"We all make mistakes." Nowhere is the cliché more apt than when it comes to relationships. As a dating coach I've been privileged to help other women recognize and break free of self-defeating patterns and habits that have kept them from realizing the relationship of their dreams.
The most common dating mistakes often spring from underlying issues of self-esteem (think too little of yourself, and you'll settle for less-than-ideal situations - think too much of yourself, and you believe bad behavior is absolved by your sheer fabulousness). More often, dating doozies result from failure to recognize - or simply accept - the different ways men and women approach relationships. Then there's the lack of faith in the abundance of the universe - the anxious sense of scarcity that propels us to "make things happen," instead of letting them unfold.
Fortunately, you're not alone. It's uncanny how the women I coach all tend to commit the same mistakes (five of which I've outlined below). Moreover, correcting the errors of your ways can be done with a bit of practice. To avoid repeating the same mistakes over and over again, first you've got to recognize them. So here goes:
Dating Mistake #1: Approaching Him First. Among all the invaluable lessons in The Rules, authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider emphasize this point as the most important. It may go against conventional dating advice, which encourages women to flirt and even strike up a conversation. While there are always exceptions, the women I coach who are struggling with boyfriends who won't commit or husbands who ignore them almost invariably made the first contact. A man may date and even marry a woman who approached him first, but there will likely be consequences later on...when he approaches the girl he really wants. This goes for online dating as well.
Quick Fix: If you talked him first or even asked him out, you can try to restore some of the feminine mystique and you forfeited as the initiator by being a bit more elusive - a little less available, a little more mysterious. If he's truly smitten by you, he'll rise to the challenge and cherish you more. If not, then let him float away now, before he wastes more of your time and ends up breaking your heart. In the future, please, trust in the universe! Look approachable and friendly - that's all the encouragement your future (adoring) husband needs.
Dating Mistake #2: Acting overly chummy. You've just met the guy and you're telling him about the back-stabber in your office, the fight you had with your sister, the details of your recent root canal. Yuck! During the first few dates, the man is still essentially a stranger. Women who share intimate details of their lives and emotions too soon come across as desperate and neurotic.
Quick Fix: Recognize that the more you talk about yourself, the less you'll be listening and observing whether he is right for you. Identify why you feel the need to yammer on -- nervousness, low tolerance for awkward silences, desire to impress with witty banter and accomplishments - and remember that you are not there to audition, but to relax and have a good time.
Dating Mistake #3: Accepting last minute dates. Again, another big “no-no” identified in The Rules. You need to show (not tell) men that you're a busy woman, with lots of friends, deadlines, projects and prospects (including romantic ones). When you accept so-called "spontaneous" invitations for the next day or even same evening, you send the message you've got nothing going on in your life - or nothing that important, since you're willing to drop everything to accommodate him. Let a man treat you like a fast food drive-thru (put his order in at the window then pull up to get his grub) and that's how he'll view you. Fancy restaurants - and fancy girls - require reservations made well in advance. What you reward you encourage.
Quick Fix: To make sure you're his "Plan A" girl (not the "Plan B" girl he calls after his first choice turns him down), I recommend setting a firm cut-off limit after which you're "busy" - period. Having trained with The Rules authors, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, I recommend their "three days in advance" rule - e.g. he calls by Wednesday night to ask you for Saturday.
Dating Mistake #4: Jumping into a "whirlwind romance." If your love life looks a bit like Jennifer Anniston's, your 0-to-60 relationships might benefit from a judicious application of the break pedal. Yes, speed bumps can be annoying, but without them you'd end up driving too fast, without adequate time to observe, maneuver and react. Again, The Rules remind us: "Men fall in love quickly - but they also fall out of love quickly." Sure, it can be flattering, even exhilharating, when a man you've just met wants to see you several times a week and talk to you for hours on the phone. But unfortunately the result is a white-hot romance that burns brightly and then fizzles out.
