Cheney: Lurking Everywhere to Serve You Better

So now it's confirmed: Dick Cheney isn't a part of the executive branch because he serves in the Senate, and he isn't part of the legislative branch because, well, he thinks they're a bunch of chumps. He stands alone. He's accountable to no one, a force unto himself, a guy who doesn't just bend the rules -- he makes the rules cry "You my daddy!" before he breaks them on a waterboard.

In the movies, we'd be cheering a lone wolf like this. It'd be a perfect role for Vin Diesel. Maybe the reason Cheney seems so scary-pathetic now is that his role hasn't been spun to make it more appealing. Here's some spitballs to throw against the Constitution to see if they stick:

Cheney as Dark Vigilante: Think Batman, but without the disturbing image of Spandex. Cheney is a man driven by inner demons who needs to step outside the law to dispense justice. Or is it, dispense with justice? Who cares? See that terrorist hiding in the Good Humor truck?

Cheney as National Ombudsman: Every Newspaper and local TV station has one of those "action reporters" who cuts through red tape to get wedding deposits refunded and abandoned cars towed. Dick is that kind of go-to guy, but only if you own an oil company.

Cheney the Bargain: He sweats out two roles -- vice president and president of the Senate -- for the same salary, thus saving the taxpayers money! Plus, it's a double savings if we don't have to pay for oversight.

Cheney the Multitasker: He knows the ins and outs of two branches of government, which will make it that much more efficient when he finally stages a coup d'etat.