05/11/2011 01:52 pm ET | Updated Jul 11, 2011

If These Gas Prices Keep Going Up, I Swear I Will Keep Paying Them

2011-05-10-Gastank.jpgWhat to do, what to do? Every time you pull into a gas station, the cost per gallon on the product creeps up another couple of digits. I'll tell you, that 9/10ths of a cent at the end of every dollar amount is getting more and more galling. Once you're past four bucks, it's all just another dagger in the heart of your budget.

I am simply furious about this turn of events, and I'm putting my foot down right here and now. I hereby declare that if the price of gasoline keeps going up, I shall have no other option but to continue paying whatever they ask for it.

Sure, it's infuriating to know that oil companies are posting record profits. But I have places to go, damn it. And the public transportation in this town blows. No way am I getting on a bicycle. Those people are just plain nuts; they're asking for trouble. Not to mention knee injuries. Walking? Are you kidding me? Who lives nearby anything anymore? And where are you going to walk if not to someplace where you have to buy a bunch of crap which, (hello!), you will need to get home in your freaking car.

So, it's pretty clear that these greedy, yes, oily little CEOs who keep us on the crack pipe of the pump have pushed us to the very brink! Yes, the very brink...of continuing to do whatever they want as long as they don't make us jettison our automobiles. Oh, it makes me burn inside to drive up to that pump knowing wars are fought for this increasingly expensive commodity, and that now it has gotten so out of hand that I need to rethink even the most inconsequential trip because of the added expense. When I dip my ATM card into the self-serve slot I am ready to bellow with rage at where we have gotten to as an oil-dependent species. And you know what I do then? I smile, take in the goofy videos about cooking and celebrities playing on the pump display, and watch the readout climb like a digital scale that has just been stepped on by a Kodiak bear.

Now there's talk about oil company subsidies ending, but some politicians claim that will pass the added cost onto the consumer. Many analysts, though, say that as we ramp up to summer, gas prices could drop by as much as fifty cents a gallon. Now, that's the best-case scenario! Let's face it, blindly pumping gas into your vehicle and trying not to think about the sociopolitical toll it's taking on your neighborhood and the world while also ignoring how rich it is making a very small percentage of the population...all of that is much, much easier at the very reasonable price of $3.50 a gallon.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.