It's been a big day for "The Voice" -- we learned that after the show's current Season 3, Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo Green will be played by Shakira and Usher respectively. Apparently, the producers didn't want to approve of anyone with more than one name.
But for now, we're going to enjoy Cee Lo's silky ensemble, the will-it-won't-it cleavage, Christina's fan and lack of bottoms, and of course, Lady, Purrfect's pet companion.
It's possible that Purrfect resurfaced at the start of tonight's episode ... or it could have been a trick, like when your parents by you a similar colored animal after one dies.
Monday's episode was full of what we thought were largely shitty auditions, some of which the coadges loved. Read below to find out who made us wonder if those in the red chairs didn't have functioning ears.
"Toxic," Britney Spears
It might not be Melanie Martinez's fault she's so gap toothed, but it is her fault that her hair looks like a Halloween checker board. The rest of the 17 year old's outfit, however, hair accessory included (so says bow-enthusiast Jaimie), is quite adorable.
She shows Carson -- who happens to know about her hobby -- photos she's taken on the Sprint tablet. The product placement is about as subtle as Melanie's image in which butterflies in one's stomach symbolize nervousness.
Moving on from photography, Melanie's rendition of Britney Spears' "Toxic" is certainly unique. With her quirky rasp -- think Dia Frampton, but weirder -- and her guitar on her lap and tambourine between her feet, Melanie made an impression, leading Adam and Blake to turn around almost simultaneously and Cee Lo following towards the end of her 90 seconds on stage. "See? I told you not to worry," Carson says, once again trying to make himself sound useful.
Jaimie: "OK. I have an asshole question. Why does she need to hold a tambourine between her feet if there is a whole band playing percussions?"
Chelsey: "I never understand why they try to go all crazy with their blind auditions. Like when the guy from Dreamstreet danced and stuff. They can't SEE you. Why make it harder on yourself?"
Footsie tambourine aside, Adam heard Mealnie's "creative vision" and some Bjork. But Blake quickly retaliates, saying that he was only hearing her because she doesn't sound like anyone else. He thinks she's a star. Cee Lo throws around a few "amazing's" and "awesome's" before Adam douchebaggedly defends his former comment.
Christina pretends that because she didn't want to fight with the boys, she didn't press her button.
Ultimately, she chooses Adam -- because although she has the pipes, her ears are perhaps a little off. Then he bites his fingers playfully and offers a, "Did I do that?" Urkel-style.
"Isn't She Lovely," Stevie Wonder
After marrying his high school sweetheart at an early age, things weren't exactly working out for Texas native Brian and the mother of his two children. The couple parted ways and Brian was left to take care of his young daughter and son.
Chelsey: "I would totally rent kids to go on this show"
Jaimie: "And tell your husband to keep his mouth shut."
Chelsey: "'Hey babe. I need you to go into hiding for six months. K?' Or, if I were a real dbag, I would just divorce him for the sake of being on this show."
Single father (as seen on TV) Brian learned that singing doesn't pay the bills so he has a day job, but his passion for music hasn't died. His kids and mother -- a "broad" whose presence initially baffled Chelsey -- watch adorably as Brian dares to venture into "Stevie Wonderland" (Cee Lo's word). Adam, Blake and Cee Lo press their buttons within seconds of one another, but -- as with Melanie -- Christina is a no-go.
Blake tries to win Brian over with their similarities -- beards, vests, Texas, jeans. Adam mocks Blake and then says Brian killed it noting that it's great that he doesn't look the part. Then he drops the "I know Stevie" bomb and Blake moans. Cee Lo asks how the song connected to Brian, knowing Stevie wrote the song for his Daughter and Brian told his story.
He came in thinking he was going to choose Cee Lo, who's looking quite disinterested, but then -- after a cliffhanging commercial break -- he goes with Adam. Ugh.
Chelsey: "Cee Lo is completely uninvolved."
Jaimie: "He's like, 'Whut? Where's Purrfect? I ditched her? Oh. Sad."
Chelsey: "Somebody bring me a bird or something."
Jaimie: "Preferably pink ... and endangered."
"E.T.," Katy Perry ft. Kanye West
After showing us a montage of really bad duos, we were expecting to be introduced to a jaw-droppingly awesome duo. That is not what happened. Instead, we got Beat Frequency, a couple who look like porn stars, but actually, they met at church. Things get worse as their video package continues as the male half of Beat Frequency tells us that his female counterpart was "pursuing a career in sports dancing" before they decided to pursue music full time.
Chelsey: "SPORTS DANCING? That was just said. WHAT?"
