"The Voice" kicked off this week which a serious case of the giggles and what was to come was easily the most bizarre episode of this show ever. And that includes Cee Lo's wig, his group trip to the massage parlor and his serious fauxhawks.
Initially, we're not sure why the coadges are all fighting back laughter. But once we learn, we wish we had stayed uncertain. Turns out, Cee Lo is having some gas issues.
As irritable father figure Carson tells the coadges, "Let's focus here," Christina says, "Why do you think I got this fan?" Luckily for the pop star, she has a paper fan, while Cee Lo has a mini battery-operated one. Unfortunately, no one has that one you can get in Disney World that's a bottle with a fan head because clearly they're the coolest.
Anyway, as Carson says, "Let's focus." Christina tries to turn the conversation into a serious one saying that as a coadge, you have to "go with your gut and follow your heart." Adam interrupts and jokes, "Just follow your fart?" Adam, that joke was funny 20 years ago when Budnick made a very similar one in the theme song to "Salute Your Shorts," but we're not at Camp Anawana anymore ... This is "The Voice!" Now get it right or pay the price.
And that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of this week's absurdity.
Continue if you dare ...
Team: Cee Lo
Song: "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi
Jersey pride, plus Jamar equals true love for us. As does that new little blonde dye job on his curly cues. This is definitely the most emotional we've seen Mr. Rogers get on the show and usually, we're not big on the tears, but when HIV-positive Jamar tells Cee Lo that his song "Just A Thought" helped save his life, it's hard not to feel our Grinch-like hearts swell a few sizes. And then, he says he didn't think he'd make it to 30 and he just celebrated his 30th birthday. "I'm just so glad that I didn't give up because here I am ... I'm so proud of myself," he explains. A Jon Bon Jovi song has never come from a more meaningful place.
Jaimie: "There is fire"
Chelsey: "Oh hell yeah"
Jaimie: "And acid washed jeans"
Chelsey: "Of course he does. And ... Construction workers?"
Jaimie: "Them too. And graffiti."
Chelsey: "That says his name. We get it, he's from the streets. I like his version of this though. It's different without being too different."
Jaimie: "Me too. I am loving it. But I could do without the head lamps."
Adam tells Jamar -- who we learn was the first one in all of the blind auditions -- that though he's upset at himself for not seeing Jamar's talent beforehand, he's "exactly where [he] need[s] to be" on Team Cee Lo. Blake agrees, saying, "I don't know if there's ever been a better pairing of a song with a person." And Christina adds, "You truly sang that like it was your life on the line." The typically
stone cold bitch hard ass coadge tells Jamar he's one of her favorites and "one of the ones [she's] definitely rooting for." As are we.
After having Jamar "listen to the love," Coadge Cee Lo also declares his love for the "survivor" contestant. He also calls him J and J Bird, which brings us endless joy since these are both Chelsey's nicknames for Jaimie.
Jaimie: "OH MY GOD, CHELS! JBIRD"
Chelsey: "JBIRDDDDDD. THEY'RE LIKE US"
Jaimie: "Stars ... They're just like us!"
Chelsey: "YOU'RE JAMAR AND I'M CEE LO"
Obviously. And despite the fact that Cee Lo says very little about the actual vocals, there is a lot of love going around both on screen and from our respective couches, so we're okay with it.
Later, Christina Milian
tortures us talks to Jamar's mother about how far he's come, leading Jaimie to say, "OK, Jamar's mom is killing me. Who would ever have thought I'd love a 'Voice' contestant with a neck tattoo as much as Beverly McClellan?'"
Speaking of Ms. Milian, the woman most famous for her hit "A.M. to P.M." who now does interviews in "The Voice" Sprint Lounge, is seemingly paid to talk about Twitter -- and wear some really heinous outfits. And while she's mastered No. 2 on the job requirements list, she seems to have just learned what Twitter is. Something about the way she says "blowing up all over Twitter" and "definitely trending," indicates to us that "Twitter" and "trending" were her words of the day.
