The Rules Redux: 4 Mind Games Men Play

My last blog on top dating mistakes women make caused an uproar among male readers who complained my advice encouraged women to “play games.” Not a huge surprise, since the most common dating blunders are a boon to lazy men looking for casual flings. But a bit ironic, given that MEN themselves are masters of game playing in relationships.

 In fact, the tough love coaching I give my clients is aimed at protecting women from falling victim to such games. What kind of games am I talking about? I’m sure female readers could cite hundreds of examples. But from my practice, here are four of the most frequent games I see men playing:

1) The “play to lay” game. This is where he pretends to care about you more than he actually does at the beginning in order to get you into bed. As women we crave emotional intimacy, so it’s not difficult for a man to combine earnest questions and over-the-top compliments to create the illusion of trust and connection that usually precedes sexual intimacy. The game is a blast for both parties involved – until a woman finds herself wondering why the man who was “crazy for her” and “couldn’t get enough of her” has poofed after a few rolls in the hay.

Girl’s Game Changer: In order the separate the man who actually DOES fall in love with you at first sight and CAN go the distance from the players, a woman must pace the relationship. Rules authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider recommend: "Don’t see him more than once or twice a week for the first month or two." They also suggest not inviting him back to your place for the first few dates, and holding off on sex until you’re confident he’ll stick around. Sure, a guy who’s just looking to get laid won’t put up with such “games from women.” In other words, you’ll weed out those who want only one thing.

2) The “spontaneity” game. At worst, this is when men try to pass off “booty calls” as spontaneous gestures of missing you and needing you.  At best, it’s just laziness, lack of organization, or taking a woman’s time and schedule for granted. Either way, it doesn’t really make a gal feel special or respected when a man calls right before he wants to see her.

Girl’s Game Changer: Ladies, if you would prefer that the men in your lives gave you more advance notice when asking you out, then STOP accepting last minute invitations!  Why not just tell him you prefer to be asked out in advance? You know, ‘cuz it’s all about communicating and being honest? BECAUSE IT WON’T WORK and it will only come across as nagging. As I said in my previous blog, I think the “three days in advance” (e.g., Wednesday for Saturday) as proposed in The Rules is reasonable.

Yes, it’s true, as one of my (predictably, male) critics pointed out: a woman may miss out on some occasional spontaneous fun -- like fabulous last minute tickets that a guy has just scored --  if she has “a rule” against accepting last minute invitations. But far more often, the fun, fantastic nights out women ARE missing are those they COULD have planned with their girlfriends but DIDN’T because they were trying to keep their schedules open to accommodate last minute invitations from men!

3) The “good enough for now” game. This is the fun little merry-go-round in which a man creates the impression that the two of you are in a serious relationship when he’s actually stringing you along, enjoying your sexual favors and home-cooked meals, while actively looking for something better.

Girl’s Game Changer: Again, The Rules provide the key. If you’re seeing him once or twice a week, then make sure one of those dates is international date night: Saturday. Unless one/both of you are working or have family commitments on Saturdays, that’s when he gets to see you. How to get him to ask you out for Saturday? Say no to Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday…you get the idea. Once again, a man who is just marking time with you won’t “put up with such games” from women – which is precisely what we want! Men with lukewarm interest won’t pursue a woman who is even the slightest challenge – but not even teams of wild horses (much less a few pesky Rules) can deter the man who really, really loves you.

4) The “break up to make up” game.  Two can certainly play at this game, but when the on-again-off-again routine starts stretching into years, vs. months, it’s women who have the most to lose, as time is our most precious, non-renewable resource. (See avoiding time wasters).

Girl’s Game Changer: This one is so hard. As Greg Behrendt put it in He’s Just Not That Into You:

“What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn’t want you in his life anymore, his sad, wistful, ‘I miss you so much’ voice on the other end of the phone? It’s validating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible. But resist you must.”

Usually, when he breaks it off, it’s broken forever. But not always. Sometimes you’ve crowded and scared a guy, and the break up is his was of reasserting his space. So GIVE HIM SPACE. Don’t call him, don’t e-mail him. If he does call and ask to get back together, proceed with caution. He’s proven he can walk away from you once. The defensive dating techniques I recommend can protect your already bruised heart from getting brutalized once more.

 There is another common game men play – it’s actually a word game, where they pretend they have never heard of and certainly cannot pronounce such words as “marriage,” “commitment” and “children.” Deftly winning this game requires delicate skill, and deserves an entire blog on the subject. So tune in next time for “Engaged by Christmas.”

Meanwhile, women interested in learning the hard-to-get-but-easy-to-be-with approach to dating can try a free ten minute consultation for a limited time by visiting www.maliburulesgirl.com.