Jaimie: "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN"
Chelsey: "Also, the guy looks like he's trying to be a white Pitbull."
Before they hit the stage, female Beat Frequency can't hold back her tears because she's so excited.
Jaimie: "Is she so excited that she's crying? Or sad because she's so heinous?"
Chelsey: "The latter. Definitely the latter."
Jaimie: "I feel like they're going to get picked."
Unfortunately for every single person who watches this show, Jaimie is correct and Christina presses her button very early on despite the miserable performance.
Jaimie: "OH NO. CHRISTINA. ARE YOU SERIOUS?"
Chelsey: "I HATE YOU CHRISTINA. They are so gross."
Jaimie: "I don't ever want to see them again."
Though no other coadges push their buttons (thank GOD), the confusion continues when Adam tells them that he couldn't tell that a duet was happening.
Chelsey: "I legitimately want to fast forward."
Jaimie: "Were their ears on? I feel like I've entered another world. And I hate it. I miss earth. And the Milky Way."
Chelsey: "It's su-per-nat-u-ral. Ex-tra-terr-es-tri-al."
"Here for the Party," Gretchen Wilson
Before we meet this very rare blonde-haired country singer, Blake tells the judges behind the scenes that he's planning on using his Academy of Country Music Award as a secret weapon and it may just be used on this 25-year-old songstress. "It could 'come in useful,'" he says. We think he means handy.
Anyway, we learn that when she was 19, Mississippian Liz dropped out of college to work retail and wait tables in Nashville in the hopes of persuing her dreams, proving she's very practical. Liz's skort -- yes, a skirt/short combination item popular in the 90s and still among golfers and tennis players -- and her voice win over Adam, Christina and Blake.
Jaimie: "Is she wearing a skort? This is getting even worse."
Chelsey: "HAHA SKORT."
Jaimie: "She is. Isn't she?"
Chelsey: "This is miserable. It's happening. I didn't even know they still made those."
Jaimie: "Guess they do because Liz Davis found one."
Country charmer Blake does whip out his ACM award and Adam says Liz achieved a first -- making him want to turn around after she said, "Alright," before she even sang. Christina makes it a point to say she pressed the button first and adds that Liz woke her up.
A "humbled" Liz decides to stick to her genre and goes with Blake, who hands her his ACM.
"Just the Way You Are," Bruno Mars
When we are teased with YouTube sensation J.R. Aquino before the commercial break, we are excited to find out who the next pseudo-celeb auditioning this season will be. But then, upon our return, this Alaskan non-Eskimo is a little more cocky than we would have liked. The fact that his video package involves multiple shots of him staring at himself in a mirror certainly doesn't help. But it's OK, because his parents are super cute and SUPER enthusiastic.
We were kind of expecting his performance to blow us away. One of the top 100 YouTube musical artists with the most subscribers with 45 million views!? Come on! But instead, we just kind of felt "eh" about the whole thing. Soon enough, J.R. catches the ear of not one, but THREE coadges! What is happening tonight!? All of the coadges except for Blake turn around, and fight to have J.R. on their team while we yawn. Adam even tells him that he sounds like Bruno!
Jaimie: "NO HE DID NOT! Bruno is soooo much better."
Chelsey: "I KNOW. If Bruno watched/knew of this show, I bet he would be real pissed right now."
Cee Lo is the only one to give J.R. some well-deserved constructive criticism, and we guess J.R. respects him for that or something? Whatever. He chooses Cee Lo and Cee Lo looks just as shocked as we were when J.R. turned three chairs around.
Jaimie: "Cee Lo is like 'HUH? This is happening?' "
Chelsey: "Like he didn't even know he was in the running."
Luckily, our main man Carson makes it all better when he brings J.R. backstage to see his family and enters with his new go-to line, "You guys know this guy?" Classic dad, repeating a joke even when it wasn't funny the first time.
Team: Cee Lo
"Stand By Me," Ben E. King
So Nicholas David's deal is that he used to be overweight because he loved booze, but now he got over that and is getting back on the straight and narrow with a family. He hopes to send out a "message of healing and hope to a larger audience." To be honest, we're kind of distracted by Nicholas' story because he's so confusing to look at.
Chelsey: "He looks like Santino from 'Project Runway' ... if Santino were straight and alt."
Jaimie: "That pant color makes him look Muppet-y."
But then, the 31-year-old Minnesotan starts singing, and we re-focus our energy on "THE VOICE," which is pretty damn good -- and weird in a good way. Coadge Cee Lo agrees and presses his button, and though he's the only one, we're still happy about it. It seems like a good match.