Song: "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri
First up for Team Adam is everyone's favorite cubicle worker, Katrina Parker. As we listen to Katrina chat and practice with her coadge, we remember how much we love her voice (and her).
Jaimie: "I love how her voice is not what you would expect it to be."
Chelsey: "I agree. I love that raspy quality."
As Katrina's performance begins, we are given an aerial view of the contestant as she stands in the middle of a light-up pink heart, because in case we all weren't clear, the song is called "Jar of HEARTS." This is beginning to insult our intelligence. Literal lighting aside, Katrina both looks and sounds beautiful, and also looks like Adele more than ever. Adam is also definitely feeling the performance, which he lets us know by keeping his eyes closed for its entirety.
Jaimie: "She looks stunning. But Adam's eyes are still closed a minute later. I'm uncomfortable."
Chelsey: "He's praying. Let him be."
Despite Adam's weirdness, we both think that this was Katrina's best performance vocally, and it seems that the coadges agree as well. Blake tells Katrina that it was great and that he loves her rasp. Christina starts off by talking to herself, but it's almost as though she can hear us telling her to shut up because she quickly changes her tune telling Katrina that this performance proved that she is her own artist who cannot be compared to anyone else, like Adele. Cee Lo makes a joke about being constantly compared to Brad Pitt (He's so silly!) but is also impressed by Katrina.
Adam gets brutally honest when he tells Katrina, "You were not one of my favorites on my team in the very beginning." Ouch! The crowd and the other coadges are stunned.
Jaimie: "Christina would have been burned at the stake for saying that. Because she looks like a witch."
Chelsey: "Like SJP in 'Hocus Pocus' with that make-up tonight."
Adam shrugs off the gasps and goes on to tell Katrina how much she has evolved and how proud he is. Looks like Katrina may have bought herself a ticket to the semis with this performance.
Team Cee Lo: "Dancing In The Street" by Martha and the Vandellas
It's hard to articulate what happened in these three minutes of the show, but they center around one of our favorite songs from "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" (and yes, we realize this song isn't from the 1985 film starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt and Shannen Doherty, but it is on the soundtrack. Sorry, Martha or any Vandellas). Carson appears through a pixellated black-and-white filter with a metallic blazer, hipster glasses and introduces "one cool cat who actually owns a cool cat." (Purrfect shout out!) Suddenly, we're transported back to "The Corny Collins Show." In a performance that looks like "Hairspray" on acid, Cee Lo dons a wig and some striped pants -- as do some of his team members.
There are tambourines! Jamar (a.k.a. the only person who could make stripes on stripes not completely awful) is doing the mashed potato! Cee Lo is hip thrusting! Juliet is blonde and has thus become Ashlee Simpson! And there is some serious gender vocal confusion.
Chelsey: "This is unreal. Definitely rivaling last season's performance. James actually sounds good, better than I've thought of him."
Jaimie: "I was about to say he sounds like a girl, but OK."
Chelsey: "And Cheese sounded like a man so it evens out."
Jaimie: "Adam is loving it."
Chelsey: "This is all too much. The other coadges always LOVE Team Cee Lo shenanigans."
Jaimie: "Did Juliet just say 'swinging' eight times in a row? I heard, 'They'll be swinging and swinging. And swinging and swinging." She needs to throw a "swaying" and a "record's playing" in there."
Chelsey: "Words are hard."
Song: "I'm Like a Bird" by Nelly Furtado
During their oh-so-natural chat, Coadge Adam seems dead set on Mathai singing this Nelly Furtado song, though she doesn't seem sold. Probably because she was more into The Wiggles than Nelly Furtado when this single came out in 2000. Just when they have us sensing a song change, the oh-so-stubborn Adam convinces Mathai that it is the right choice, and that she will eat this song for "breakfast, lunch and dinner" to make it work.
