Babies babies babies. Looks like this episode of The Fabulous Beekman Boys is all about babies. I love babies. Doesn't everybody love babies? How can you not love a baby? Even a goat baby. Looks like this is going to be fun. As usual, I will rank the events depicted on the show using a scale of goats. Five goats is good. One goat is bad. At the end, the number of goats will indicate whether I am more or less likely to follow the Beekman Boys's lead and leave New York City.
It's winter at the farm. I hate winter everywhere but in Southern California. Upstate New York is not Southern California. One goat.
Farmer John is going away for hip replacement surgery. Fuck that. If being a farmer and living in the country means your hips get destroyed, I don't want to have anything to do with it. One goat.
Farmer John leaves instructions for Brent and Josh before he leaves for the hospital. The goats are all pregnant and might have the babies while he's gone and it's cold and he doesn't want them to freeze. Brent asks about scarves for the goats. I laugh a little bit. Three goats.
Before Farmer John leaves, Brent and Josh tell him he can recover in the mansion. He normally lives in a little rancher. Ranchers are sort of depressing. Mansions are not. Three cheers for mansions and charity! Four goats.
About thirty seconds after Farmer John leaves, the goats escape and start running wild. It's cold. Brent and Josh have to catch them. No fun, though it might be in Southern California. Two goats.
Farmer John comes home. Brent, who is a doctor, agrees to help care for him and help guide him through his rehab. Brent's philosophy is more pain, more gain. I'm more of a sit around and hope everything gets better kind of guy. Two goats.
Farmer John gets set up on the couch. It's a nice couch. A big couch. He has some good blankets and pillows. I love nice big couches. I'm on one right now. Literally. Watching TV. Watching on a nice big couch is a truly wonderful activity. I'm excited for Farmer John and a little jealous. Suddenly, though, a bomb is dropped. There's no TV. No TV? No TV? No TV? One goat.
Brent brings John some books. I love books. My life, in many ways, revolves around books. The books have all been chosen by Brent. Yikes. Two goats.
Brent does doctoring. He's a good doctor. I'm very impressed with his doctoring. Until. Yes, there is an until. Until he tells Farmer John he has to sit on the couch and wrap some bars of soap. Where's the motherfucking TV? One goat.
Farmer John leaves the house. He can't take rehabbing with no TV and the pile of soap and the more pain philosophy. Apparently, living in the country means you acquire common sense in the country. Five goats.
Brent and John have a lovely moment making up after the couch debacle. Living in the country makes people nice. Four goats.
We're 24 minutes into the episode and there are no babies yet. I see an ad for next week's episode with shots of the new babies, which we haven't seen yet in this episode. Bait and switch. Josh works in advertising and should know better. One goat.
Finally, baby goats. Very very cute. Five goats.
One of the goats has been in labor for six hours. Seems the little baby is breached. That's not good for the little baby goat goat. Farmer John, however, shows some serious skills and gets the baby goat out. He's a hero! Four goats.
And then he cries. Four more goats!!!
Brent Josh and Farmer John talk about working together to save the baby goat. The country breeds teamwork!!! Four more goats again.
Total number of categories: 16
Total number of goats: 44
Average number of goats: 2.75
By the hair of a baby goat, it looks like I'm moving to the country. I will be bringing a TV with me.
The docu-drama The Fabulous Beekman Boys, starring Josh and Brent, airs on Wednesdays at 9 p.m. EST on Planet Green. Learn where to tune in your area here, watch the first episode for free on PlanetGreen.com, or download all episodes from itunes. You can read all of James Frey's posts about the Fabulous Beekman Boys, in which he tries to determine if life in the country is actually sweeter, here.