Pope Urges Condom Use for Tea Party, Morning Zoo DJ's, Darren Aronofsky

11/29/2010 08:18 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • James Napoli Satirist, author of The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm

VATICAN CITY -- As part of his continually-expanding dialogue about prophylactics, Pope Benedict XVI today further modified his stance on condoms by actually recommending they be used for contraception in certain extreme cases.

"I think condoms should be on members of the Tea Party as soon as possible," the Pope said, speaking through a visibly uncomfortable translator. "Whereas the church has never advocated birth control before, we are at a critical juncture wherein we have to think about the future of the world and its people." Benedict went on to say that in the past he has welcomed the staunchly religious stance of members of the Republican Party, but that "these teabaggers are geisteskrank (insane)."

"At first, I didn't mind them so much," His Holiness intoned, "but when their figurehead Sarah Palin couldn't tell the difference between North and South Korea, that is when I saw that there could be real problems. I mean, what if some Tea Party nut job couldn't tell the difference between Fazlullah and fusilli and ended up strafing St. Peter's Square? What if they didn't know Kabul from Calabria? I pray daily that such a screw-up does not occur in my lifetime. And my new stance on condoms for these people is in the hopes of assuring that their numbers die out in time for future generations to know true safety."

The Pope also weighed in on the need to gradually rid the world of Morning Zoo disc jockeys, whose "irritating oral diarrhea, transparently forced camaraderie and just plain in-your-face obnoxiousness" are, in his view, "dissolving the moral character of us all." In naming Morning Zoos as examples of the decay of civilization, Benedict cited the live prank calls to unsuspecting cuckolds; the sophomoric banter of an unrelentingly sexual nature that is, perhaps even more offensively, consistently tragically unfunny, and the calculated off-the-cuff wackiness that makes you want to reach through the radio and perform an emergency tracheotomy on the offending party. "The sooner we can be free of this demoralizing and, let's face it, just plain mind-mushifying influence on our development as wholesome individuals, the better," he said.

Perhaps the most unusual aspect of the Pope's new stance on condoms is his inclusion of film director Darren Aronofsky as his third candidate for proper contraceptive behavior. "I have nothing against the gentleman," Benedict told reporters, "And it is my understanding that he has already fathered a child. I applaud him for propagating the race as he should, but as I examine his cinematic oeuvre, I think perhaps capping it off at one kid would be just fine." When asked to elaborate, the Pontiff added, "Well, The Fountain was not bad. And The Wrestler was not my thing. But I have seen the trailer for Black Swan and I can only conclude that it is of the Devil. Any child born after the making of this film could be in serious spiritual trouble."

The Pope recalled his earlier days in the church, when he was on the screening committee that decided whether or not to ban The Omen. "That movie freaked me out big time," he noted. "And that little boy had eyes just like Natalie Portman's in that trailer. We don't need another Antichrist right now. The world has enough problems."

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the Web can be
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