Mathai takes the stage, as does an acrobat, flying around on strips of fabric. We definitely were not expecting this Cirque du Soleil nonsense from Team Adam.
Chelsey: "These acrobats are so subtle. Do you get it? They're FLYING. Like BIRDS. Like the song says."
Jaimie: "Yeah. I didn't know what birds did until I saw them. Also, is she wearing Adrienne Maloof hair pieces."
Chelsey: "Yeah, trying to figure that out."
We both agree that this is not our favorite Mathai performance, heightened by the fact that we're not the biggest fans of this song. Blake is first to give feedback, and of course must reference the "Captain America" acrobatics. What? Blake doesn't like the performance stuff? We're stunned. Christina was clearly not impressed with the performance, and mostly attributes it to Adam's song choice, saying that it seems like he "force fed" the song to Mathai.
Jaimie: "Is that an Alicia Silverstone bird-baby-feeding reference?"
Chelsey: "She's the worst."
Adam is unable to get past the acrobats as well, claiming that he had nothing to do with that. We're confused: Don't the coadges plan their team members' performances? Why did he not know about this? Was this some fun surprise that the producers threw in for him? Despite his (and our) confusion, he tells Mathai that it was great.
Team: Cee Lo
Song: "Just The Way You Are" by Billy Joel
It's time for the "Boston mechanic" -- as he's been referred to about 9318471039874 times -- to take the spotlight, which is particularly glowing due to the sheen off of his very greasy hair, despite his time away from the shawp.
Cee Lo wants James to focus on being a "lady killer," but these two ladies are bored out of their headband-less brains.
Jaimie: "Oh boy. I'm bored. Yawn."
But when James takes the stage -- with a faceless girl in a fake house -- he catches our attention for all the wrong reasons and they're all over his jacket.
Jaimie: "Oh wow. I just met a studded item I do not like."
Chelsey: "IT'S A FIRST YOU GUYS."
Jaimie: "It really is."
Chelsey: "Way to go, Massone. You managed to take away THE ONE THING JAIMIE LOVES."
But others aren't feeling the love either. Blake, who says he's been a James fan since the beginning, tells him, "I don't know how I feel about that." Christina agrees, but does tell James, "You have a special voice." Adam, however, says he "loved it a lot" and compares James to a "young Sinatra."
Chelsey: "I feel like it sucks at this point in the competition to not get rave reviews from the coadges because that usually means you're not going to make the cut."
Jaimie: "Yes, I agree with you. It's too late to be mediocre."
Cee Lo -- who calls James Jaime now -- is also pleased, telling the Bahstan native, "Your voice is so genuine, so sweet and so soft-spoken."
Jaimie: "He called him Jaime. Cee lo is beckoning me to the team: JBIRD, J, JAIME?! I get it. You had me at the studs (except for James')!"
Chelsey: "He's calling you to the mothership!!!!!! I'm loling imagining you on Team Cee Lo. You and Cheese shooting the shit, being roomies."
Jaimie: "First question. What's with the extra e? (And yes, I know I'm a hypocrite.)"
Chelsey: "Next question: How do you manage to be asleep and awake at the same time?"
Jaimie: "That's a question for her panel with Audrina Patridge and Kourtney Kardashian, but yes."
Song: "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears (HELL YES.)
Oh, Tony Lucca. We almost forgot about you, as you have been (understandably) flying under the radar since the verbal attack by X-Tina. Alas, Tony is back, and seemingly back with a vengeance. He and Adam boldly discuss Christina's comments from the April 9 show where she basically told Tony that he shouldn't win just because he was a Mouseketeer and has famous friends (since we were totally all voting for him for that reason).
Adam decides to use X-Tina's comments to coach Tony, and when Tony takes the stage, we are shocked to hear that he has decided to put a rock spin on former-Mouseketeer buddy Britney Spears's first big hit, "Baby One More Time." What an incredibly awesome and genius way to show up Christina: taking her advice to heart by proving that he's not "one-dimensional," while having fun and somewhat mocking her comments at the same time. Needless to say, we were overjoyed.
