10/06/2013 08:31 pm ET | Updated Dec 06, 2013

It's Time for Great Britain to Take This Country Back


Some bombastic charlatan from either the Republican or Democratic parties is always bloviating about how we need to take our country back. Well, if the last few weeks have shown us anything, it's that these combative, petulant little twerps have about as much chance of taking our nation back as Miley Cyrus has of avoiding years of costly therapy.

Politicians on both sides of the aisle have had their shot at taking America back, and they have blown it. It's time to let someone else try to take us back: Great Britain. They let us go, albeit begrudgingly, a couple of hundred years ago, and we have been, to use their own evocative terminology, cocking it up ever since. It's only right that we should give them another chance, and taking us back now could work out great for everyone involved.

First of all, it would not be that difficult a transition. Almost everyone's economy is in the crapper these days, so there won't be much adjustment to make there. And, they already have their stinking commie socialist health care in place, so at least if we walked into that, ahem, pre-existing condition, we could end all the pointless ideological debate that resulted in a shutdown of our so-called government in the first place.

And then there are the cultural advantages to being part of Britain again. For one thing, Downton Abbey would be ours, rather than just some stuffy foreign import. We could finally jettison the term 'French fries' in favor of 'chips,' (although, remember, we will then need to refer to our potato chips as 'crisps'). We would get much cooler music, and perhaps after a while we would all have sexy British accents, too. Of course, British actors are already so good at doing American accents that it might go the other way. Now, granted, the Brits are not known for their cuisine, but it's really not much of a leap between a bacon double cheeseburger and bangers and mash. Plus, we would get to say "bangers and mash."

Sure, Parliamentary procedure may take some getting used to, but maybe forcing some of our politicians to wear robes would keep them honest, if you know what I mean.

Somebody has got to fulfill the promise of taking this country back, and we have shown conclusively that it is not going to be us. So the least we could do is to give Great Britain a second crack at it. I, for one, am willing to see what steps they would take to whip us into shape. So take us back, Britain. We need a fresh start, and we have nothing to lose but our rhetoric.

More of James Napoli's comedy content for the Web can be found here.