I want to be clear, I don't know television's Simon Cowell and don't interact with him but I do occasionally watch him on TV. I also watch Gordon Ramsay and BBC's The Hotel Inspectorand The Apprentice: UK. I don't enjoy the entirety of many of these shows, just the moments of raw, honest feedback. I like the moments that make others uncomfortable and, mostly, the moments that make me feel uncomfortable. I like the moments of truth.
The background to me sharing this with you now is that I was recently leading a meeting where a participant was complaining about an absent peer's workplace behavior. "Did you tell them how this affects you?" I asked. "No. They're a friend and I don't want to turn them into an enemy at work," they said.
I allowed myself a little bit of mock drama as I reacted to that statement. "In my mind," I said, "friends are the ones who tell me the truth. Enemies are the ones who lie to me." What followed was a discussion with the group members of how to have one opinion and keep the peace at work while not hurting anyone's feelings, causing conflict, etc. A true friend, I held, is one who will tell you the truth whether or not you want to hear it, whether it might endanger the status quo of the friendship or not. How do they stand a chance of changing if you're not willing to speak to your co-workers, peers and friends?
Now back to Simon Cowell. On the TV phenomenon American Idol, Simon Cowell is known for "calling it as he sees it" and not sparing contestants' feelings. They compete to be the Idol and gain a recording career and Cowell's feedback is based on his years as a successful and profitable producer. For someone who is so frequently mocked for the size of his ego he has an unusually low need for approval in those instances and would rather tell the truth and be booed than beat around the proverbial bush.
On the same judging panel, Paula Abdul, pop star and choreographer, can watch a contestant fumble through a performance and find something consolable in it and can speak such drivel that she's rumored to be "of diminished capacity" when judging. Simon, on the other hand, will say, "I don't know what the hell she just said," while the rest of the judges (and most of the TV viewers) are only thinking it. Simon, by critiquing on what the contestant could do better for next time, and therefore grow and possibly continue on in the competition, is being a true friend and Paula -- well, she's something else.
I'm not arguing for calling people names and hurting their feelings unnecessarily as world-famous chef Gordon Ramsay is known to do, but I do like his honesty. In one episode of his show, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, he confronts a co-owner of a restaurant and point blank lets him know that he, the co-owner, is the restaurant's biggest obstacle to success. The co-owner is a hulking weight lifter with a demonstrated hot temper and it seems to all that a fight is about to break out. Yet in the next moment, this object of criticism is admitting that Ramsay was only telling him what everyone else was afraid to. Ramsay had become his true friend and now at least he has a chance to make the adjustments that would lead to a better hope for the future.
The Hotel Inspector and The Apprentice: UK hold another type of fascination, but they also deal with the truth and the difficulty people have accepting it. Both shows start with the results of an actual business or challenge and it is uncanny how, in the face of those factual results, people still look to blame others, the circumstances, the economy, the weather, the "bitchiness" or some other failing of their partners or teammates. It seems that here is another group of people who are not used to the truth, possibly because they haven't had many true friends, including themselves.
So, here's to all of you true friends who tell people, "Dude, you don't sing that great" or "That sounded like a cat in a blender" and keep the rest of us from grimacing as our less than talented friends torture a song on a guitar, unaware that their mothers were using a
"love filter" when they told them how talented they were and how they should pursue a professional music career.
Thanks to the Gordon Ramsays of the world, who tell people that the reason their restaurant is having financial hard times is because the food tastes terrible, or an hotelier who tells people that having black mold in a shower stall does not count toward the aesthetic of live plants in a room. Thanks to the friends who tell you your dress is too short, your rouge is too red, you're putting on weight or you shouldn't smoke or drink so much. Those true friends are the ones who would rather have you healthy and alive than preserve a falsely held "liking contest" and call it friendship.
It's not always easy and it's not often fun and there is truth in the saying: "The truth hurts."
But there is also a popular saying that speaks to the payoff of it all: "The truth will set you free."
By the way, Simon Cowell: the t-shirts you constantly wear are not flattering. Buy a shirt next season, okay? You can afford a few.
Want to share some truths with me? Visit me at www.starofyourownlife.com, email me at james@jmlynchtraining.com, or post a comment below.
Follow James M. Lynch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JamesLynchCoach
There's nothing wrong with unconditional love. You can love someone and still take a stand that what they're doing is wrong. Unconditional love is not unbridled approval and as a parent you're constantly walking the line between support, empowerment and discipline/boundaries. I wish you the best in knowing what to do and what to say and, as I've seen, you're doing very well at it. I hope you have a few good friends to compare parenting notes for the 'too much' part of your comment. It's a tough job, handling a budding teen ego, and I wish you love and support; big job! Check out Cara Barker and Ann Naylor, also on Huffington, and I'm sure you'll get some great ideas. Judith Rich has a post on this same topic today and it goes a bit deeper than mine; it may be of good use to you.
Love you,
James
I travelled to you from Judith today!
What makes the truth especially valuable to me is when it is spoken with loving intent. Either with loving respect to myself or for another person. When I am emotionally out of balance this is much harder to do. I have in the past held back my expression for fear of - saying the "wrong" thing, losing approval, being wrong etc. As I become stronger, more loving, in myself, being truthful gets much easier. And is very rewarding.
It is wonderful that you take this truthful topic into the workplace. Many can benefit from it.
Warmest good wishes to you,
Anne
You've put it in a way that rings so true -- "As I become stronger, more loving, in myself, being truthful gets much easier . . ." Thanks for that; I wish I'd said it but I'm glad it's said. I know when I 'focus out', what I'm trying to contribute comes off much better.
Thanks for reading,
James.
I am curious about the Talmud's position on someone who isn't open to feedback, say someone who is injuring or abusing themselves, and how to effectively manage that. I will bring it up with two scholars I'm friends with and expect a worthwhile conversation. Thank you again.
My article is a bit on the 'lite' side and I want to recommend Judith Rich's posting today: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/speaking-the-powerful-tru_b_209356.html. Her writing is a 'mini seminar' on the topic of Truth and well worth the read.
Thank you, again.