Jaimie: "Chelsey. This is happening. EEEEEEEEE. That's it. Winner. I'm smiling so big."
Chelsey: "Oh my gosh. F--- YES. So ballsy. So awesome."
Jaimie: "He could sound like s-- and I would love this."
Chelsey: "I haven't even been listening to his voice and I love it. Epic."
It seems as though the crowd loved it too, as, much to Carson's dismay, they go absolutely wild. Of course we go to Christina first, who is (shockingly) unable to eat her words, but instead talks about getting a Mouseketeer reunion together on "The Voice" stage.
Chelsey: "Ugh, Christina. He doesn't want to sing with you."
Jaimie: "Apologize or just shut up."
Chelsey: "APOLOGIZE OR GTFO."
Blake has a large grin on his face and tells Tony what a smart performance it was. Coadge Adam could not be more pleased with Tony (and himself), and simply tells Tony, "God I love you" and says how proud he is. This performance might just be what Tony needed to get him to the semi-finals.
Team: Cee Lo
Song: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston
Jaimie's roommate*, who was saved by coadge Cee Lo last week, wants to be a "diva-esque" artist. Cee Lo says she's "cut from [Whitney's] cloth," which is a bold statement considering the legend has only been dead for two months. We also learn that Cheesa sang this song with her brother, who has her profile silhouette-style, emblazoned on his T-shirt.
Chelsey: "Dammit she sounds good"
Jaimie: "These faces are amazing. I want so many gifs right now. And yes she does."
Chelsey: "There needs to a be a gif site dedicated solely to Cheese."
Jaimie: "Oooh nice manicure, Cheese!"
Chelsey: "Don't let her nails get you on the Cheese train"
Her very sparkly and admittedly impressive performance brings Christina and Cee Lo to their feet. "I know what it's like to sing a Whitney Houston song... and you still managed to do your own thing with it," Christina says, adding, "Team Cee Lo is where it's at."
As for coadge Cee Lo, he says Cheesa's performance had "grown woman, child-bearing strength." Disturbing, but onward.
Jaimie: "CEE LO JUST CALLED HER CHEEEEEEESE"
Chelsey: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am dying."
Jaimie: "HE SAID CHEESE and she said, 'That's me!'"
Chelsey: "This can't be real."
Jaimie: "He also just called Whitney his fairy godmother. Do you think he has seen the made-for-TV, Brandy-starring 'Cinderella' because that's so on point! This is too much. There are so many things."
Chelsey: "This is the most ridiculous episode. I LOVE it. He called her Cheese. Not over it."
Jaimie: "Again, he's beckoning us. We get it, Cee Lo. We get it."
*In our imaginary world.
Song: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
First and foremost, let's just address how awesome the term "Pipster" is. It might even rival the term "Claymate." Might.
During rehearsal, Adam tells Pip how he is a fan favorite, but that puts him at risk. Pip knows he has to really bring it this week. Adam tells Pip to "hit those notes" as opposed to ... not hitting them? Great advice, coadge!
The performance begins with Pip--sans bow tie (sad) but in tight white pants (yes!)-- at a wooden piano. It's a simple performance, but then the band kicks in and Pip is out and about on stage.
Jaimie: "His skin is like a baby's bottom."
Chelsey: "Always with the pants. It's so Joe Jonas."
Jaimie: "But like Joe Jonas with bow ties and belts and tucked in shirts."
Chelsey: "Yes. Preppy instead of rocker."
Jaimie: "You just called Joe Jonas a rocker."
The performance seems to get more disappointing as it goes on, and the end definitely leaves something to be desired. Blake is livid over the lack of bow tie, claiming that Pip without a bow tie is like "me without alcohol." For anyone who follows Blake on Twitter, it puts things in perspective as to how important that bow tie is. Adam doesn't seem too overjoyed with the performance either, which definitely means that Pip could be on the chopping block.
