The previews have been running all week. Previews that show the ghosts of Beekman. And it's episode six of The Fabulous Beekman Boys. And three sixes strung together is the sign of the beast. I have been wondering if there is a connection. If the beast is lurking at the Beekman, maybe living inside a goat and waiting to reveal himself. Or if Pokie the Llama is the beast. Or maybe one of those dudes that runs the American Hotel in Sharon Springs. If one of them was, it would be incredible, reality TV history for sure. And even if the beast isn't there, it looks like there's some serious paranormal activity going at the farm. I like paranormal activity. Ghosts, ghosts, ghosts! The Beast! Potential history, maybe even the beginning of the Holy War that ends us all. I've been waiting all week. As usual, I'll be using my goat scale to decide if what I see makes it more or less likely that I leave New York City for my own life in the country.
We get our first notion that Beekman is haunted! Go ghosts, go beast!!!! Five goats.
Josh and Brent talk about the year of sacrifice, which is the year in which Josh has agreed to stay in the city and work his day job at the ad agency while Brent gets the farm business up and running. Brent thinks he's the one making the sacrifice. I actually disagree. I'd much rather be at the farm driving around on tractor than working at an ad agency. Brent seems to win the argument, but I'm on Team Josh. One goat.
We meet Kat and Doug, a gothy couple that lives in an old church. Gothy people are cool. Gothy people who live in old churches are extra cool. The two couples carve Halloween demons out of some weird vegetable. And there is also some kind of demon in the wall above the sink at the church, which must be some kind of blasphemy. I love blasphemy. To top it off, we learn about Mary the Ghost, who might be the spirit/demon who is haunting the Beekman. It's a gothy, churchy, demony bonanza. Five goats.
Ghost hunters show up. Ghost hunters are even cooler than gothy people. They walk around the house, and Josh and Brent give them a history of its haunting. They stop them at a spot where the name Mary has been carved into floor. I get really scared. Fuck, I'm scared. That carving was done by a ghost or a demon for sure. Five goats.
Josh and Brent and the ghost hunters go down in the basement. I've been in the Beekman basement. It's scary as fuck. The last time I was down there I took a shotgun with me, a shotgun that I bought at Walmart. And it was loaded. I was ready for whatever is down there. I didn't know what the effect of a shotgun would be on a ghost or a demon, but I was ready. The ghost hunters describe the basement as a fear cage. Wow, those ghost hunters are also wordsmiths, because that is a perfect description. It's a fucking fear cage down there. While I love the idea of ghosts and demons, the reality is actually pretty terrifying. Especially in a fear cage. Even with a shotgun. One goat for the actual fear. Three goats for the impressive wordsmith action.
Everyone makes it out of the basement alive. No major paranormal incidents. They head out to the crypt, which is in the backyard. All of the Beekmans are buried in the crypt. For real. Their bodies are in Josh and Brent's backyard. Fuck that. I don't want anyone in my backyard. Unless it's a dude with a bag of money he wants to give me. One goat.
The ghost hunters leave and everyone is still alive. No demons or ghosts have made themselves visible. Josh and Brent go outside to chop some wood for the coming winter. Chopping wood looks kind of fun, and would definitely make me skinnier, and is much cooler than the treadmills and pilates machines in the gym in the basement of my apartment building in New York. Four goats.
Brent brings up Martha. Martha is having a gala in New York and Brent wants to go, and he wants Josh to go with him. Martha Martha Martha. I was really tired of hearing about Martha last episode, now I'm on the verge of vomiting. And a gala. Shit, man, let's get back to demons and ghosts and gothy people and ghost hunters and fear cages. Because I'm so sick of Martha, and she won't seem to go away, for the first time ever I'm giving out negative goats. Negative five goats.
Brent sells some cheese at a fancy cheese shop in New York. Fancy cheese shops are cool. Three goats.
We see some actual Martha Stewart gala action. Negative ten goats.
Josh and Brent get in a fight. There are very few things in the world more uncomfortable than watching a couple fight. Especially a couple you like. While I understand it's part of reality TV, and necessary for the show's drama, I don't like fighting couples. One goat.
It is, however, a good fight. Four goats.
We're back in the basement. Holy fuck, maybe they're finally going to show the Beast and the war to end all wars, Jesus vs. the Beast, will actually begin. I'm on the edge of my seat, edge of my seat, edge of my seat. Not going to tell you what happens, but wow. Double wow. Five goats.
Total number of categories: 15
Total number of goats: 25
Average: 1.666 (coincidence that those numbers are in there? I think not)
Definitely not leaving the city. It's too fucking scary in the country. Until next week, my friends, until next week.
The docu-drama The Fabulous Beekman Boys, starring Josh and Brent, airs on Wednesdays at 9 p.m. EST on Planet Green. Learn where to tune in your area here, watch the first episode for free on PlanetGreen.com, or download all episodes from itunes. You can read all of my posts about the Fabulous Beekman Boys on TreeHugger.