I do intimidate some of those (now ex) friends. I think that's where this particular myth comes from. Women who are jealous of other women automatically assume that men will be jealous of those women too.
Women love men who treat them like crap - Iccckkk! I have an ex who believes this so deep in his heart that after 6 years he is still stalking me. I'm married and moved, but he is totally convinced that since I dumped him for being a jerk, that I 'still want him'. Iccckkkk!!!
It's what's on the inside that counts. I have 2 wonderful single friends. One is a treasure - Definitely wife material - but is 50-60 lbs overweight. The other single friend - into drama - life is all about her - no education - no standards in the men she sleeps with. Definitely not wife material, but she will impress the hell out of his friends (until she sleeps with one).
He's teasing you because he likes you - we're not in elementary school any longer!!
I had 2 men in my life who didn't want to date me on the weekends. The day I figured it out (after about 3 dates - no sex), I ended it. Both of them contacted much later (one last month - after 2 years) to ask
In any given moment, the topic of dinner conversation can be her, you, someone else, or something tangible or abstract. You don't want to linger on any single topic too much unless the flow of conversation is comfortable.
Any teasing which creates more than a moment of discomfort is a show of contempt. But teasing can be easily misinterpreted and a man must quickly be willing to beg for tolerance and understanding if they make a lame joke. Best not to screw up in the first place.
Intimidation can be a real factor if the man is from another social or economic class. In this case, the social environment can lead to one or the other feeling timid. It could be disaster for the man to appear in the wrong social environment so it would be smart to be "intimidated" if the woman's own environment is like an ego fortress with too much of her own advantage. Better not go there, or else intimidation leads to humiliation and an ego has been harvested by a femme fatale. That's why the smart man is patient, not in a hurry. Nice and easy does it, every time.