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Andy Rooney Returns to CBS for Segment on What a Pain in the Ass it Is to Be Dead

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In what was hardly a surprise to most television viewers over the weekend, the late Andy Rooney, the cranky CBS commentator who closed the popular news magazine 60 Minutes for 33 years, returned via the spirit world to complain about what a pain in the ass it is to be dead. Although recently deceased at age 92 following a rich and popular public life, Rooney explained that after a long career of pointing out the irritations inherent in the minutiae of life, he felt it would be doing his fans a disservice if he did not come back for one last segment in which he was able to gripe about no longer being alive.

Here is the full text of his "final-final" segment of A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney:

I have to say, as pains in the keister go, this one is right up there. One minute, you're standing behind some scofflaw who is trying to get eleven items through the ten times or less line; next thing you know you're the main character in one of those jokes where the representatives of three different social classes are being asked a leading question by St. Peter. And if you must know, he told me the coffee break was over, and that it was time to get back on our heads. But what else could I have expected, after spending so many years of my adult life railing against the injustice of things like hand dryers that stop blowing hot air about eleven seconds before you really need them to; you know, when the webbing between your fingers is still damp, and then you have to hit the button again and so your hands get dry in eleven more seconds but then the darn thing is still blowing hot air with nobody there. You could probably take the electricity wasted on re-starts of hand dryers alone and use it to power a water filtration system for a needy third world nation. At any rate, I've only been in Heaven a couple of days, but I have to tell you I would run things a lot differently.

First of all, it's not very colorful. There is only so much you can do with vast expanses of white. Sure, back on Earth it's a shot at an Oscar for an industrious Hollywood production designer, but come on, I'm going to be here for eternity, would it kill them to put on a print robe or slap a little cadmium red on a cloud or two? And the music is soporific at best. Listen, God, we're already essentially sleeping the rest of time away, why do we need stuff like Air Supply to help us along? How about a little bebop for the love of you? Liven the place up a bit. And I'll tell you another thing, that joke you keep telling about how you can't meet with me yet because you're "on the throne" is getting old. I keep trying to tell Gabriel that I need to see you on a matter of some urgency about my roommate assignment. Honestly, what could I possibly have in common with Jim Morrison? Can't you just wait until Oliver Stone arrives and pair them up then? This place has more red tape than a TV network. I'm starting to see why that Beelzebub guy started his own franchise. So, the bottom line is departing this mortal coil is no picnic. And the pearly gates are not even all that pearly.

A spokesperson for CBS could only comment that Andy Rooney was, in the afterlife, doing what he had always done: the Lord's work.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.