Quick Fix: You need to start pacing the relationship. Do The Rules: Don't see him more than once or twice a week, don't talk more than ten minutes on the phone, don't open up too fast, or introduce him to your friends before he introduces you to his. If he absolutely must see you every day, 24-hours-a-day, there's this arrangement called marriage.....let him figure it out! A wise woman once observed: "It's the spaces in between seeing you when a man falls in love and discovers the true depth of his longing."
Dating Mistake #5: Wasting Time. We've all been guilty of this one, at some point in our lives or another. Wasting time - either in a relationship that's going nowhere or getting over a heartbreak - is one of the biggest and most common mistakes women make. As Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo exhort the lovelorn in He's Just Not that Into You: "Don't waste the pretty!"
Quick Fix: Know what you want - and believe you deserve it. If you want to get married but the guy you've been dating for over a year still isn't sure, set a time limit of how long you're willing to wait then stick to it. Once D-Day (decision day) arrives, and he's still waffling, then move on and do not look back (if he's ever going to know and man up to a proposal, this will be your best - and his last - chance). If you're still wallowing in despair over a break up, then put your profile on-line, start going to singles events, and let friends know you're available for set-ups. There is no better "healing" than the attention several new suitors.
Follow Jag Carrao on Twitter: www.twitter.com/maliburulesgirl
I am SOOOOO glad I am not single -- because, I couldn't stand this sort of advice. It's admittedly good -- if one plans to get married. But, what of those of us who don't "pretend" to have a life for the sake of intriguing someone, but really DO, and would like a relationship with someone that allows for a date every week, two weeks -- plus obvious conversation in between? Are there people out there who can tolerate those sorts of relationships "for real", or just when it's a play?
I'm also guilty of getting tired of men I'm dating in as short as one month. I just don't waste time anymore. If I see the guy's a jerk I move on. Too many men in this world to settle.
That other relationship classic is "Man are from Mars Women are From Venus" talks about this stuff more thoroughly. There IS such a thing as a natural female-male dynamics .
Basically as women we need to be chosen and men need to do the choosing (rule 1). It's never healthy to be more nuts about your guy than he is about you....as women we are the prize to be won and cherished. This isn't a "game"-it's understanding your worth and having self-esteem(sans delusions of grandeur).
While there as many types of relationships as there are people, this dynamic will keep abuse and/or simply being taken for granted at bay. When we give more or love more etc. we don't have that secure feeling of being cherished and the fear that we will loose "him" is part of the relationship. That fear will be a wedge.Choosing the girl and getting the girl is also gratifying for the guy.
The thing no one tells you (universal abundance notwithstanding) is that a "true love" connection is not an everyday occurrence. Also, we have to determine if marriage is what we want out of a particular relationship...seems like that step grows naturally out of the relationship rather than simply deciding.
Lastly, IMHO marriage is overrated.
Welcome to the land of everyone of us.
You want to be secure that the person you're with likes you as much, or more, than you like them. This is understandable. But it's a mistake to elevate that into a universal rule of how things should be - you'll wind up with a world full of insecure clingy men and bored women.
THe point is that too many women work too hard to hold on to people that are not healthy, suitable or plain good to them. A lot of this is biological in that if you raise children or bear children togetehr you do whatever to maintain the stability and this of course includes financial stability. This is why the "security" is important- you can't build a nest from a drive-by relationship.
I don't understand why we keep pushing these ideas; that men are conquerors and women are fragile princesses that have to be won or the relationship will not be healthy. It's just silly. Can't we just be human beings, looking for companionship with other human beings? Why do we have to attach all this artificial weight to it?
It is, as you say, silly.
"Pace the relationship"? What is THAT?
Certainly, women should value themselves well, and pay attention so that they're not accidentally allowing mistreatment or indifference ...
