Kevin Newman believes nothing scares men more than vulnerability. "They haven't had a vocabulary that's safe," the veteran journalist says. "It's almost like a club: 'Yeah, we can share this among ourselves, but as soon as we get out of this conversation -- Armor up.'"
Emotional armor has protected Kevin through a decades-long career in television news; as a result he's anchored major programs across the US and Canada (including ABC's World News Now and Good Morning America and Global TV's Global National), and has garnered such honors as Emmy, Peabody, and Gemini awards. But today the vulnerability guards have lifted as Kevin and his son Alex -- an acclaimed art director with no shortage of awards himself -- discuss the memoir they wrote together, aptly entitled All Out: A Father and Son Confront the Hard Truths That Made Them Better Men.
A frank study of modern masculinity, All Out allows both Newmans to plumb the depths of their complex parent-child relationship and their own psyches to answer difficult questions: How does a father connect to his family while coping with a demanding job and national scrutiny? How does a son climb out of his famous parent's shadow? How do family dynamics change when one member comes out as LGBT, as Alex did at age 17? And the real kicker: Can men "have it all"?
Alternating chapters from Kevin and Alex's viewpoints lend the narrative a fascinating Rashomon quality, such as the coming-out scene where Dad sees his initial response to the news -- a giant bear hug -- as supportive and Son interprets it as a challenge. Both Newmans grapple with the distinction between private and public selves, various kinds of bullying and perceived threats to their masculinity. Though a key arc in the book has Kevin confronting his own homophobia in order to be a better parent, the parallels that emerge from father and son's individual but oddly alike stories are the main attractions.
For Alex, the memoir's recurrent dualities are humbling.
From the moment we began writing the book I thought I knew who my dad was, but when we finished reading each other's manuscripts I had a completely different appreciation for this man. One of the biggest things I picked up is how similar my father and I actually are. We realized we were very much the same person in our own inner monologues.
Kevin and Alex wrote their chapters separately, neither letting the other read his writings until the manuscript was complete, so that epiphany came as an even larger surprise than one would assume.
"We were calling it the 'anti-collaboration' process," Alex laughs.
We sequestered each other away for many reasons and one of them was to keep the memories pure. Because if you start asking each other, "What did you think of this situation?" you'd be contaminating the timeline. Really, the way you remember a memory is the truth to who you are as a person.
"I was speaking to myself for the first time in a long time," Kevin confesses.
I'm the kind of guy that when an experience happens, I put it in a box, it goes on a shelf and I keep moving forward. Always have. But this process forced me to take [memories] off the shelf, open them up, and check out their contents. Now with hindsight, I ask myself, "How did that make me feel really?" This forced me to reconcile my story and undo residual feelings about things I'd done in my life, and that's why it became a conversation with myself -- a kinder conversation than I'd anticipated.
Readers will find much kindness in All Out, as well as empathy (even when discussing Kevin's absences from home or misguided expectations for his son, Alex always portrays his father as loving and wanting to be involved). And in fact there are infinite reasons to love this memoir. However, it's the authors' commitment to full disclosure, their keen skills of introspection, which really gives the book its power and artistry. Not many guys would risk exposing their weaknesses to the outside world. When was the last time a man admitted that playing with other boys terrified him as a child, or that he isn't the most charismatic performer in a room?
The latter point is highlighted when Kevin recounts his public failure as the third male co-host in Good Morning America's history. Shepherding his audience through the chaotic minefield that was ABC News in 1998, he spares no detail in revealing how easily his identity was lost within that world. Network executives urged him to dye his eyelashes so his eyes would pop onscreen. Coaches forced him to copy Matt Lauer's mannerisms because NBC's Today led the ratings. While continuous focus groups pressured him to grow his hair long and achieve a persona dubbed Optimal Kevin, newspapers derided his lack of chemistry with co-anchor Lisa McRee and predicted doom on a daily basis. As elements of the job colluded to reinforce Kevin's sense of helplessness, he fought to maintain a confident façade despite feeling utterly humiliated.
Alex, then on the cusp of adolescence, couldn't see beyond his father's "hero quarterback" veneer. "I didn't know my dad very well. I couldn't pierce through the impenetrable wall of 'Anchor Kevin Newman' who was a powerful figure. It scared me."
Otherwise Alex might have been able to share his own struggles with self-definition brought on by severe schoolyard bullying, the gradual discovery of his sexuality, and constant guilt over falling short of what he imagined Kevin's ideal son to be. But because neither Newman was capable of acknowledging his fears with the other, Alex's journey of identity brought him to some very dark places.
Today Kevin confesses that this estrangement, which he barely recognized at the time, hurt more than any career disappointment ever could have.
[I'm in] the first generation of men who wanted to be emotionally involved with their children on a much deeper level. We didn't want the relationships that we had with our own fathers. Now I'm looking back and saying, "That was my intention. How well did I do?" And the answer is, "Not much better than my own dad." Yes, I can kiss and hug my son; yes, I can tell him I love him. But in the end, the circumstances were such that I ended up working even harder than my father and was, in a different way, just as disconnected when it mattered.
In 2004, Alex came out as gay. Kevin, by then head anchor of Canada's Global National and striving to spend more time at home with his family, was determined to be a sympathetic parent. Still, the rift between them seemed to widen as Alex's forays into gay culture made his father uncomfortable, and years passed without an honest discussion of these feelings. Ever the journalist, in 2012 Kevin produced a news piece, "How to Parent Our Gay Children," for the documentary series W5 to investigate the matter the way he knew best.
"It was safer to explore this territory through another family than through my own," he comments. "And I had an epiphany in asking the young man [in the documentary] questions that I hadn't asked Alex."
"If it weren't for that piece," Alex affirms, "we wouldn't have this book."
After the documentary aired, Kevin approached Alex with the idea of sharing their story as an even more accessible instruction manual for families in comparable situations, particularly men who have the will but maybe not the words. Both agreed it was time to go All Out.
"Coming out is never easy," says Alex.
When people are born, they're usually placed with a pink or blue blanket and from that time forward your sexuality and who you are is determined by society. Crossing that cultural divide is a traumatic experience. [In the book] we say that society and family have moved from tolerance to acceptance, especially in America. But it takes one more step to move to embracing [gay culture]. It requires exposure and time. So kids, be patient. The moment I came out was the beginning of our story, not the end.
Father and son are now closer than ever, sharing the same gestures and jokes, even speaking so often in tandem that they practically finish each other's sentences. As the Newmans continue to spread their message, it's clear that the book is doing exactly what they hoped it would.
"The thing you're not prepared for," Kevin notes, "is that when you reveal this much to people in a book, every conversation you have afterward begins from a different level of intimacy."
Time will tell who else can embrace that intimacy, but as Kevin and Alex have learned, being truthful about yourself -- and those you love -- will set you free. Let the dawn of the new man begin.
--
All Out is now available from Penguin Random House Canada. Go to newmanallout.com for more information about Kevin, Alex, and book-related events.