Team Adam: "Instant Karma" by John Lennon
Team Adam takes the stage in a performance that could probably be considered the exact opposite of Team Cee Lo's earlier production. It's like their performance is the cool down to the workout that was Team Cee Lo's performance.
Pip (and his suspenders) are behind the keyboard, Tony plays guitar, the girls sing and Adam plays the drums. Maybe these five should just form a band! Jaimie points out that the group performances are fun because "you hear right away everyone's different voices."
Adam seems to take a page out of coadge Blake's book for his performance, sitting back and letting his team have the spotlight.
Jaimie: "Adam is having his Bieber/Nick Jonas moment on the drums."
Chelsey: "Haha yes. Just lovin' life back there."
Team: Cee Lo
Song: "Crazy" by Aerosmith
Cee Lo: "You're so accomplished to me."
Juliet: Blank stare.
Cee Lo: "You're 25."
Juliet: Blanker stare.
Cee Lo: "Why aren't you on a plaque somewhere?"
Juliet: Blankest stare.
Then, Juliet finally speaks and reveals it's been a "massive struggle." She "was told no a lot" and got her "first deal when girl bands were popular" so it didn't work out. Cee Lo says her tone is very similar to Steven Tyler's (a.k.a. rival "American Idol" judge). "At one point, I thought this would never happen and it's happening," she explains before taking the stage in some somber Victoria's Secret angel wings.
Chelsey: "Mathai should have had those. It would have helped us to understand her performance."
Jaimie: "This is not Juliet's best. I think she's forgetting about the vocals and just kinda rocking out."
Blake says, "That was a double bonus for me because you sounded great and it brought back memories of this past fall in duck season." We only know Nintendo Duck Hunt, but on to Christina who says Juliet is fabulous and "it's almost like [she] black[s] out" when she's on stage.
And after creepily calling her his red corvette, Cee Lo says Juliet is "one of the hopefuls that everybody is rooting for." (Um ... Really?) He also commends her on her "wonderful attitude and command of the stage," before the camera pans to Juliet's friends and family in the audience.
Chelsey: "Her friend is SO EMO. He stood there clapping emotionlessly."
Jaimie: "I think it's her boyfriend. She took his soul to make those wings so he's sad."
Chelsey: "I like your Juliet Siimms fan fic."
Team Cee Lo Elimination
When it came time to send one of his team members home, Cee Lo read something from his Blackberry that he wrote about it being a "bittersweet" evening because he's "having to leave a loved one behind." The
speech writer coadge adds things like, "[I'm] honored and indebted to you for trusting in me" and, "If one of us wins, we all win." He warns the voted off contestant to not lose contact with him, but "due to the performances tonight," he opted to let James Massone go, leaving Jamar Rogers, Juliet Simms and Cheesa to continue on. The Cheese does not stand alone. Cee Lo told James, "I gotchu" and the two exchanged "I love you's" after the elimination round. The letterman jacket lovers and co-ladies killers got us thinking.
Jaimie: "They need to do an 'Outsiders' remake with James as Ponyboy."
Chelsey: "Stay gold, Massone."
Team Adam Elimination
After tonight's performances, it's pretty clear that Adam's decision is between Mathai and Pip. He thought he "knew how it was going to go down," but after the evening's performances, things changed. "This is a stupid thing that we have to do this, but unfortunately, it's part of the job," Adam said. He "dittoed" Cee Lo's comments and eventually, after his usual nervous rambling, he eliminates Pip, saving Mathai, Katrina Parker and Tony Lucca to face America's vote. Pip Pip Hooray no more. We're sad to see him go, but after tonight's performances, it was the fair choice. Nonetheless, #4everAPipster.
Did the coaches make the right decision? Weigh in in the comments!