 

 

 

 

Follow Jag Carrao on Twitter: www.twitter.com/maliburulesgirl

Comments

[yellowdoggie]

I don't know what some people find so objectionable in this advice. It really just boils down to insisting that people treat you with respect. What's wrong with that?

[Jag Carrao - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Yellowdoggie -- that IS basically what it boils down to. It's about setting boundaries and acknowledging that men and women are wired differently when it comes to dating. I'm thrilled for women who've pursued men and had it work out well -- but the vast majority of the women I coach who are reeling from devastating break-ups or feeling insecure and powerless in their current relationship are those who initiated things and tried to "make the relationship happen." The approach I recommend is geared toward protecting women from needless heartache, so they can focus on the important things in life -- like their careers -- and remain positive and open for when the right man comes along.

[greendream]

I think the resistance to this comes down to the fact that women have been able to throw off so many rules that society clamps down on us. Our daughter can grow up to command a space shuttle mission! She can be President (insert whatever dream here) . She can be true to herself but when it comes to men/dating they are being told that no these rules still apply and cannot be discarded. If you want to be happy in love tow this line. Something in some of us just rebels at that idea because we believe have come so far and done so much and yet men still have to be 'handled in a certain' way.

But what do I know? I chased my guy until I finally caught him and we've been married 30+ years...and he is NOT shy. ;)

[leorising]

Wow. The sad thing is, these "rules" actually work out for a great many women, in that they get the marriage, get the house, get the kids, etc. they so desperately long for. The jury's out on how much actual happiness it brings anybody. Personally, I'd rather chew glass than treat any person I cared for in this way. Each to her own, I guess.

[Sanford109]

Reading a lot of these comments make me think a lot of women lack self-respect, if they are not confident and strong enough to trust in themselves to behave like grown ups when dating. As a 34-year old man, I am sick of dating girls who think some book or blog makes them smart enough to manipulate me. I want to get married and have kids, but not to a woman who's approach from the get-go is to test and lead me via secret strategy. I've learned that kind of woman doesn't want to hear my desire to get married and have kids. A "Rules" Girl recoils from a man who openly wants to work towards marriage and kids--they want a man who says he will never have kids, will never settle down--so they can feel Special from having been The One Who Tamed His Wild Heart. "Rules" girls seek commitment, but they want men to not want it at first--so they can try out this BS. So, I don't mention commitment, and allow the "Rules" girl to feel like she's won. So, who's gaming who if we both want the same thing, but I have to let them feel like they're some kind of sharp? I think "Rules" women are often only manipulating themselves, and we men indulge this unhealthy desire to feel a false Total Control.

[mairs]

'A "Rules" Girl recoils from a man who openly wants to work towards marriage and kids-'

Or maybe you're heading that way too soon. Most women don't recoil if a man wants to settle down and have kids, but they will if they think you're looking at them like a brood mare....ie too soon in the relationship.

[malodorousgit]

These rules are not for manipulating a man into loving you, which will never ever work. They are for not getting caught up in fake relationships with men who are haven't found the right woman for them yet, and are - maybe unconsciously - wasting a lot other women's time until they do find the right woman. Of course the rules don't apply when the right man and woman really have found each other. But a lot of woman so hope they've found the right man that they ignore their inner knowledge that they haven't, and these rules can give them a compass that might put them back on track again.

[Jag Carrao - Huffpost Blogger]

Exactly right....it's about avoiding fantasy relationships, evaluating the viability of relationships based on actions not words, and fine-tuning that inner compass, as you aptly put it.

[clsez]

Avoiding, evaluating, viability, actions, words, fine-tuning, inner compass.

Sweet. Like stars circling their heads, while trying to decide which of his actions belong with which star.

Ladies, decide truthfully what and who you are and let everything flow through that filter.
Decide who you will be and it will be very clear to everyone soon. People can within one week, convince people who have always known us, that we are completely opposite from whom we have been all our lives. They will see correlation through perception.

[clsez]

This an 007 car? Slime dispensers, tire spikes, missiles. Make it tough for him. Stiff arm him, see if he keeps chasing. Then what? Once past the hoops who does he find in you? Accomplished guys I know love a challenge and work for many months for the trophy rather than do the flood of easy girls who "just wanna have fun" out there. Other guys would not be gamed that long... there's the aforementioned low hanging fruit. This leaves either the good guys who soon recognize game and run away from such manipulation or the ones who would chase ad nauseum. Many times, the result is her cynicism induced belief that he's desperate and she can do better. She moves on and he migrates to group two above.

Most women want a guy who's in control. Control of his reality, and of others, the more, and more influential in her eyes, the easier her willingness (Jag's physicist's accomp. dropping) Just hope he's in it for your reason and the relationship grows. Peoples abilities and aspirations only rise to the level of their self perception.

