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Some People Are So Rebecca Black Desperate To Get Their Blogs Justin Bieber Noticed on the Lady Gaga Internet That They Will Resort to Charlie Sheen Anything

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Dear bloggers: they tell you that success on the Internet is all about grabbing eyeballs, but nobody tells you how to get those eyeballs. Not Jon Stewart, Not Stephen Colbert, not Charlie Sheen, not even President Obama. You toil away, you keep a grueling schedule that is certainly on a par with Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber or even Glenn Beck, and still you wonder why you are not turning up in the search engines.

Is there some strategy for generating hits that you might be overlooking?

It's not like you couldn't trend hotter by linking to a YouTube clip of a crazy line dance at a wedding or Charlie Bit My Finger or even Rebecca Black's video of Friday; it's just that several of the most popular celebrities on Twitter, such as Britney Spears, Ashton Kutcher, 50 Cent, Kim Kardashian and Justin Timberlake seem to already have the market cornered.

No, fellow bloggers, let everyone else pander. We are not some reality show like Dancing With The Stars, American Idol, Jersey Shore or Ice Truckers. We are not a franchise, comic book commodity like Iron Man starring Robert Downey, Jr., Twilight or Harry Potter. Nor do we appeal to the urge for the melodramatic like The Vampire Diaries or Dexter. Although we love a good laugh and enjoy fare like 30 Rock with the delightful Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey, or Saturday Night Live, especially when it is hosted by the likes of Zach Galifianakis.

Still, we stand proud. Let everyone else create so many references in their material that there are more words used in the tags than there are in the post. We will continue doing what we have always done: churning out great work no matter what Miley Cyrus, Michelle Obama, Keith Olbermann or Sarah Palin think.

And I mean that from the bottom of my Michael Moore.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the Web can be found here.