Bin Laden's Been Dead for a Month and I Still Don't Have a Dental Plan

06/09/2011 03:24 pm ET | Updated Aug 09, 2011


I thought everything was supposed to get better once we got rid of the dude who tried to destroy everything we stand for. Well, sure, Barack Obama's approval rating went up and the Navy Seals got some love, but as of right now, bin Laden's been dead for a month and I still don't have a dental plan.

I know it's not your problem, but it just so happens I've developed this abscess in the lower right side of my mouth and so I had to go to a student dental clinic to get it checked out. And now I have to go back there for the procedure and it's one of those places where you have to show up at dawn just to put your name on the list and an actual part of the instructions they give you over the phone is to bring a book. I told them I was bringing Marathon Man. They didn't get it. But even if you can use the six-hour wait in the reception area to finally make up your own mind about Heaven Is For Real or whatever, there's still a good chance that even after all that time you won't get seen by a student dentist anyway, because they only let so many people in on any given day. At which point you may well also have a heart attack and briefly cross over to the other side in order to report back to the living that God couldn't do a thing about your lack of adequate health coverage.

But, come on, people, this is America. I can understand putting up with this kind of humiliating indignity while the hunt for bin Laden occupied the lion's share of the government's resources and attention, but now that he's been taken out it seems only fair that things should start improving. But, no. I still have to wait in line at the post office even though all I have is a yellow slip and everyone else is sending six electric range-sized boxes each to Europe with certified return mail and they all need detailed clarification on how to fill out the customs declaration forms. I still get charged a fee by my bank when my balance dips below, I don't know, a million dollars every month. I still haven't gone out to lunch with a friend in two years because I don't know what I'll do if they don't offer to treat. And I still don't have a dental plan.

I'll tell you what, Mr. President. It's been over a month since you nailed the bad guy. You start making everything better right now and I'll let the price of gas slide.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be seen here.