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Jaimie Etkin Headshot

'Girls' On HBO: 30 Things Girls Don't Do From Episode 1 And Episode 2

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Since its premiere earlier this month, HBO's "Girls" has become the show everyone is talking about, for better or for worse.

Though a majority of the "Girls" backlash stems from racism claims and what I presume to be jealousy towards 25-year-old creator/director/writer/star Lena Dunham, that's not my problem with "Girls." The thing I couldn't get past in the first episode was a cupcake -- or more specifically, the idea that two non-romantically involved female friends would be in the bathroom together naked in a non-gym setting: one shaving her legs atop the tub and the other taking a bath in it, while eating a cupcake. Where did she put it when she undressed to get in the bath? How does she plan on actually bathing while holding a cupcake? The questions are endless.

Cakebathgate issues aside, I think Dunham's character Hannah is a smart young woman, if not incredibly naive. But when comes to some of the things Hannah and her "girls" do and say, I'm not convinced she's as refreshingly self-aware as many claim she is (i.e. who would tell a doctor her AIDS obsession stems from "Forrest Gump" and then admit she wants the disease?).

So, presented without commentary, the 30 most unrealistic moments depicting girls in "Girls'" first two episodes, in chronological order.

Episode 2:
  1. Google "diseases that come from no condom for one second."
  2. Eat Tasti D-Lite (which is largely now called The Lite Choice.)
  3. Think that dating is only something lesbians do.
  4. Joke about drinking on an interview.
  5. Joke about online dating on an interview.
  6. Joke about date rape on interviews.
  7. Bite your finger on a job interview after making a joke about date rape.
  8. Say things like "sexually irresponsible."
  9. Move to New York because of "Rent" after 2000.
  10. Admit that they moved to New York for "Rent."
  11. Tell your doctor you fear AIDS because of "Forrest Gump."
  12. Rationalize a previous "fear of HIV" into a desire for AIDS.
  13. Tell your doctor you want AIDS.
  14. Tell your doctor you want AIDS, while she's performing your pap smear.
Episode 1:
  1. Sleep with her leg draped atop of her roommate's.
  2. Keep a cupcake in the fridge.
  3. Take a bath with said cupcake.
  4. Take a bath with said cupcake, while her roommate half-sits in the tub, shaving her legs.
  5. Take a bath, while her roommate half-sits in the tub, shaving her legs.
  6. Say, "I need to see your boobs" to someone she doesn't want to sleep with.
  7. Come up with things like the "totem of chat."
  8. List the hierarchy of the "totem of chat" on the street on her way to work.
  9. Talk about being a Carrie, Miranda, Samantha or Charlotte in 2012.
  10. Talk about the weather or her resume mid-hook up.
  11. Discuss your "shape" in front of someone you're sleeping with.
  12. Throw keys down to friends to your apartment a la "Rent."
  13. Pee with another girl.
  14. Pee with another girl who she doesn't like.
  15. Fight with another girl who is peeing who she doesn't like.
  16. Hand toilet paper to another girl who she is fighting with who is peeing who she doesn't like.

"Girls" airs on Sundays on HBO at 10:30 p.m. ET