My Minneapolis Getaway!

05/25/2011 12:45 pm ET

Greetings, Internet!

Now, as many of you know, I like to take some R&R every August in the Midwest with my cousin Glen. Ah, the Midwest. Fried foods, great accents and suspenders EVERYWHERE! This year was going to be hard to top after last year's Quad City Bender Glen and I had. We decided to take it to the streets in the Twin Cities!

In the car we sang the entire Beauty and the Beast soundtrack and talked about what our future weddings will look like! Mine is going to have Panda-theme! Anyhow, we were overjoyed to be going to Minneapolis and St. Paul to experience the Mall of America and a lack of Jews. [They're everywhere in our family, LOL!]

However, when we pulled into town...we were met with a little resistance:

Whoa! Take it easy boys. I know Glen and I are LEGENDARY partiers [last year we skateboarded after midnight in a garden!!!!] but that's just Red Bull in the backseat, LOL!

Well, we had to take a bit of a detour and ended up getting lost...

Ah! Minnesota? Why must your signs be hand painted and CRAZY?! We finally found a place to stay and drop our bags and were ready to hit the town! "Hopefully Hairspray is playing somewhere onstage," Glenn said excitedly. I was thinking the exact same thing!

So, I thought I'd pick up a local newspaper to see just what the wild nightlife would be like:

Oops! Looks like these issues are flying pretty fast! Must be a Q&A in there with Matisyahu. I don't blame them! Well, it's safe to say Glenn and I were pretty beat at this point so we wandered around looking for a nice spot to sit:

Well, better luck next time, I guess!

If there's one thing we love doing more than ANYTHING on these wild trips it's seeing if our department stores from our hometown are anything like the CRAZY midwestern shops. One time, we found a plastic fish that was also a pen!!! So, we decided to head to the local Macy's and boy were they having a sale!

A glass sale, apparently! There were people in face bandanas that were VERY angry. Maybe because they were mad they didn't get to the sale any sooner?

It's safe to say at this point that our fabulous vacation wasn't going so fabulous. But, if there's one thing that cheers us's playing frisbee in a park! We found a beautiful spot but of course...

There was a crazy flying clown convention going on!!!

That's me wondering what all these crazy people were doing. Well, I'll tell you: Not playing frisbee, that's for sure!!!

The local bike police-gang are revving up for their yearly charity bike race. Fun!

A lot of people had signs in this park saying outrageous things. I guess if you're going to make a sign, it might as well be crazy and wild. Though, if I were going to make one, I'd write something REALLY INSANE like "I EAT BUTTER! RAW!"

Well, when you put it on a kite, it's probably true!

I agree! Stop it, 19th century industrialists!

Well, I'm not really for war but I AM for super-robots--which is what I think they're trying to say here. If you combine George Bush with John McCain into some kind of super-robot power, war will never end. That's probably true because no one would know what to do and they'd always be starting wars because, I mean, what else do you to do unruly robots, hellbent on destroying the universe?

Yeah, right, Minnesota! I'd like to see that!!!

I didn't know this!!! Eek!

Well, we never did get to play Frisbee or go to Macy's or anything cool like that. But, all was not lost:

Pork DOES rule.
It really, really does.
Thanks Minnesota!