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New Republican-Controlled House Demands Everyone Be Home by Eleven

01/04/2011 12:57 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

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Ohio Republican and House Speaker John Boehner made it clear that his party's intentions to buck the Democrats will not end with key issues like health care, immigration and finance reform. In a statement made to reporters early this week, Boehner laid down the law that in his House, everyone must be home by 11:00 P.M.

"As long as these Democrats are living under my roof," he said sternly, "I want them home at a reasonable hour."

He went onto say that no more will his rivals in Congress be allowed to stay out until after midnight, hanging out with bad influences from the "illegal immigration, socialized medicine and abortion crowd."

"And if they do come home late," he added, "they better have a damn good reason for it or they are going to be grounded."

"This is bull crap," offered an incensed outgoing speaker Nancy Pelosi. "He doesn't own me! I'll go out with whoever I want, whenever I want, as late as I want and he can just... urrghh! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!"

Barney Frank, outgoing chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, added, "Yeah, this is bull crap, man."

Boehner would neither confirm nor deny the rumor that Darrell Issa, incoming Oversight Committee Chair, will wait by the House door and demand that anyone coming in after eleven show proof that they were born in the United States.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the Web can be seen here.