Backstage, Papa Carson is still going strong, bringing Nicholas back into the viewing room and calling out, "Hey! Look who I found!" It gets better every time, Dad.
Team: Cee Lo
"The Climb," Miley Cyrus
Brooklyn-born high schooler Alessandra has some very proud family members supporting her and her heavy New York accent. The 17 year old goes to LaGuardia High School, where "Fame" was set. She didn't tell her classmates she was auditioning out of fear of the results, but when Alessandra takes the stage to fly (high), she looks quite confident in her tight white pants and a low-cut top.
Chelsey: "Her whole outfit is straight out of 'In The Heights.'"
Her rendition of the Miley Cyrus classic -- it is three years old, after all -- is beautiful and gets Adam to turn his chair around and eventually Cee Lo as well.
Chelsey: "People who seriously sing 'The Climb' are people I want to be friends with."
After the guys find out how old she is, the men all feel ashamed for their presumed dirty thoughts and Cee Lo -- who probably planned on just talking about how hot she was -- has little legitimate feedback to offer once he finds out he's a minor.
Christina said the high schooler was too sweet for her liking and since it's the best of the options she has, Alesssandra goes "wid" Adam.
"I have a present for you," Carson creepily says as he lets Alessandra in the room to reunite with her family.
"Without You," Usher
Since this is "The Voice," we know that during the blind auditions, the final contestant of the night is always supposed to blow us away with both their voice and their moving story. Avery fits this mold perfectly. While the 16 year old was growing up (so, like, last week?), he used to dance in public and sing in private, but his father encouraged him to take his singing public as well. On behalf of the rest of 'Merica, we thank you for this, Papa Wilson, because Avery is awesome.
Chelsey: "Oh he is GOOD."
Chelsey: "Aw, and he's humble."
The coadges all are very impressed by Avery's raw talent, though it takes Blake a little longer than the others to turn his chair around. All of them give Avery their spiels and ultimately he is swayed by our favorite animal lover, Cee Lo.
Team: Cee Lo
In addition to tonight's successes, we were also exposed to some singers who didn't quite make the cut.
"Cupid Shuffle," Cupid
One of these failed singers was "Cupid," who we all know from his hit Cha Cha Slide-replacing song "Cupid Shuffle."
Jaimie: "This is so sad. So so so so sad."
Chelsey: "This defined my freshman year of college. Why is this happening? Why is this season so depressing? They're just gathering all of my idols from my youth who are now failures. Who is next? Joey Fat-one?"
Jaimie: "At least the whole room is doing the Cupid Shuffle."
After Cupid rants about how his No. 1 hit doesn't show his vocal range, HE PERFORMS THE SONG. Because that makes perfect sense. Unfortunately for Cupid, the coadges are unimpressed, and Cee Lo is legitimately confused when he sees that the man who was so bold to perform "Cupid Shuffle" on "The Voice" is Cupid himself. Then, Cupid talks about how "Cupid Shuffle" pigeon-holed him, which is literally the opposite of explaining why he chose to sing "Cupid Shuffle." It's all so uncomfortable. And dumb.
"U Got It Bad," Usher
Another of tonight's featured failures is baseball-enthusiast Tyler Lillestol. Tyler was invited to the blind auditions while singing the national anthem at a Dodgers game. All of a sudden, Carson Daly is on the Jumbotron with a blind audition invite! It's all happening! After way too many baseball metaphors and words of encouragement from his mom (if you call, "Kick some ass. Let's go" motherly encouragement), Tyler fails to wow the coadges with his rendition of Usher's "U Got It Bad." We do, however, respect this super white fella for giving Usher a shot.
"Turn the Beat Around," Vicki Sue Robinson
Agina (We won't even touch that name ...) is surprised by none other than big man on campus Carson Daly while working at some fancy tennis club. He busts through the doors to tell Agina that she can stop folding towels ... She's coming to "The Voice!"
Chelsey: "Carson's shining moment for the night. 'Stop folding towels, poor girl! I will now make your dreams come true! Look at this novelty! Me, Carson Daly, folding a TOWEL!'"
Jaimie: "'It's a wrap! ... I made a towel joke.'"
Agina explains how she had a record deal but it fell through. Luckily, her parents are super supportive, etc. etc. She says that she doesn't want to cry as she pretty much forces tears to fall down her face, and then hits the stage with an incredibly over-the-top performance. All we can say is, "Whoa." After none of the coadges turn their chairs, Christina becomes the unlikely voice of reason when she tells Agina that it was a 10 the whole time and she didn't show range. Amen, gurl.