THE BLOG
11/15/2005 02:39 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

11 Jordanian Leaders in Search of a Bullhorn

The "breaking news" bulletin just flashed over cnn.com that 11 Jordanian leaders, including the national security chief, have resigned in lieu of the bombings in Amman. Resign because they failed to protect their country? Give up their jobs simply because a few people died? It's a tragedy -- these guys just simply don't understand modern politics and how to deal with terrorism. They don't understand that they've got their own little war on terror right there and they need to stay the course. Here's a few quick pointers on how to turn the attacks in Amman into a shining moment for Jordan's leaders.

First, totally ignore the fact that perhaps you could have done anything to prevent the attacks. C'mon on, bombers happen. This is your chance to stand up and position yourself as the single hope of the Jordanian people. "Follow me or this will happen again. Vote for the other guy for king and literally this will happen every week." (See Dick Cheney October 2004 press comments for helpful hints.) If anyone bothers to question you on how did it happen in the first place or what have you done to protect the Jordanian people since the attacks, accuse them of supporting human-camel marriage.

Second, wave the Jordanian flag. Speak of the pride of the Jordanian people. Immediately implement the Jordanian Patriotic Act, take away liberties from everyone and if you have time, open a few more secret prisons. If anyone asks how taking away liberties can be construed as protecting people, accuse them of flip flopping and being unpatriotic. And of supporting human-camel marriage.

Third, blame the French Canadiens and invade Quebec. Surely one of the bombers went to a meeting somewhere where there once was somebody from Canada and being Jordanian, having a milder place to go in the summer would be most useful. On second thought, don't even try to find a link. Just make one up, repeat as necessary and get the Jordanian National Guard ready to sing "Oh Canada."

Finally, you gotta get a bullhorn. It's been a few days now the bombings and Bill Clinton has already been there -- but don't worry, he beat George Bush to Ground Zero too. It's not a problem. Grab a bullhorn, and start preaching. Talk about taking the war to the extremists. Talk about defending Jordan by invading defenseless countries on the other side of the world (see Canada advice above.) Make sure you use the following phrases for maximum effect, "dead or alive," "bring it on" and "mobile bio-terrorism labs." Send Colin Powell to the United Nations. Get George Tenet to call the Bomber-Quebec link a "slam dunk." Ignore the French.

Don't show any weakness. Make sure the press repeats the phrase "Strong leader." Repeat as necessary. Fight against an independent commission to learn what went wrong and how the bombers managed to pull of this attack in the first place. If a commission happens anyway, immediately change course and claim credit for it.

Don't worry if your invasion of Canada turns that country into anti-Jordanian breeding ground -- that just proves how right you were. And always remember: you didn't let your country down, you're saving your country from this stuff happening like happened when you were in charge -- there's a big difference, just ask W.