Won't you please help me? I have a dear friend who is launching a new line of green stuffed animals, and if I donate 100 dollars to her Kickstarter campaign, she will create a thank you gift in the form of a plush toy with my face on the body of an endangered species. And then I have this other friend, a very talented filmmaker who really deserves the chance to follow through on his dream of making a documentary about stealing office supplies. Trouble is, I need the 25 bucks to donate to his Kickstarter campaign. (At that level, I will get a commemorative box of Post-It notes from the production and a special thanks in the credits.) Oh, and I almost forgot my other friends, a husband and wife team who want to raise money to self-publish their book of landscape photography. Ten bucks will get me one-of-a-kind downloadable Boreal Forest wallpaper for my desktop.
I don't know what the hell has happened in the last few months, but it seems like I am getting invitations to help my friends with their projects on Kickstarter every other day. I love these people as if they were my own blood, but I still haven't recovered from the '08 crash, and I am just too prideful to tell them that the only role I can play in subsidizing their dreams is as the person who tells them to get a damn life and stop hassling me for money.
I don't want that to happen, and I know you don't either. So I come to you now to ask, humbly, but in a most heartfelt fashion: can you see your way clear to sending me some money on Kickstarter so that I can give some money to my friends on Kickstarter?
No donation is too small, but here is what I can offer you at various levels:
- $5 -- Index card with an original, offbeat thank you sentiment created with several different color Sharpies.
- $10 -- Link to your tumblr account on my Twitter feed.
- $25 -- A sandwich.
- $50 -- Guest appearance on my podcast once I get it up and running.
- $100 & up -- First dibs on my coolest yard sale stuff.
So don't let my friends pay the price for my pathetic inability to support their impassioned endeavors. Join me on Kickstarter and help fund my own endeavor to donate to my friends' projects on Kickstarter.
James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.
NOTE: This piece is satirical.