So, forget all Jag, and humbly I, wrote. Follow one rule. Comprehensively decide what are, and don't compromise your principles. Period. Live fully knowing your principles will guide you, alert you, lose you some prospects but keep you happy. You'll attract who you deserve. This works for both sexes, ghetto or Park Avenue. Change your principles to change your prospects. Life's a mind job.

[Yalisa]

I have a friend who continously finds men who lavish her with compliments, claim love, get the sex, then pretty much disappear for several weeks. Then it's a phone call at 11pm on a weeknight- oh, honey, I miss you, I was wrong, you are too good for me, gotta see you right now blah blah blah... I keep telling her that his ACTIONS speak louder than his gushing words. If he can't take you to meet his friends, family after a month or two, it's a no brainer. He is not going to take the relationship to a higher level. "Ohh, but he says he loves me". Get out and save yourself some time and heartbreak. She's been doing this since highschool. Really sweet girl, pretty too, but always drawn to the worst men. Sigh...

[justasimpleguy]

(sorry these 2 posts may be out of order...250 word max)
2nd I have tried to be chivalrous and hold doors and pull out chairs (i know this goes against the sexism statement, so yes, there is some hypocrisy), but most of the women my age, while they say they like it, never like the guys that do it.
The spontaneity game made me laugh. I would not want to be with a girl that didnt love random fun. I would not care who initiated it, she or I. To me, the thought or a quick "lets go to central park with a bottle of wine and cheese and crackers" is more fun, and even more romantic than a pretentious dinner that was planned. I think a relationship needs both.
I guess it could be that attitude why I am not a success with ever finding a date.

I realize there are games that are played. I know guys play them and girls do to. It is what it is. I just hope that everyone know that not all guys or all girls are playa's. I think the problem is that the women that aren't find the guys that are, and the guys that aren't find the girls that are. IT just make it so much more complicated

[justasimpleguy]

Ok, heres the thing. Guys read this for a variety of reasons. As some so aptly put it, it is because they want to hunt better. Others, like myself, are not successful, and want to see if they are doing something wrong or sending the wrong signals. So, I guess it is that we want to hunt better too, but not hunt in the ladies man sense, but hunt to find a woman to love. The "Nice Guys" things are so cliche, but yet so very true. We see women go after and fall for the loser guy that may look good but is a total @$$. Women have the sense that all guys are pigs, even just reading some of the posts here. I'll be honest, there are a lot that are. But us that are not, we we just need to find something.

I am kinda shy around girls and have a hard time approaching. If i do muster the courage to approach, and a girl acts if not interested, I am not into that game, I'll let her be, convincing myself it is fate. And in a previous post you talked about how make the man approach and all of the chivalry stuff.
1st, I believe in equality of the sexes, and do not hold it against a women if she so chooses to approach me. They are equal, and I do not feel I have to treat them as less.

[propitiousmoment]

Everyone complaining about "rules" should remember some things.

1. A guy (or girl) who demands exclusivity very early on in a relationship is more than likely an abuser - lots of women especially would be saved a lot of grief if they keep it slow in the beginning to smoke out this potential.
2. No matter how close the relationship, there needs to be some space. If you jump into being together all the time right off the bat, you don't give your emotional/social self time to adjust, the pressure builds, and one or the other of you will feel crowded before long and break it off.
3. It takes a long time to build true intimacy and the ability to share the major part of your life with another human being. If you jump into a full-on relationship on the strength of one or two or a few dates, seeing each other several times a week etc., you are not giving yourselves the benefit of the natural progression of a lasting relationship. Naturally you are going to see the good side of each other at first but when the faults and irritating habits start to be revealed (yes, everyone has them!) you will not have built a solid enough foundation of trust and acceptance to weather the inevitable conflicts that follow.
These rules may be "games" if you're a player, but if you're seriously interested in having a longterm loving relationship, ignore them at your peril.

[dim]

Very wise. I would add that it is natural to want to appear better than you really are to the object of your affection. This is a good thing when it inspires us to really become a better person. This is a terrible thing when you put up a front to accomplish short term goals, for it precludes a long-term relationship with anyone else.

I am not a "dating coach" and my own record is not stellar, but I've been around and the best I can offer is: first find yourself and then be yourself. You may fail a lot, but at least those few you manage to attract will like the real you. There is no better prize than that.

[BlueTexasWoman]

Or they might just be people who don't sleep with people sleeping with other people. It's quite gross when you think about it.

So they say, "I don't sleep with multiple people. If you want to sleep with someone else, just kindly let me know, because then I won't be sleeping with you anymore."