... but, as a single male, this sort of "make yourself unavailable", "restore the mystique" behavior sends me straight for the exits. It reads to me as "she's a game-player"; "she's potentially dishonest"; "she's high-maintenance or possibly conceited" or "she's simply not that into me".
I have walked away from women whom I suspect are "gaming" me, and will continue to do so. I won't waste this pretty either! :-)
I regard women who introduce themselves first as confident, and women who will "pal it up" with me, once we know each other well enough, as friendly souls -- and I can't love anyone who's not my friend.
My point is, rules sets don't fit all circumstances. Always remember the human aspects (yours and theirs). If you treat love like a game, you'll never win anything worth having. -- MJM
When I was in my early 20s, I used to blow hot and cold. I'd tell women I needed to see them, loved them, was thinking about them. Then I'd make myself unavailable for the next week.
Then I grew up. I have no doubt that if I went back to this it would still work as well as it used to, but treating people like that means that you don't truly respect them as having feelings in their own right. It's too bad that both "the rules" for women and "the pickup artists" for men are actually advising that people do this.
I miss him so.
He was one of the smartest people I ever knew. He had 3 Masters he never mentioned. A month after we married, I accidently saw his degrees in a box in his attic.
He was the most positive person... It was the way he saw life. Every time I walked thru the room (e.g.him watching TV) he would look up and get a big bright smle on his face and say "Hey, Princess, how's it going?".
He loved people. I never heard him criticize anybody. Not even his first wife.
I have photos of him laughing, slapping his knee in delight, and our vacations to 'poke our nose' into things. We shared an openess and curiousity about everything. We also loved sitting here together.
He bragged about me endlessly to friends.
He was already 63 years old when we married. [second for both]. Top of the list of shared things each had: Desire to stay single forever UNLESS we met another person WHO HAD ALREADY GOTTEN THEIR MENTAL BAGGAGE OUT OF THE WAY.
We married one year after we met.. He was my knight in shining armor. By the time he died he didn't remember my name anymore. But he got that same bright face when he heard me at his bedside.
Putting expectations, especilly unrealistic ones, onto your relationships is the number one reason people continue to fail at them. You must create positive preferences and strong bondries first and in doing this you will have more fun and not be hurt as often. You will also more easily find that perso(s)who will make life more fun and rewarding and lead eventually to marriage if that is your choice..
If you yearn for romance than be a willing and passionate partiscipant who helps to create something special today.If you can do this together today, then you will have this in that unforseen furture too. Sadly this is becoming a dying form of skills between two people, it is equally obvious for those that are married or in relatonships too. Hence the alarming divorce rate and growing unhappiness of women in all demograhics in this country.
If you want a relationship to last, look for someone who can be your best friend. I don't have time for any woman who plays these bs games and uses "rules" to determine what or who to talk to. As soon as I see this nonsense I cut her off. Why? Because then the "game" will never stop. You'll be married and she'll be playing the same silly games.
We were taking dancing classes together. She was interested, I not. She called me up on a Thursday to say she had a girlfriend in town, did I have plans for Saturday, and could they join me and whoever for that night. That Saturday night was the first night we kissed. Rule 1 broken.
I had invited another woman for a weekend away with friends at a castle in Italy for his fortieth birthday. That woman turned me down. The woman who is now my wife said yes, as my Plan B, to a last second invitation, with no hesitation. Rule 3 broken.
I invited my now-wife to take a six month leave of absence from her work, and go traveling to Africa with me. Talk about 24-hours-a-day! She said yes, instantly. Three months later I proposed. Rule 4 broken.
We did follow the other two rules - in fact, I set the one year deadline after about our fifth date - and she didn't mention it once thereafter!!
My wife is my wife today because she broke three rules. For her to be with a man like me (the 'geeky guy' who has become the 'all good men are married'), that was the right choice.
We are dealing with statistical theory, as in The Art of War.
Oh, and thank you was explaining how a real man works, which is based on his own needs, timeline, etc., especially if his is lucky enough to find a true woman.