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James Napoli

James Napoli

Posted: October 4, 2010 12:58 PM

Holy crap, did you hear the news? Astronomers have discovered a planet in our galaxy that might be habitable. The as-yet unnamed location circles a star called Gliese 581, and is located in what scientists call the "Goldilocks zone." Not too far away from its star, but not too close either; not too big for gravity, not too small; not too cold, not too hot. In fact one of the astronomers interviewed by the Associated Press said that for a good portion of the time it would feature "shirt-sleeve weather." Does this guy work for the Gliese 581 Tourist Board, or what?

This is all great news for Americans and, in fact, people all over the world. We now have a place to go when we are done raping this planet! This is the get out of jail free card we have always wanted! I don't know about you, but I've been getting a little sick of everything having to be "green" these days. Even my damn credit card companies are telling me that if I pay online I'll save the entire ecosystem. What a crock. It saves them processing costs is what it does, and they just dress it up in environmental greenery. Then there are those stupid hybrid cars (or electric ones... pah!), plus all the money we blow on revitalizing public transportation, initiatives to save wildlife, the ocean and prevent global warming. Screw it! Melt, baby melt, that's what I say. I can't tell you what a relief it will be to just throw away my plastic water bottles (made from petroleum products -- who cares now?) instead of tossing them into recycling for some homeless guy to pilfer. Now, that may sound harsh, but let's face it, it's the homeless that are going to have this whole place to themselves when we get on the shuttle to the Gliese 581 promised land, and there will be plenty of room for them to spread out and keep things generally okay, images of Wall-E notwithstanding. And, let's be honest, the lid on my recycling bin has been unacceptably loose for two years now. It doesn't even close right. It's a total pain.

Finally, we can do what the great pioneers of all time have always wanted to do to Mother Earth: exploit her resources for our own gain for as long as we freaking want. To say nothing of continuing with wars and violence. Hey, less people to invade our personal space when we are starting afresh on a new galactic piece of rock, right?

They say God does not close one door without opening another one. Well, God has spoken. The Earth is so-o-o over, but we should not feel badly about anything we have done to contribute to its downfall. We were supposed to ride it hard and put it away, well, dry, actually. And God has made that clear by offering us another place to go. I don't know what this place will be called, but if the way that sports arenas are quietly shifting from being named after a person to being named after a corporation is any indication, it might just be the planet Staples.

So trash this place, party hard and don't stress so much about the green thing, or about places that don't have proper nourishment or drinking water. These things will all be of little concern when we're rocketing skyward to our new home. Yes, it's 120 trillion miles away, so the word is that getting there by spaceship would take several generations. But, come on, these scientists are clever. I'm sure they will work that part out within a year or two. Just keep doing what you're doing.