It's not a threat. It's self-respect.

[desthmoneses]

A smart woman creates her own relationships and doesn't need this "advice". I use the phrase advice very loosely here, a better characterization would be regurgitated 1950's stereotypes on how to bag a man and not get scammed. I honestly feel sorry for the person writing this, they seem so sheltered and to have a narrow view of people and what some ones goals should be. How this person came to write on relationships is beyond me, do most women really need this advice? Women are becoming captains of industry and politics in America and have being doing better then men in so many ways, I find it hard to believe most women are so poor at reading men and forging relationships that they need this kind of advice, but this was probably just written for entertainment purposes and business.

[Milo Page]

Or some of us aren't as evolved... Seems like you may have forgotten how many different levels of consciousness exist on this planet.

The 'game changers' are quite practical. Maybe it will keep some girls from having to learn the same lessons. And it could also make some guys more aware too.

Kudos, Jag. I like your encouraging the empowering of women. I would like it even more if you also promoted empathy and compassion for the men who are 'playing the games' you mention. Otherwise it's like desthmoneses was saying - it feels like 1950's stereotypes. Forget that. Let's come into an age of understanding and caring.

[Flokk]

Well there goes most of my 'A' game. Lol!

[TwistedNibbler]

What happens when a man just Loves you? No competition, no "hunt" or any BS like that...

I see a woman in whom I find interest, and I show her attention almost exclusively.

Why does every woman run away?? What do "The Rules" have to say about that?

[Dnietz]

women who follow "the rules" or any such system are not looking for love. maybe they think they are, but on the same level that a child is absolutely sure about certain things that they really don't know.

game players are just that. they are playing the market. they are testing their market value by seeing what they are able to get in return. their goal is get a status, position, lifestyle, and enjoyment of their time on earth.

they think love is whatever helps them get those things. and a game player is always a game player. there is nothing that you can do to change someone into a sincere human. honesty and integrity cannot be forced onto a person.

the same thing is true for men that play games (any games of any type). if you are a game player, you have the intellect of a child. you are not seeking genuine feelings that develop naturally. you are seeking a thing and then forcing feelings on what you find.

at least game players are obvious within a short time after you meet them. you can easily just break off the relationship when you figure it out and move on.

if you stick around or if you actually seek that type of person, then no amount of advice from relationship experts will help you. you are doomed to a life of superficial relationships and you deserve it.

[golden rule]

One word, girls: engineers.

I am an engineer, and consequently I work with engineers. Most engineers (excluding biological and chemical) are not over-saturated with women and as a result, tend to appreciate them more. They are kind, considerate, hard-working, and often pretty great looking. They will be curious about you and make the extra effort to make you like them and eventually love you for what you're worth. And you must love them when they get excited about newer, more powerful scientific techniques.

Obviously, this is not the case in general, but when I hear women complain about issues with men (which isn't often... because I work with mostly men), I just wish I could recommend every woman in the world an engineer. Or, if you're feeling daring, a physicist. ;-)

[Jag Carrao - Huffpost Blogger]

Great advice! Actually my old flame was a physicist who founded the NLP.

[malodorousgit]

I always say to my girlfriends, if you want a man, go where lots of men and not many women are. And if you want an intelligent man, that's going to be the fields of engineering, physics, the so-called "hard" sciences generally. They get a bad rap, though, for being nerds and geeks and generally not masculine enough. I haven't found it to be true, myself.

[Gemma08]

Hook me up!

[Jeanette Ponder]

All I date are engineers and physicists, LOL. It's kinda weird; they really dig me. I take it as a compliment. Truly...the last 8-9 men in my life? Engineers and physicists - including the one that just dumped me to pursue a woman who's in a five-year long relationship.

Moral of the story: yeah, they're not players, but they ARE still men who do some shady, manipulative stuff. Don't be fooled that nerds are all good guys and altruistic. This one was a mess.

[rivergirl301]

I'm stuck in the sticks and sick of hicks. No many scientists around here :(

[django707]

This thing that happens between men and women is a mystery. The rules apply until they don't apply.
Most men are jerks who will do anything to get laid, until they fall in love and then will do anything to make her happy.
What's interesting is watching the ebb and flow of these relationships.
My observation has been that at the very very beginning, when the man is on the his best behavior, the woman controls the flow - after all, she controls the sex - then,as the man grows confident after their sex lives have taken off, he takes the power. Later still, as he becomes more intimate and emotionally dependent, the woman begins to really dominate the relationship.
And, of course, this is only true until a thousand people prove that the opposite is true. Because this thing that happens between boys and girls is a great mystery that none of us - Freud included - can solve!

[malodorousgit]

It's true, the rules apply until they don't apply. Funny about that.