04/26/2012 12:09 pm ET | Updated Jun 26, 2012

Momentarily Confused Congress Declares War on War


During a heated debate about American military involvement in several of the world's hot spots, an as-yet unidentified member of Congress blurted out a suggestion that the United States lead the world into a new era of enlightenment by declaring a war on war.

"I don't know how it happened," said an aide to the house member too embarrassed to lay claim to the ridiculous pie-in-the-sky notion that got floated during yesterday's session. "Someone mentioned the war on drugs, someone else mentioned the war on poverty, then it was the war on terrorism and the war on Christmas and before you know it, the unthinkable happened."

"We got so impassioned that someone else even suggested we draw up a resolution to begin the war on war right then and there," said the aide, who witnessed the bizarre and regrettable display of naive idealism that seemed to suddenly overtake everyone on the floor.

"I don't know what I was thinking," said the embarrassed member of Congress, who released a statement on condition of anonymity. "I guess I just thought for, like, a second, that maybe if everyone stopped hating each other and stopped fighting over ideologies and doctrines and power and money, the world could be a really beautiful place. So I thought we should maybe sort of declare war on war. I see now what a stupid idea that is. And I'm sorry."

The abrupt onrush of New Age type weirdness apparently overtook the session of Congress for about 90 seconds before everyone got back to realizing how good war is for the economy, and accepted the fact that human beings seem to like killing each other.

The relief at not actually going through with a resolution to declare war on war was felt by members of Congress on both sides of the aisle.

Said one representative, "Phew."

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.