Additional Interrogation Reports Released Detailing Cheney's Personal Torture Techniques

Case No. 4689 - Former VP Dick Cheney v. Room Full of People Who Kind of Look Like They Have, At the Very Least, Thought About Al Qaeda.

Notes:

VP Dick Cheney was walking back from Chik-Fil-A after a hearty lunch, (Note: VP Cheney was very amused by the "Eat Mor Chikin" Cow posters, and had a Secret Service guard steal the kiosk for Cheney's bedroom) when he saw several young men with beards and Che Guavara shirts on, sitting on benches. Some were listening to iPods (probably a loop of a person screaming) and the others were reading (Probably books that said a lot of things about "American Infidels.")

VP Cheney spoke into his wrist and said "Hey, C.I.A., I need you to do a sweep of the mall lawn. I've got some interrogatin' to do." He then laughed for about seven minutes and was then told by his security detail that he did not have a microphone or any kind of wireless device in his shirtsleeve, so he was talking to no one.

Cheney then took the matter into his own hands and caught all the "suspects" in a large net he was carrying in his briefcase (Note: it was the ONLY thing in his briefcase).

Cheney then took the suspects to a Super 8 motel and tried the following methods of Interrogation, Cheney-style. (Note: not authorized by the C.I.A. or, anyone really).

-Sung the entire Patsy Cline greatest hits album. (also dressed up like Patsy Cline)
-Milkboarded (same as waterboarding, just with milk)
-Grimaced at suspects for an hour
-Danced shirtless and yelled
-Took out several bonesaws and repeatedly said "I know how to use these, and I am not afraid." (Note: never used any bonesaws, was probably afraid).
-Read them his manuscript "Oversteppin' My Boundaries (And Feelin' Fine)"

Apparently, the memoir reading worked and when VP Cheney got to chapter 19 "I Knew There Was a Confederate Flag Hanging in That Lodge and I didn't--and Still Don't--Give A Shit," one of the suspects leapt up and yelled "Please, please stop. We're just a lo-fi rock band from Brooklyn. We're playing the Lizard Lounge tonight. Please, let us go."

VP Cheney then, took a hair sample from each band-member/suspect and released them from the interrogation room.

He was later spotted at the Lizard Lounge, watching the show, cradling and kissing a Bonesaw. One onlooker saw Cheney feeding the saw a shot of whiskey.

The band never played another show again.

 

 

 

Comments

[dynwitch]

03:29 PM on 04/24/2009

Dick Cheney: You are a laughingstock. We will be making jokes about you for a good 50 years to come.

[inthedesert]

09:53 AM on 04/24/2009

It's really curious to me that Reid and Obama do not want an investigation of Bush's policies re torture.
The American people are demanding some answers, just as we did in the banking meltdown and subsequent "rescue"(gift of billions in taxpayer money). For America to salvage our reputation world wide as a freedom-loving democracy and world leader we need to get all of this stuff out in the open, hold hearings and if necessary call Cheney, Rove, Rice and others to testify about what went on. For Obama to do anything LESS than encourage full disclosure would seriously compromise his credibility in the minds of many Americans who supported his election. I think many Americans WANT TO KNOW ALL the dastardly deeds the Bushies did while in office....and Cheney is the most dastardly of them all!!!
And more importantly, we want to see those who committed crimes put in jail.....NO MATTER who they are.

[Chip W]

01:54 AM on 04/24/2009

With "Room Full of People Who Kind of Look Like They Have, At the Very Least, Thought About Al Qaeda," you trivialize our definition of the enemy. It's much more than that.

We're talking about people who are terrorists! And people who look like they might be terrorists, and people who look like they might know someone who might look like they might know someone who might be a terrorist.

We have a very narrow definition of "the enemy."

[felisa11]

12:38 AM on 04/24/2009

cheney's is trying to keep his sorry old arse out of jail

[dems08]

11:36 PM on 04/23/2009

Grimaced at suspects for an hour....

that would do it for me!!

[strangerinthenight]

09:44 PM on 04/23/2009

We need to ratchet up the pressure as the President is just about ready to pull the plug on the investigation.

[unite4change]

12:49 AM on 04/24/2009

The Department of Justice determines whether to proceed in matter, not President Obama. You are obviously listening to the MSM too much.

The United States Department of Justice (DOJ) is a Cabinet department in the United States government designed to enforce the law and defend the interests of the United States according to the law and to ensure fair and impartial administration of justice for all Americans (see 28 U.S.C. § 501).

[TheBurdicks]

04:58 AM on 04/24/2009

Who has executive authority over the Department of Justice, an element of the Executive branch of the United States government?
Why ..... that would be ..... uh ....., Oh, President Obama!
So, who decides?
Why ..... that would be ..... uh ....., oh, The Decider.
Yup, President Obama!
We really "...do need to rachet up the pressure..." on our President so he can't just "...pull the plug...".

[champions1]

07:21 PM on 04/23/2009

Let the trial begin....C H E N E Y.....R o v e.......R I C E......R U M S F E L D.....A S H C R O F T ..... G O GO GO G O N Z O...Y O O ....B Y B E E ...YES, let the games begin

[Kaviraj]

05:35 PM on 04/23/2009

This supposed to be funny?

[jimmyjones22]

08:32 PM on 04/23/2009

I lol'd

[larmar]

09:22 PM on 04/23/2009

Well, Jerry Ford is not around to pardon them, and they didn't think to have DaBaYah pardon them before he left office. So ya, it is kind of funny, because they have to own up to what was done under the table while they were in office.

[tbone99]

05:32 PM on 04/23/2009

All he'd need to do to scare the beans out of anyone is tell them "we're going duck huntin, get your boots"

[larry278]

07:04 PM on 04/23/2009

How about quail or humming birds? They are harder to hit than ducks. If you use 10 gage shot guns at a game farm, the kills are clean. There won't be anything left of what you shoot. Eat porterhouse steaks, not birds, at the huning lodge. The steaks will absorb the alcohol you drank during the hunt. And, hey, if you hit a hunting buddy, you don't need to send him to a hospital. He will be dead in 10 seconds. You don't want adverse publicity for a friendly session of hunting & drinking.

[OhgReaTone]

04:48 PM on 04/23/2009

Justice is seldom easy. No case goes to court unless there is a dispute. The purpose of the judge and the jury is to sort out the facts and pass a fair and impartial judgment. DICK Cheney should not go away just yet - he should go away by way of a trial. ....................

http://thefiresidepost.com/2009/04/23/the-two-edged-sword-of-justice/