Huffpost Comedy

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Jake Goldman Headshot

Additional Interrogation Reports Released Detailing Cheney's Personal Torture Techniques

Posted: Updated:

Case No. 4689 - Former VP Dick Cheney v. Room Full of People Who Kind of Look Like They Have, At the Very Least, Thought About Al Qaeda.


VP Dick Cheney was walking back from Chik-Fil-A after a hearty lunch, (Note: VP Cheney was very amused by the "Eat Mor Chikin" Cow posters, and had a Secret Service guard steal the kiosk for Cheney's bedroom) when he saw several young men with beards and Che Guavara shirts on, sitting on benches. Some were listening to iPods (probably a loop of a person screaming) and the others were reading (Probably books that said a lot of things about "American Infidels.")

VP Cheney spoke into his wrist and said "Hey, C.I.A., I need you to do a sweep of the mall lawn. I've got some interrogatin' to do." He then laughed for about seven minutes and was then told by his security detail that he did not have a microphone or any kind of wireless device in his shirtsleeve, so he was talking to no one.

Cheney then took the matter into his own hands and caught all the "suspects" in a large net he was carrying in his briefcase (Note: it was the ONLY thing in his briefcase).

Cheney then took the suspects to a Super 8 motel and tried the following methods of Interrogation, Cheney-style. (Note: not authorized by the C.I.A. or, anyone really).

-Sung the entire Patsy Cline greatest hits album. (also dressed up like Patsy Cline)
-Milkboarded (same as waterboarding, just with milk)
-Grimaced at suspects for an hour
-Danced shirtless and yelled
-Took out several bonesaws and repeatedly said "I know how to use these, and I am not afraid." (Note: never used any bonesaws, was probably afraid).
-Read them his manuscript "Oversteppin' My Boundaries (And Feelin' Fine)"

Apparently, the memoir reading worked and when VP Cheney got to chapter 19 "I Knew There Was a Confederate Flag Hanging in That Lodge and I didn't--and Still Don't--Give A Shit," one of the suspects leapt up and yelled "Please, please stop. We're just a lo-fi rock band from Brooklyn. We're playing the Lizard Lounge tonight. Please, let us go."

VP Cheney then, took a hair sample from each band-member/suspect and released them from the interrogation room.

He was later spotted at the Lizard Lounge, watching the show, cradling and kissing a Bonesaw. One onlooker saw Cheney feeding the saw a shot of whiskey.

The band never played another show again.

Around the Web

MoveOn Torture Ad Highlights Cheney For Investigation

The Raw Story | Cheney admits authorizing detainee's torture

SFGate: World Views : Confirmed: Cheney's Role in Approving Torture

Cheney wants CIA files for memoir - Mike Allen and Josh Gerstein ...

Commentary: Cheney says U.S. can torture but can't heal -

Vice President for Torture

White House Denies Cheney Endorsed Torture - CBS News

Clinton: Cheney Not a Reliable Source

Investigating Bush-Cheney Torture Policies "By the Book"

Rice and Cheney Approved Waterboarding: They Have Some Explaining ...

Disgraced commander calls out Cheney for 'scapegoating' Abu Ghraib ...