parNts, fellow educators, distinguished colleagues, gradu8s. w@ ^? I st& b4 u 2day as an XXX n d rm, + yrs ago, I s@ n an auditorium listnin 2 a fairly borin speakA such as Mself. LOL. I hope sum of u gotta *$ erlier n won't fall |-I. ROTMFFL.
u knw, sum ppl sA dat coz ur ll part cyber gNR8N dat uv short attn spans. bt OMG, mayB it's coz d fings we adults r sAyn R jst no longA interestin 2 u. dey sA yr gNR8N hs short attn spans. f u do, it myt B coz w@ we adults had2 say stopD bn interestin. (LMAO!)
Or it myt hav2 do W d gradual disintegration of education as a priority n USA, combiND W an ever-increasing amt of substandard poo passin 4 Ntrtamnt bn offered ^ 2 ll of u lk so mch :@) feed. DILLIGAS? itha wa, d fucha S yrz now. Ull face mnE chalNgs. +U btr damn wel hope dat u cn mEt em w/o chekin 4 FB status ^dates durin a job intRvw or seein hu RT'd u yl yr fingA S on d butN that'll discharge a nuclear warhead 2 d l8st set of ppl hu wee us off.
My hope S dat dis tx wl reach u n d spirit of yr own preferd 4m of Coms, thereby getN a msg ax TU dat u cn mor esily undRst& n makin me, n yr Iyz, prety QL 4 an old pRsN. J/K TMI!
FWIW, go 4th. Succeed. kik (_!_). n don't B fraid 2 abbrevi8 NEfin. It's jst hw u roll. B4N. L8R.
A translation of the above text follows for those parents of the graduates in the audience who would like to follow along:
Parents, fellow educators, distinguished colleagues, graduates. What up? I stand before you today as an adult in the room, and I have a comment. Years ago, I sat in an auditorium listening to a fairly boring speaker such as myself. (Laughing Out Loud.) I hope some of you got to Starbucks earlier and won't fall asleep. (Rolling on the M-F'ing Floor Laughing.)
You know, some people say that because you are all part of the Internet generation that you have short attention spans. But Oh My God, maybe it's because the things we adults had to say stopped being interesting. (Laughing My Ass Off!)
Or it might have to do with the gradual disintegration of education as a priority in America, combined with an ever-increasing amount of substandard crap passing for entertainment being offered up to all of you like so much pig feed. (Do I Look Like I Give a Sh*t? Very Big Grin!) Either way, the future is yours now. You will face many challenges. And you better damn well hope that you can meet them without checking for Facebook status updates during a job interview or seeing who retweeted you while your finger is on the button that will discharge a nuclear warhead to the latest set of people who piss us off.
My hope is that this text will reach you in the spirit of your own preferred form of communication, thereby getting a message across to you that you can more easily understand and making me, in your eyes, pretty cool for an old person. Just Kidding... Too Much Information!
For what it's worth, go forth. Succeed. Kick ass. And don't be afraid to abbreviate anything. It's just how you roll. Bye for now. Later.
James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be seen here.